The 54th Deadline: Tools

“I have been a fool to think I have been missing the necessary tools to make my dreams come true.”

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.

I have been spewing out more excuses than I can count over the years. Yeah, I have been through my share of tough spots. I have suffered. I have been legitimately pushed to various limits: physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have wanted to cry. I have wanted to hide.

I have been through so much, but I also got through somehow in some shape or form. Perhaps I was lucky, perhaps the universe did in fact throw me a bone or two along the way, but getting over a specific hump and trying to reach that elusive “next stage” has been on my mind.

It just makes me think that I am a fool. I am a fool because I think I have been missing a few tools to make the next jump possible, where building my future entailed so much extra effort and resources.

But here is the thing.

There have been very successful people who have done the impossible with less, so why am I complaining? Why am I trying to chalk up reasons as to why I am not achieving success?

Am I that cowardly? Am I that pathetic?

Yes. And another yes.

I have it all before me. I have everything around me. Every. Single. Thing.

I have every single that I would possibly need.

Now, it is just a matter of doing something with the tools. A great creation cannot be put together unless the creator makes it happen. Nothing can have an end without a beginning.

I have just been so stuck, so cowardly about making all of the good things occur. I talk a big game, but I have yet to pull the trigger with complete intent.

I need to stop being scared. I need to stop letting my life freeze up at every critical moment… Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Hope

“The worst days make me wonder why I keep going. And then, I remember that I believe in hope.”

As you can see, I decided to change the tagline again.

“Hope is my catalyst.”

The previous “Progress is perseverance” tagline was good for me as well. But lately, I just feel like I have been regressing again. I just think I am caught in another slump. It is a weaker slump, but it is a slump nonetheless.

I just feel very out of it. I feel even more unmotivated than ever before, but I keep trying. I am just at a strange spot in my life.

I am aware so much has to be done. I have a lot of dreams and goals, but something just got sapped out of me. It is a drained feeling. I am definitely losing it… At this rate, anyway.
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The 54th Deadline: Facade

“Life has to continue regardless, but we all must put up a front that things are OK on the surface.”

Do you remember those moments when you were a kid in gym class, you get hurt a little bit and needed a timeout before joining your classmates for the rest of the activity? Lately, I have been feeling like I need a breather of sorts, but one that is a bit longer than usual. Emotionally, I feel drained and unmotivated. I am at my wit’s end just trying to get through the day, but at the same time I need to for my own sake.

I still need to work, I still need to take care of myself (though I admit I need to do a better job at this) and I need to keep looking ahead at what needs to be done. However, I feel like I am faltering. I feel like I am definitely falling apart at the seams. The more I try to rationalize what is going wrong, the more I try to pinpoint what exactly is causing me to feel so useless, so inefficient and just so undervalued…

It all stings. Like, it really does hit me where it hurts. I glance at this blog when I get home and am annoyed at myself for neglecting it. And this bad habit is starting to become apparently worse as time goes on, and I am just totally irked by it all.

Individually, this is just one aspect of my crumbling life. Collectively, I am somewhat intact, but there are cracks. These small chips here and there will add up, and eventually it will all shatter at this rate unless I mend the random problems and get my act together.

And it just feels like I have to pretend. I hate putting up this facade that I am OK, when in reality I am not. I am not doing that well on a lot of fronts. I am not getting it. To be honest, sometimes I really just want to hide somewhere in my place, just bury myself underneath the sheets and pretend things did not have to matter so much to me.

Alas, they do matter. Otherwise, I would not bother subjecting myself to this cycle of highs and lows again and again. No sane person would do this willingly. Perhaps I am not sane? Or maybe I am?

Who knows…

No matter what the technicality is, I am just becoming a bigger mess as time goes on. I am getting sloppy. I am just losing it in more ways than one.
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The 54th Deadline: Delay

“Waiting forever for something wonderful to take place is quite frustrating and disheartening.”

Delays aplenty. This is my life in a nutshell. No matter how much footing I get during this journey, something always manages to halt my sense of progress. And even worse – if I regress in some fashion and start falling back toward a prior checkpoint.

This is a problem. This is a major problem, in fact.

I am trying to snap out of it. I want to get my life back on track and reach that next, ever elusive, stage. But lately, things just do not feel right for me. The dots are not quite connected. The passion seems to be waning.

It is like part of me is falling apart at the seams. I just do not feel like myself per se.

And that is the thing. The more I try to figure who I am as a person, the more I try to accept who I am for that matter, it all becomes a muddled mess. It is an up-and-down existence for me. There are highlights followed by plenty of moments at my worst. There are many inconsistent days due to a variety of reasons.

In particular, the more I psychologically accept that I am possibly bipolar, as much as part of me does not want to acknowledge it, the easier it has all become. In this sense, I am starting to think that I am definitely not quite “normal” in this regard.

And sure, we all would like to think we are special snowflakes in our own ways. We all would like to think we are unique and different from everyone else. But for me, I guess I wish being possibly bipolar was not a trait that defines and influences my everyday life so heavily.

Today, for instance, has been a “down” day. I have not felt the urge to be productive. I feel like I am wasting the day away, just going through the motions. I had to force myself to drive down to the store to get groceries so I can feed myself. This is a prime example of the extent in which my “down” days can be like.

It gets to the point where I just keep burning willpower just to do the simplest of tasks. Oh look. The garbage needs to be taken out. A few hours later have passed. I finally get around to taking it outside.

I fear that the more this keeps up, the worse everything will become. What do you do when you are losing control of your own life right before your eyes? What do you do? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Extremes

“My life has been far from balanced. Instead, I would say it is an alternating series of extremes.”

I can be really on fire one day. I can be really cold the next. I can be on point one day. I can be a complete and utter failure the next. However, the pattern is never predictable. The feelings are ambiguous.

The weather affects me. Something in the news affects me. I just feel so darn vulnerable to my own emotions. I am therefore an emotional person, and to be emotional is a blessing and a curse.

I am emotional because I feel everything I feel to the nth degree, but this acts as a double-edged sword when the feelings are anything negative. I can be as happy as a clam, or I can be the most miserable person you can come across just like that.

Regardless, I hate it. The more I try to come to grips with the notion that I legitimately may have bipolar disorder or whatever, the more I have to start contemplating more serious remedies to counteract the instability.

Yes, that is a good word for this dilemma of mine. Instability. It is a word that implies that something is not quite all the way put together, and it hints that something could go horribly wrong.

Outside of medicinal means, I wonder if just doing something else in life can somewhat bring it all toward the “center,” even if not perfectly in the middle. I just need to stop this back-and-forth game with my own thoughts. I want things to be steady at the very least. If this were the case, I could feel a bit more at ease that I am just drifting along in life.

But nope. It all just feels like an inner distraction. There is chaos upstairs, but a lot more needs to be done outside in the real world while all of this roughhousing takes place.

Ugh. Why can’t I just be one thing?

Why, world? Why!
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The 54th Deadline: Swing

“My life is so swingy at times. I literally go back and forth from feeling good and bad randomly.”

Well, I am going back to using the anime pictures again (for the time being). I did not like how plain the last post looked. They are mostly for fun, but having the pictures at least break up the wall of text for each blog post. So they are back for now.

Anyway, solving the mystery that is my life gets more and more grueling. But I am starting to narrow things down. I am beginning to understand myself a whole lot better. I kind of have to, as my main goal is to move forward in life. To head toward the next stage entails knocking down the obstacles ahead of me, but the major one I cannot overlook is myself.

In particular, I suspect that I probably have bipolar disorder. Now, this is nothing official. Self-diagnosing is dangerous, so I would in fact need a proper diagnosis from a medical professional, but the more I research it… Well, without getting too technical, it explains a lot about who I am.

In fact, I guess you could say that it literally matches up with my “inconsistency” for this whole time. Granted, I know I always talk about my various mood swings throughout these blog posts. I tell people all of the time that I suffer from mood swings, but now I wonder if that is really all there is to it on the surface.

And now, I just wonder if my dad has bipolar disorder as well. Without going too in-depth here, my dad was all over the place growing up. He had a lot of random days. And by random, I mean he would be incredibly happy and nice one day, and then there were other days you hoped it was not raining outside so you had an excuse to be away from the house.

My dad was Mr. Nice Guy when he was feeling jovial. He was the bad guy when he felt like yelling, frightening me a lot as a kid to the point where I found myself just cowering in fear from him a lot when he was like this.

As I have gotten older, my dad has mellowed out. The thing is, though, this is all due to the medication he has to drug himself with on a daily basis now. He takes so many pills, for so many different health problems, that he just has too much medicine flowing through his system to feel anything extreme. He is very chill by comparison to the childhood father I knew back then.


I guess this partially feeds into the stigma I have toward taking pills. My dad obviously has to take all of those pills because he has no choice now, and I wonder if I am destined for the same path at this rate.

It all scares me.

With my dad, we called his extreme shifts in demeanor mood swings as well. And looking back at it all, I think my mom just did not want to say anything beyond that. My dad was my dad.

My mom always told me it was just a cultural thing back in Vietnam, that to be deemed “crazy” was super taboo. With this train of thought, it makes sense why we never would call my dad bipolar or anything like that. That would mean he has something really wrong with him, right?

As for me, as someone on this personal journey toward figuring it all out, I want answers. The logical thing would be to seek professional help. An official diagnosis would label me the right kind of things I would need to be labeled, but what would it change unless I ended up higher than a kite stuffing my face with pills each day?

Why do I bring this all up now?

Just lately, lately… I am feeling more extreme emotions. This up-and-down feeling, back and forth…  It all makes one’s head spin! Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Rework

“Change is a necessary evil, but the good part about it means something different can occur.”

Not feeling the best right now, so I am going to let some steam off in this blog post to see if it helps. Anyway, I am thinking about taking this blog through another “rework” phase. I have been doing a similar style of blogging for a long while, but I wonder if it is time just to mix things up for the mere sake of it.

The more I go through my past blog posts, the more I wonder what kind of impression I am leaving behind, at least in regards to how I want others to perceive me.

It has been five/six years now, and though some things have gotten better and all… I am still a mess in many ways. I just feel like an incomplete dish still waiting in the pan, and I just need a few more ingredients to complete the whole process before I am ready to serve.

But that is the thing about it all. It just feels like I have been sitting there, lying in wait for so long and I just wonder if anything is going to come by to make me into a finished product. Ultimately, I have concluded that I can’t rely on outside forces to make it happen.

Again, the world doesn’t owe me a favor, and nor should I expect it to do so magically. The less I think of myself as someone who is entitled to such things… Well, to be blunt, the better it is for me. I can’t keep banking on something to fall into my lap. In reality, I should approach it from the other angle. I need to be more proactive and head toward the stuff I want to reach, even if it is difficult and discouraging to do so.

Even as far as blogging goes, I guess part of this blog comes off as really childish in its own ways. I have enjoyed just plugging in the anime pictures as filler and stuff, but I wonder if I really need them there. They are just there to break up the text, but I really do desire to make this blog… more “professional” at some point?

I guess, in other words, I want this blog to mature as I should have matured as time went on, but I obviously have not grown up if I have technically regressed in this category. To say that I have regressed is quite accurate in many ways.

We all go through life at different paces, and I think I have certainly hit a wall at some point and then inadvertently backtracked when I should have kept going. I made excuses about it back then, but I can’t keep cycling through the same crap again and again ad nauseum. I hate feeling like I am repeating myself, but deep down I am aware I am caught up in my own drama.
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