The 54th Deadline: Tools

mechanic.jpg
“I have been a fool to think I have been missing the necessary tools to make my dreams come true.”

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.

I have been spewing out more excuses than I can count over the years. Yeah, I have been through my share of tough spots. I have suffered. I have been legitimately pushed to various limits: physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have wanted to cry. I have wanted to hide.

I have been through so much, but I also got through somehow in some shape or form. Perhaps I was lucky, perhaps the universe did in fact throw me a bone or two along the way, but getting over a specific hump and trying to reach that elusive “next stage” has been on my mind.

It just makes me think that I am a fool. I am a fool because I think I have been missing a few tools to make the next jump possible, where building my future entailed so much extra effort and resources.

But here is the thing.

There have been very successful people who have done the impossible with less, so why am I complaining? Why am I trying to chalk up reasons as to why I am not achieving success?

Am I that cowardly? Am I that pathetic?

Yes. And another yes.

I have it all before me. I have everything around me. Every. Single. Thing.

I have every single that I would possibly need.

Now, it is just a matter of doing something with the tools. A great creation cannot be put together unless the creator makes it happen. Nothing can have an end without a beginning.

I have just been so stuck, so cowardly about making all of the good things occur. I talk a big game, but I have yet to pull the trigger with complete intent.

I need to stop being scared. I need to stop letting my life freeze up at every critical moment… Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Hope

d326b0bdb66ee6de67b06592cb483340.jpg
“The worst days make me wonder why I keep going. And then, I remember that I believe in hope.”

As you can see, I decided to change the tagline again.

“Hope is my catalyst.”

The previous “Progress is perseverance” tagline was good for me as well. But lately, I just feel like I have been regressing again. I just think I am caught in another slump. It is a weaker slump, but it is a slump nonetheless.

I just feel very out of it. I feel even more unmotivated than ever before, but I keep trying. I am just at a strange spot in my life.

I am aware so much has to be done. I have a lot of dreams and goals, but something just got sapped out of me. It is a drained feeling. I am definitely losing it… At this rate, anyway.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Facade

dd9e4208979ee140a6e554a1354d6684.jpg
“Life has to continue regardless, but we all must put up a front that things are OK on the surface.”

Do you remember those moments when you were a kid in gym class, you get hurt a little bit and needed a timeout before joining your classmates for the rest of the activity? Lately, I have been feeling like I need a breather of sorts, but one that is a bit longer than usual. Emotionally, I feel drained and unmotivated. I am at my wit’s end just trying to get through the day, but at the same time I need to for my own sake.

I still need to work, I still need to take care of myself (though I admit I need to do a better job at this) and I need to keep looking ahead at what needs to be done. However, I feel like I am faltering. I feel like I am definitely falling apart at the seams. The more I try to rationalize what is going wrong, the more I try to pinpoint what exactly is causing me to feel so useless, so inefficient and just so undervalued…

It all stings. Like, it really does hit me where it hurts. I glance at this blog when I get home and am annoyed at myself for neglecting it. And this bad habit is starting to become apparently worse as time goes on, and I am just totally irked by it all.

Individually, this is just one aspect of my crumbling life. Collectively, I am somewhat intact, but there are cracks. These small chips here and there will add up, and eventually it will all shatter at this rate unless I mend the random problems and get my act together.

And it just feels like I have to pretend. I hate putting up this facade that I am OK, when in reality I am not. I am not doing that well on a lot of fronts. I am not getting it. To be honest, sometimes I really just want to hide somewhere in my place, just bury myself underneath the sheets and pretend things did not have to matter so much to me.

Alas, they do matter. Otherwise, I would not bother subjecting myself to this cycle of highs and lows again and again. No sane person would do this willingly. Perhaps I am not sane? Or maybe I am?

Who knows…

No matter what the technicality is, I am just becoming a bigger mess as time goes on. I am getting sloppy. I am just losing it in more ways than one.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Swing

tAG_83077.jpg
“My life is so swingy at times. I literally go back and forth from feeling good and bad randomly.”

Well, I am going back to using the anime pictures again (for the time being). I did not like how plain the last post looked. They are mostly for fun, but having the pictures at least break up the wall of text for each blog post. So they are back for now.

Anyway, solving the mystery that is my life gets more and more grueling. But I am starting to narrow things down. I am beginning to understand myself a whole lot better. I kind of have to, as my main goal is to move forward in life. To head toward the next stage entails knocking down the obstacles ahead of me, but the major one I cannot overlook is myself.

In particular, I suspect that I probably have bipolar disorder. Now, this is nothing official. Self-diagnosing is dangerous, so I would in fact need a proper diagnosis from a medical professional, but the more I research it… Well, without getting too technical, it explains a lot about who I am.

In fact, I guess you could say that it literally matches up with my “inconsistency” for this whole time. Granted, I know I always talk about my various mood swings throughout these blog posts. I tell people all of the time that I suffer from mood swings, but now I wonder if that is really all there is to it on the surface.

And now, I just wonder if my dad has bipolar disorder as well. Without going too in-depth here, my dad was all over the place growing up. He had a lot of random days. And by random, I mean he would be incredibly happy and nice one day, and then there were other days you hoped it was not raining outside so you had an excuse to be away from the house.

My dad was Mr. Nice Guy when he was feeling jovial. He was the bad guy when he felt like yelling, frightening me a lot as a kid to the point where I found myself just cowering in fear from him a lot when he was like this.

As I have gotten older, my dad has mellowed out. The thing is, though, this is all due to the medication he has to drug himself with on a daily basis now. He takes so many pills, for so many different health problems, that he just has too much medicine flowing through his system to feel anything extreme. He is very chill by comparison to the childhood father I knew back then.

werrwerw.jpg

I guess this partially feeds into the stigma I have toward taking pills. My dad obviously has to take all of those pills because he has no choice now, and I wonder if I am destined for the same path at this rate.

It all scares me.

With my dad, we called his extreme shifts in demeanor mood swings as well. And looking back at it all, I think my mom just did not want to say anything beyond that. My dad was my dad.

My mom always told me it was just a cultural thing back in Vietnam, that to be deemed “crazy” was super taboo. With this train of thought, it makes sense why we never would call my dad bipolar or anything like that. That would mean he has something really wrong with him, right?

As for me, as someone on this personal journey toward figuring it all out, I want answers. The logical thing would be to seek professional help. An official diagnosis would label me the right kind of things I would need to be labeled, but what would it change unless I ended up higher than a kite stuffing my face with pills each day?

Why do I bring this all up now?

Just lately, lately… I am feeling more extreme emotions. This up-and-down feeling, back and forth…  It all makes one’s head spin! Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Shortcut

18369-anime-and-manga-anime-girl-racing-with-a-train.jpg
“There comes a point where trying to follow the linear path is not nearly quick enough.”

I am a mess. I have grown completely weary of trying to do things the old-fashioned way. What can I say? It has been five years and counting. After a while, it all makes me wonder what I am doing with my life. It sucks because we all should hope for happiness, whatever that may respectively be for all of us.

My idea of happiness would be attaining “success” in all of its glory. And yes, to wish for a shortcut now in this stage of the game may come off as a bit of impatience, but again… It’s been five years and counting. I don’t expect the world to throw me a bone my way after waiting this long, nor should I anticipate such a gesture. That would be foolish.

Instead, I need to think of practical ways of expediting this whole process within my power. Quite frankly, I can’t keep living like this. Well, I mean this in the sense that just gradually crawling toward my destination of the future is aggravating. I am annoyed at how long it is all taking, I am truly vexed in my own shortcomings as an individual and above all else…

I just want to make this all work. I want to be a better person. I want to be deemed a great person who has been through so much, who faced the personal brink of destruction and overcame it all to pull off something wonderful.

I should not expect to wake up tomorrow, and then boom… Success! This is not how it works. I do not want to be caught in a fantasy world all of the time. I know we need to visualize what we want at times, but there are just so many things going on in my life right now.

This paycheck-to-paycheck existence gets to me. I make just enough to survive, but never thriving irks me. I know I should not fuss so much about money, but funds in the bank account matter when you want to indulge.

For instance, do you know what I would really like to do now?
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Nurture

anime4.jpg
“When too caught up in life, one tends to neglect that which needs the most nurturing.”

I need to take better care of myself, and this is something I can’t continue to ignore that much longer. Part of the reason why my life is so scattered, so unorganized and just sloppy in so many facets… A lot of it stems from my neglectful and counterproductive habits.

There are simple things like me needing to clean up around my place. I make the note in my mind that it has to be done, but I put it off. Days pass, and then it’s a week and lo and behold… Heck, sometimes, something just gets put off for a month or more. It gets that sad, really.

I am supposed to be a grownup by now. Sometimes, to be frank, I don’t even think I have made it past young adult in terms of maturity. By all means, I have some responsibility to my name. I know how to make it to work on time due to an obsession with punctuality, but I wish I could apply this same kind of zeal toward everything else around me.

It feels like I really need a nagging voice in my life to keep me on my toes, to keep my honest and to keep me on top of what needs to be done. If I rely solely on myself, I tend to falter. Or so it seems.

I am just weary of myself being somewhat of a liar. OK, that would be going too far. Not a liar per se. If anything, it’s just someone who kind of flounders around too much instead of just knocking down one objective after the next. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Choices

097fbfb50c095d4082a4a7d5fd473533.jpg
“Each day, we all have a series of choices we have to make that dictate how life plays out.”

So a few weeks back, I had an episode with a blast from the past. It was like I was dragged back to relive some of the worst feelings I had ever experienced as far as depression symptoms go. I left the reason for it vague at the time, but I feel like sharing a bit as to why I was going through it all again.

In a nutshell, the restaurant I have been working at is sort on the fence about “demoting” me. And by that, I mean they have been slashing my hours and really trying to pressure me. Actually, I was almost fired for being a “bad” employee. Heck, they have plucked away some of my cook shifts to throw me into the dish pit station instead.

Not that I have anything against dishes, as it is an important job at any restaurant, but I have put in my share of time, effort and whatnot into this place. I have sweated, I have bled, I have done so much for this restaurant and for the place to make me feel almost underappreciated… It hurt me.

I had a meltdown because I was on the verge of just calling my boss and saying I quit. No two weeks’ notice. No request to phase me out slowly so I could find another job on the fly.

It came that close.

Fortunately, some of my senses came back to remind me that quitting my job so abruptly would have been an awful, truly horrible idea. It is not like I have a lot of bills or debt to my name at the moment, but I still need to work.

And yes, it’s just a restaurant job. Technically speaking, I could go find a job at McDonald’s or something if I really needed it. But this restaurant has grown on me throughout this past year. It would pain me to leave it and move onto the next thing like it hasn’t mattered to my existence.

Culinary-wise, I want to learn more at this restaurant, and there is plenty of stuff to pick up. As an aspiring chef, I go in yearning to expand my knowledge. But there comes a point where I wonder if I am just being a glutton for punishment if the management at this place is starting to test my patience. One can only take so much…

But for now, my decision is to stick around and try even harder. I have had a lot of random people over the years who have brought me down, who have tried to make me feel inferior or incompetent and it would bring me the greatest joy in the world to prove each one of them wrong.

I want to prove that I am a diamond in the rough. I want to prove that I am more than they realize. My true potential has yet to be reached.

Sure, the easy out would be to quit. The simplest solution would be to walk away and just find something else. I don’t want to concede just yet. I don’t want to be labeled or branded as a quitter for something like this.

Big deal.

It happens.

It is just an opportune moment to bounce back, and I intend to do so.
Continue reading