The 54th Deadline: Facade

“Life has to continue regardless, but we all must put up a front that things are OK on the surface.”

Do you remember those moments when you were a kid in gym class, you get hurt a little bit and needed a timeout before joining your classmates for the rest of the activity? Lately, I have been feeling like I need a breather of sorts, but one that is a bit longer than usual. Emotionally, I feel drained and unmotivated. I am at my wit’s end just trying to get through the day, but at the same time I need to for my own sake.

I still need to work, I still need to take care of myself (though I admit I need to do a better job at this) and I need to keep looking ahead at what needs to be done. However, I feel like I am faltering. I feel like I am definitely falling apart at the seams. The more I try to rationalize what is going wrong, the more I try to pinpoint what exactly is causing me to feel so useless, so inefficient and just so undervalued…

It all stings. Like, it really does hit me where it hurts. I glance at this blog when I get home and am annoyed at myself for neglecting it. And this bad habit is starting to become apparently worse as time goes on, and I am just totally irked by it all.

Individually, this is just one aspect of my crumbling life. Collectively, I am somewhat intact, but there are cracks. These small chips here and there will add up, and eventually it will all shatter at this rate unless I mend the random problems and get my act together.

And it just feels like I have to pretend. I hate putting up this facade that I am OK, when in reality I am not. I am not doing that well on a lot of fronts. I am not getting it. To be honest, sometimes I really just want to hide somewhere in my place, just bury myself underneath the sheets and pretend things did not have to matter so much to me.

Alas, they do matter. Otherwise, I would not bother subjecting myself to this cycle of highs and lows again and again. No sane person would do this willingly. Perhaps I am not sane? Or maybe I am?

Who knows…

No matter what the technicality is, I am just becoming a bigger mess as time goes on. I am getting sloppy. I am just losing it in more ways than one.
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The 54th Deadline: Flashback

“Painful memories sting, but to relive them feels like a living nightmare.”

The sadness has not subsided. It has intensified. It feels like I am suffering a flashback, one that is entirely way too real. I had to take a personal day from work. I did not want to go near others in this state. It’s that bad. It has engulfed me by so much already.

I feel like I am spewing negativity, I feel like I will just bring blight to wherever I go and as a consequence I have hidden myself at home all day.

Anti-social thoughts.

Loss of appetite.

Loss of energy.

Loss of motivation.

It is like I have not made any forward progress at all. But I know I have. Still, right here in the now, it feels like my whole world is unraveling before me.

I have been down this road many times before, and I had always thought those awful days were finished. I thought I would never have to go through this all again. I was wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.

I feel compelled to call someone. I feel compelled to ask someone to console me because God knows I truly need it at this very moment. But I am reluctant. I am hesitant because I feel too guilty about the mere thought of doing such a thing.

It feels like a seed of darkness was planted inside my soul a few days ago, and only now has it all blossomed into its twisted glory. Its influence eats away at me, its effects are slowly ravaging my well-being and I can feel all happening. Every moment of it. It’s like poison.
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The 54th Deadline: Similar Sadness

“Sadness drains the very sense of joy from you, making life itself feel quite dour.”

This whole day, I was reminded of a similar sadness I knew all too well back then. The very depression-riddled, soul-sucking feelings from five years ago returned. In full force, no less. And just like that, I have felt taxed. Physically, mentally and emotionally. But it has only been just a day.

I had so many random things planned today. Granted, they were just mostly chores like cleaning downstairs and whatnot, but I found myself attempting to “distract” myself from this sadness instead of doing my obligations. I am a lousy, weak person in this regard.

Apparently, the cycle had to repeat itself today. Woe is me, right?

Obviously, no one wants to feel sad. No one should feel sad when they can help it, but sometimes things happen. I don’t know if I really want to vent about what happened in full detail just yet, but it definitely bummed me out. I am saddened that life is starting to back me into another corner again. It’s either be eaten alive or take a stand. I want to go with the latter for the sake of personal growth.

I do not want to be negative for the mere sake of it. Heck, tears are starting to well up in my eyes as I type this out. I guess, for what it’s worth, it’s somewhat of a positive sign. Years ago, I literally couldn’t cry. No matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn’t.

But now, as I have to tell myself not to bawl my eyes out for my own sense of dignity, I have to remind myself to be strong. Chalk this day up as a loss. And leave it that.
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The 54th Deadline: Hidden Battles


“To fight battles others cannot see every day is a soul-draining, taxing endeavor.”

Throughout the years, I have learned how I am my own worst enemy.

I am my own worst enemy because I continue to enable the negativity to keep popping back up in my life. I revert to inefficient cycles of moving forward a bit and then ending up back where I started. It’s a very back-and-forth dance I have grown accustomed to, but I want this particular waltz to end. Please!

Each day, with some sense of optimism, I tell myself that today is going to be the day. Today is going to be that one day I really make a breakthrough. But it was no different today. I shouldn’t be so impatient. When it happens, it happens. Until then, I can only hope for the best.

But in the meantime, there are lots of hidden battles. They are bouts with doubt. They stem from personal struggles of feeling worthless and being unable to realize my true potential as an individual.

I have been fighting these hidden battles for more than five years now. Even before I started this blog, I technically had a lot of depression building up. Those later years in college did a number on my well-being. I was too damaged after a certain point to realize how much repair I was due, at least if I wanted to patch up what was already in the process of shutting down.

If I could have done something back then, maybe now I wouldn’t feel so fragile. Maybe then I wouldn’t so unstable, always on the brink of undoing all of the positive progress I have made throughout this time.

Take this past evening as a prime example of what I mean. I was about to sit down and do something productive. I wanted to write sooner. I wanted to concentrate on just practicing some concepts.

What did I do instead? I napped. But not in the manner you think. I napped because I felt depressed.

I felt sad.

I felt like my energy and motivation got sapped away by life itself.

I just did not feel like doing anything.

So I slept.

And though one could argue that rest is important, taking this kind of nap when I wasn’t feeling weary just causes me to think I just wasted time more or less.

And sure, after waking up, I did feel better about things, even if only through temporary relief. But gosh… I really need to get my act together.  Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Emptiness
It’s been clear to me that certain voids are preventing me from feeling whole as a person.

Life is wonderful, but it also has a lot of bad stuff to it.

Now mind you, I wonder if it’s the gloomy side in me talking, but lately I haven’t been able to feel “happy” as much as I should. Mood swings aside, I feel like I have fallen into another one of my various ruts. After going through this song and dance a few times before, am I more prepared to deal with it now?

I am a survivor by all means. I am a survivor in the sense that I endured, mustered up some semblance of courage in the face of personal defeat and kept going. No matter how rough it got, I had to hang in there.

Well, I just had to. It’s my only life to live. Still, it’s not like things just got any easier per se. I just got stronger. But even with extra strength to my name, I find myself feeling mighty weak, almost ineffective at times.

It disheartens me. It makes me think, “What’s the point?” on those particular challenging days. This last week has been making me feel crappy about it all, and I don’t want to sound like a Negative Nancy.

At the end of the day, I write on this blog to vent. It’s my necessary outlet. Otherwise, I would just end up bottling feelings I shouldn’t be bottling. I would let certain emotions fester into something toxic, something that ends up poisoning me until I will face literal health problems.

Loss of appetite.

Loss of interest.

Loss of energy.

Loss of feeling motivated to, well, enjoy life.

I have had all of this and more, and it feels like I am experiencing a “fun-sized” version of these symptoms. God forbid I get the full package at this rate.

With this in mind, I can’t help but feel… on my own so so speak. I feel like I need to talk to someone else about this, but it’s hard to get people to lend you their ears when it feels like just a gesture to them more than a therapeutic practice.

I get it.

I lost too many friends over this depression and whatnot. I know I was not Mr. Popular prior to all of this self-imploding, but dang… I valued what friends I had.

Having gone down that path before, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again. I should have gone to a professional for that kind of stuff. I needed to talk to someone whose job is to listen to the kind of problems I was dealing with back then.

I became too dependent on those phone calls, e-mails and Skype conversations about everything messing me up. I was too needy. I drove people away from me gradually over time.

And most of those friends are gone by now because of it. They have moved on with their lives. I find myself just struggling to keep myself intact, let alone position myself toward success.

Chances are, I have to admit, they don’t even remember me anymore. And that hurts. I am probably nothing more than a distant memory at this point.

Sigh, this just makes me think I need to re-evaluate everything I have, and see what’s helping or hurting my progress.

I need a change of pace. That’s a given.

I need something to clear up some of the chaos from within, and maybe then I can find some hope to salvage myself before I fall back into that abyss of misery and self-loathing.

0da55c52f8f0833ae256afae59b35c0dThere is only so much I can do as an individual. I am not Superman. I am only human, after all.

I know I have my flaws.

I realize I am difficult to work with for a variety of reasons.

But my goodness, I am a mess. And I know it.

I know I am falling victim to my own frustrations.

I am scared. I am scared that this is just another one of life’s tests that will make or break me.

It’s never easy. It’s never easy, huh?

At least, for me anyway. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Stalled Countdown

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
As I write this, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I can’t quite seem to let it all out.

It’s one particularly odd thing about my personal “depression” from the get-go – I haven’t been really able to cry. I feel like I have kept a lot of inner turmoil inside, and it has just been building up and building up, but it just can’t seem to find its way out of my system.

It’s wimpy to admit it, but I guess deep down I want to bawl my eyes out. I really force myself, but it’s not working. And hence, I believe a lot of my hopes and dreams have stalled this countdown in life. I know the launch has been on hold for so long.

I should have blasted off toward “greatness” by now, but something keeps finding its way into my life to delay it even further. Am I making excuses? Am I being irrational?

JUST WHAT IS IT? What’s wrong? Why can’t I just get a clear answer from the universe?

I make so many small strides, but I never can’t go the complete distance to reach that next threshold. It’s always some kind of forward progress, but how much more forward progress do I need to get through?

Perhaps at this point, I feel exhausted and impatient with it all. After all, it’s been five years and counting. Fives years of ups and downs. Five years mixed with misery and happiness.

Sigh, depression is a real drag to overcome, don’t you think? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Understanding Misery

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
It’s been a little more than five years and counting.

If I were to backtrack years ago to when I was a naive, immature college graduate with nothing more than dreams of potential success on the mind. I would probably sick to my stomach.

I was a trainwreck waiting to happen, a meltdown on the verge of exploding everywhere and I did not see it coming before it was completely too late. There were subtle hints that I wasn’t OK. Every day, I sunk a little deeper into the abyss I was creating for myself. I became less in touch of what was before me. I was too unaware of how much of a personal hell I lived in, mainly because I did not want to accept the denial before me.

Truth be told, I was bound to become crestfallen at some point.

I spent a lot of time trying to hide myself from reality. I killed time by playing a lot of video games. My family and friends grew worried about me, but I thought things were going to be all right. I really did.
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