The 54th Deadline: Tools

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“I have been a fool to think I have been missing the necessary tools to make my dreams come true.”

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.

I have been spewing out more excuses than I can count over the years. Yeah, I have been through my share of tough spots. I have suffered. I have been legitimately pushed to various limits: physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have wanted to cry. I have wanted to hide.

I have been through so much, but I also got through somehow in some shape or form. Perhaps I was lucky, perhaps the universe did in fact throw me a bone or two along the way, but getting over a specific hump and trying to reach that elusive “next stage” has been on my mind.

It just makes me think that I am a fool. I am a fool because I think I have been missing a few tools to make the next jump possible, where building my future entailed so much extra effort and resources.

But here is the thing.

There have been very successful people who have done the impossible with less, so why am I complaining? Why am I trying to chalk up reasons as to why I am not achieving success?

Am I that cowardly? Am I that pathetic?

Yes. And another yes.

I have it all before me. I have everything around me. Every. Single. Thing.

I have every single that I would possibly need.

Now, it is just a matter of doing something with the tools. A great creation cannot be put together unless the creator makes it happen. Nothing can have an end without a beginning.

I have just been so stuck, so cowardly about making all of the good things occur. I talk a big game, but I have yet to pull the trigger with complete intent.

I need to stop being scared. I need to stop letting my life freeze up at every critical moment… Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Rework

“Change is a necessary evil, but the good part about it means something different can occur.”

Not feeling the best right now, so I am going to let some steam off in this blog post to see if it helps. Anyway, I am thinking about taking this blog through another “rework” phase. I have been doing a similar style of blogging for a long while, but I wonder if it is time just to mix things up for the mere sake of it.

The more I go through my past blog posts, the more I wonder what kind of impression I am leaving behind, at least in regards to how I want others to perceive me.

It has been five/six years now, and though some things have gotten better and all… I am still a mess in many ways. I just feel like an incomplete dish still waiting in the pan, and I just need a few more ingredients to complete the whole process before I am ready to serve.

But that is the thing about it all. It just feels like I have been sitting there, lying in wait for so long and I just wonder if anything is going to come by to make me into a finished product. Ultimately, I have concluded that I can’t rely on outside forces to make it happen.

Again, the world doesn’t owe me a favor, and nor should I expect it to do so magically. The less I think of myself as someone who is entitled to such things… Well, to be blunt, the better it is for me. I can’t keep banking on something to fall into my lap. In reality, I should approach it from the other angle. I need to be more proactive and head toward the stuff I want to reach, even if it is difficult and discouraging to do so.

Even as far as blogging goes, I guess part of this blog comes off as really childish in its own ways. I have enjoyed just plugging in the anime pictures as filler and stuff, but I wonder if I really need them there. They are just there to break up the text, but I really do desire to make this blog… more “professional” at some point?

I guess, in other words, I want this blog to mature as I should have matured as time went on, but I obviously have not grown up if I have technically regressed in this category. To say that I have regressed is quite accurate in many ways.

We all go through life at different paces, and I think I have certainly hit a wall at some point and then inadvertently backtracked when I should have kept going. I made excuses about it back then, but I can’t keep cycling through the same crap again and again ad nauseum. I hate feeling like I am repeating myself, but deep down I am aware I am caught up in my own drama.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Edge

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“Ultimately, those who succeed are those who have that needed edge to cut through an obstacle.”

I need an edge…

And what I mean is rather simple. I need that oomph. I need that boost. I need that one tipping point, no matter how minuscule or wide, that will take me over to the next level.

Looking back at it, I have always been quite a scrub in this regard. I have been too “kind” to others in a sense, and please allow me to elaborate. The fact is, those who are too nice get walked on, and to show some real confidence in yourself really does mean a big deal.

I have always been content with tagging along with other people’s success, whether it was a group project or whatever. I was so happy just being included, as opposed to being the main star. I have regrets about it now, but I can’t really do anything about what has happened to me so many times in the past.

And this is OK. What’s left in the past has to remain there. As long as I learn from it, even if that acquired knowledge has to start right now as I am typing this blog post out, so be it.

Better late than never. I suppose…

I am just growing weary of playing second fiddle. I am just getting extremely impatient with life itself. I want my time to shine, and I want that time to happen NOW! Of course, no matter how much I want to whine and moan about it all, the universe will most likely not give in to my demands without something in return.

Fine. No problem. I believe in hard work, anyway. I don’t want a handout. I just want a setup, a means for me to reach where I need to reach. Whatever that may be… And this is the part that eludes me.
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I have so many inklings, but none of it means a darn thing if I can’t connect the dots.

It’s like if you were given a sword, and you can have whatever you wanted if you can cut the right spot on a wall. But where would you strike? Where would be the secret spot that will open up to make your dreams come true?

Perhaps I am just thinking about all of this is a convoluted manner, where thoughts are just stacked up eclectically and I am just not sorting them out properly. My gut feeling is to keep looking around for a clue, just something… Anything!

Alas, if were so easy, we all would find our happy spot. We all would find our place in this world. I truly believe just being adamant is definitely important. Otherwise, you can fall victim to your own moments of weakness.

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The 54th Deadline: Talent

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“We are all respectively great at something, so have a conversation with others because talent talks.”

I firmly believe we are all destined in this universe to be “good” at something, whatever that may be. It can be singing, dancing, writing or whatever. I do not think everyone is meant to be good at everything, as this logically does not make sense.

We all are supposed to specialize if you use this train of thought. And by specializing, I mean we are supposed to hone in and nurture that which is appropriate for us. Again, whatever that may be.

Sure, we all would like to dabble in more things and expand our horizons. We all would like to try some things to see if we can be at least decent. That’s fine. But to achieve true mastery of a craft, to the point where it can be deemed a “talent,” goes into a different threshold altogether.

Sure, for me as an example, I picked up cooking over the years. Both out of genuine curiosity and as a necessity to save myself from a bad situation or two, cooking became a random wild card out of this deck of cards called life.

By all means, I would say I can cook now. And my ‘can’ these days definitely reflects a lot of personal perseverance and keeping my passion strong toward this culinary stuff. I legitimately, though pleasantly, surprise myself when I really pour my heart and soul into what I am doing.

In this case, it’s on a plate.

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I am decent in a lot of ways, but I have a lot to improve on if I ever want to be deemed a “talented” cook, let alone the real goal of being called a proper chef. As a result, I just have to keep trying to learn as much as I can, no matter how long it takes, when it comes to this cooking art.

After all, you just have to keep an open mind. Otherwise, you plateau yourself because you set these mental limitations. You don’t want to peak too early, right?

I think this is truly the mistake I made years ago in all kinds of facets. Basically, I put the ceiling above myself too low. I thought I was ready and knew everything I needed to know, but it is good to keep yourself always invested and willing to go that extra mile, so to speak.

I recall back in the early years of college when I thought I knew “a lot” about English stuff, like grammar and vocabulary. Turns out, and this truly shocked me on an emotional level, I was quite average compared to some other kids. Sure, I was more than above average when compared to a regular student, but I met some really talented people who could run circles around me when it came to the English language.

This was all so humbling. I really needed this trip to to the bakery to eat a whole portion of humble pie. For me, it was like someone smashed my face right into the humble pie, forcing me to gobble it up and accept that… I was not that good… At least, for that particular year in college.

But I showed some tenacity. I showed some heart. I just kept working at it, and soon enough – I became a beast when it came to English spelling and grammar. Yeah, I know. Dorky by all means. But that was what I was.

Again, you just have to hone in and nurture the stuff that you are appropriately competent at, even if it could be something random like basket weaving or shoe shining. Play to your strengths, if you want another way of looking at it. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Shortcut

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“There comes a point where trying to follow the linear path is not nearly quick enough.”

I am a mess. I have grown completely weary of trying to do things the old-fashioned way. What can I say? It has been five years and counting. After a while, it all makes me wonder what I am doing with my life. It sucks because we all should hope for happiness, whatever that may respectively be for all of us.

My idea of happiness would be attaining “success” in all of its glory. And yes, to wish for a shortcut now in this stage of the game may come off as a bit of impatience, but again… It’s been five years and counting. I don’t expect the world to throw me a bone my way after waiting this long, nor should I anticipate such a gesture. That would be foolish.

Instead, I need to think of practical ways of expediting this whole process within my power. Quite frankly, I can’t keep living like this. Well, I mean this in the sense that just gradually crawling toward my destination of the future is aggravating. I am annoyed at how long it is all taking, I am truly vexed in my own shortcomings as an individual and above all else…

I just want to make this all work. I want to be a better person. I want to be deemed a great person who has been through so much, who faced the personal brink of destruction and overcame it all to pull off something wonderful.

I should not expect to wake up tomorrow, and then boom… Success! This is not how it works. I do not want to be caught in a fantasy world all of the time. I know we need to visualize what we want at times, but there are just so many things going on in my life right now.

This paycheck-to-paycheck existence gets to me. I make just enough to survive, but never thriving irks me. I know I should not fuss so much about money, but funds in the bank account matter when you want to indulge.

For instance, do you know what I would really like to do now?
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The 54th Deadline: Identity

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“There are times where I wonder what my real identity is as a person here and now.”

First off, I am just experimenting with the blog theme because I can. After a while, I just think I need to tap into my creative side and actually try to make this site a bit more presentable. Regardless, I do like tweaking things around, even if they may be temporary.

Anyway, this site’s identity actually ties a bit with today’s blog post.

I think I am getting caught in a weird rut again. I feel like I should be doing way more, and then for me to conclude that I haven’t done so has made me feel a bit annoyed at myself. As if I am failing at something I can’t quite describe, it feels like I developed a lot of bad habits and I am not seeing things through to the end. It just makes me want to hate myself for being so pathetically inefficient. It really makes me feel this way.

At the same time, life has been tricky for me in plenty of ways. Last week had me experiencing episodes of some of the worst feelings I have dealt with once again, but thankfully it only lasted a few days. In reality, it all woke me up that I am still not strong enough, that I am still not as tenacious as I thought was if if I let a little slip-up get me down so much and thus I need to rethink my plan of attack.

Simply put, I lack a proper identity so to speak. This site is a reflection of my ambiguity.

Who am I? What am I? I think this blog can be a bit confusing as to what I am trying to convey, and therefore it gives off the wrong message.

Am I Nhan the aspiring writer? Am I Nhan the aspiring chef? Am I Nhan the aspiring content creator?

Well, for those particular questions, they all would be applicable to me. And that, therein, lies the real problem in all of this… I am an identity crisis. I am trying to be too many things at once, and thus I am not being a master of anything.

There are people out there who can be defined as a great singer. There are people out there who can be defined as great athletes. You can say this for anything, so where do I fit in this picture? Where is my place in this world?

To be continued. To be answered another time.

It’s always another time with me… I am sick of it.

I just disappoint myself feeling like this, as if I am just all talk and nothing more concrete to show for it. I have lived too many recent years trying to survive, just trying to hang on by a thread like I was going to die if I didn’t.

Where is my opportunity to shine? Where are my chances to impress people with all of my respective capabilities?

I wish the universe would just tell me… I wish the universe would just give me a sign!
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Validation

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“Receiving any form of validation should confirm you have done something right.”

I am someone who certainly yearns for the ultimate sense of validation when the time comes. Early on in this personal battle, I had to face a lot of rejection, bouts with doubt and everything else that would be very far from any form of praise. All of that bad stuff definitely hurt my sense of confidence, so these days I strive to seek out to do what is right for me. And if the payoff is for someone to give me the thumbs up of approval, then it is definitely worth the effort.

Obviously, we all would like to get a pat on the head every once in a while, but I do not want meaningless gestures of “good job” for the mere sake of it. I am not that insecure to believe something that delusional would make me content or well-rounded as a person.

At the end of the day, I want to improve myself in many facets. I want to see how awesome I can truly be when I really put my mind to it with 110 percent the willpower. Praise may be praise, but it has to be sincere in my book.

Lately, I think I am starting to see how much I have held back, not only in the past few years, but my whole dang life. I am my own limiter. I am my own handicap. I set the boundaries before me, and my boundaries apparently haven’t been that far from outside the box as a whole. Continue reading