The 54th Deadline: Always Looking Back

anime_girl_schoolgirl_022297_by_nitin710-d77hzmb


The 54th Deadline: If only I could always keep my eyes looking toward the future. Seriously.


There are many days where I wish I could “turn off” the past in my mind. I feel like I am reminded of it every day constantly. It seems there is no way for me to block it off mentally, at least with anything short of me suffering from full-blown amnesia.

There have been plenty of good memories, and certainly there have been many bad and horrible ones as well, but the major issue is how I find myself always anchored because of what is behind me.

I want to move forward. I want to dash toward my next stage in life. I want to get there as fast as I can, and yet here I am just moving along so slowly. This snail-like pace has bothered me, but at the same time I realize it’s life’s way of forcing me to be ever patient.

My time will come. At least, I hope so anyway.

Obviously, there should be some eagerness to achieve the next big thing. I want to advance. I want to evolve. I want to grow as a person.

Ultimately, I want to thrive, be happy and all that jazz. If I have to look at it in another way, I guess I can’t really go from point A to point (?) without experiencing everything in between, right?

Still, I look back like I can’t take my eyes off what has happened to me. I know I am inching along with plenty of forward progress, but it’s become an unwanted habit of being obsessed with what has lain behind me for literally five years and counting.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let it go? Why can’t I just accept what’s done is done and just carry on without a second thought?

I am always looking back. I am always looking at what has happened as opposed to focusing on what’s ahead of me. Continue reading

Advertisements

The 54th Deadline: A Different Story

571b702c0fda7bc1e4487243118b542c


The 54th Deadline: I find the challenge in life is realizing how wonderful it really is at times.


Hi there. It’s me again.

I actually just got my computer back from the shop. Luckily, it wasn’t anything serious. The power supply broke down and had to be replaced. Regardless, not having my main computer for a while naturally forced me into a situation where I couldn’t work on my side projects directly while this computer was being fixed.

My main concern was whether the main files were lost, but that worry has gone away. It’s back to business. But what does that mean?

I have reached a point where I am somewhat disappointed with myself. I just feel like I am dawdling when so much progress could have been made, but alas things aren’t that easy for someone like me. Heck, it took literally years before I reclaimed my sense of independence, at least in terms of just moving out and living on my own.

You know. Adult decisions.

Buying my own groceries.

Paying my rent.

Realizing I need to buy those random products such as toothpaste or garbage bags when I start running out.

They’re the little things you overlook when you’re living with mommy and daddy. I should know firsthand. There was a point where I do believe I lost a lot of my mental maturity (at least it has felt like that) after staying at home, living rent-free and just essentially acting like an overgrown kid who couldn’t take care of himself.

That was certainly a rough time for me. I didn’t know if I could ever snap out of it. I didn’t know if I would be able to pick up the pieces when my confidence shattered all over the place.

I lost myself. I lost friends. I gained weight. I lost a lot of time just trying to “heal” something that couldn’t be cured in a day.

Simply put, it sucked. It sucked being an unemployed, naive college grad with a lot to prove.

I hated myself back then, but nowadays I probably just pity that weaker version of me for not having the gumption to overcome that kind of setback.

However, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am right now without going through that pain and misery. In a way, it was all a necessary, though unpleasant, experience. It just took a long time before the message sunk in so I could grow and learn from it all. And I am still learning. That’s the interesting part about this whole journey.

You just need to keep learning. You need to keep soaking up more knowledge until everything makes sense. I definitely want to make sure my life ends up a different story, in a good way, of course.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Thoughts

giphy


The 54th Deadline: There are always more chances than you realize to overcome challenges.


Lately, I have had various thoughts circulating.

As you can see, I am currently in the process of (once again) restructuring the look of this blog. At times, I wonder if I am just too unfocused to have a cohesive design and layout. I feel like I am just such a mess in this regard.

For now, I will keep this blog template in place, tweak a few things here and there probably and then finally decide on how this blog should look when I get my head on straight.

On one hand, I feel like I should just have this blog be about Dota 2, as I do play the game a lot. Well, it’s the game I try to play when I find time, but money needs to be made. And for money to be made, I need to spend more time working than I can invest in just playing.

But I suppose this is the better alternative than just sitting around all day, being unemployed and just letting time pass by me looking at a computer screen without anything really being achieved. Trust me. I have been down this path before. It isn’t pretty. Nope. It’s an extremely ugly, unappealing existence.

On the other hand, I do want to talk more about my dreaded “depression” topic. After all, and I say this a lot, so please bear with me. Without suffering the worst of the depression symptoms years ago, this blog wouldn’t exist. Heck, I wouldn’t have invested so much effort into this blog if I was truly that sad and miserable about my life at that point.

Nonetheless, I am glad I have this blog to my name. It’s special to me. Truly, truly special to me. I just think I have been too much of a spaz when it comes to blogging as consistently as I once did even half a year ago. Yet, and I say this with complete honesty, it had to be done.

I was losing control, as well as interest, of what was important to me. This blog used to be very high on my priority list to maintain. I felt obligated to churn out some kind of post to anyone willing to read my various thoughts and ramblings.

And I realize that sometimes a lot of things I write about don’t really appeal to a lot of people. There was a phase in this blog’s existence where I spoke heavily about anime and other random topics. Of course, times have changed.

At the moment, I can say I am not as into certain things as I once was. It’s sad, really. I thought I would never outgrow certain things, but I guess we all do end up changing in some shape or form as we get older.

Don’t get me wrong. I find myself occasionally watching an anime episode here and there, but it’s so seldom that I don’t even count it as anything meaningful. I used to binge-watch shows for hours on end, but it’s been a long while since I have done that with the same kind of geeky zeal that kept me glued to my seat, just staring at the screen without any regard to everything else around me.

But that was then. This is now.

Thoughts. So many thoughts. So many different ones that I don’t know what to follow, let alone believe in as my driving force. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Understanding Misery

superthumb
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
It’s been a little more than five years and counting.

If I were to backtrack years ago to when I was a naive, immature college graduate with nothing more than dreams of potential success on the mind. I would probably sick to my stomach.

I was a trainwreck waiting to happen, a meltdown on the verge of exploding everywhere and I did not see it coming before it was completely too late. There were subtle hints that I wasn’t OK. Every day, I sunk a little deeper into the abyss I was creating for myself. I became less in touch of what was before me. I was too unaware of how much of a personal hell I lived in, mainly because I did not want to accept the denial before me.

Truth be told, I was bound to become crestfallen at some point.

I spent a lot of time trying to hide myself from reality. I killed time by playing a lot of video games. My family and friends grew worried about me, but I thought things were going to be all right. I really did.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Forward, Albeit Slow, Progress

08c4a3df8586de18b1b771ea79388f31
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
There are those days where I wonder what would have happened if I played my cards differently.

Hindsight, after all, is always going to outline the “superior” approach, at least on paper. That’s a given. I am someone who is extremely guilty of letting himself be constantly stuck in the past in some fashion. Part of me knows I should just let go of the various, and often painful, memories that continue to haunt me. I wish it could be that simple.

I wonder what price I would pay if I could just wipe and erase those particular awful feelings once and for all. Like, poof! No more. Gone. History.

That would be so delightful. Just absolutely wonderful.

Literally years after all of the bad stuff has since done its damage, it’s like some of these particular wounds will never fully heal. Or so I think. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Helping Hand

164
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
I am someone who has lost his fair share of helping hands over the years. At first, people are often willing to stretch out their hands and offer whatever aid they can. However, there comes a point where they feel more and more reluctant to do so. Help can only go so far.

I have learned this about myself over the years. I was at times an extremely needy person. A weak individual. Just someone you didn’t want to be around out of fear of being sucked into my myriad of personal problems.

But at my worst state, I begged for help every step of the way. I received a lot of temporary relief, brief reassurance that everything would be OK, but a lot of it would fade away and the cycle would repeat itself all over again.

And so what could I do? I asked for further help. I sought after helping hands to pull me out of whatever downward spiral I had found myself caught in for a given bout with doubt.

Before I knew it, a lot of my former friends and peers over time just didn’t want to interact with me anymore. Not because they hated me or anything like that. If anything, it was because I was turning into a walking cesspool of negativity. And quite frankly, I can accept this nowadays as a reasonable answer.

One day, I just felt super deserted. I thought everyone around me was disappearing from my corner. In reality, I had created this sense of desolation for myself. I thought my problems were too overwhelming. Sure, at times, I thought I could never overcome anything that had set itself in front of me.

Quite frankly, again, I was a weakling. I was downright pathetic. And it showed.

I couldn’t rely on much of anyone after a certain point. It was basically just a one-on-one bout with everything that had stifled my progress in life.

It sucked.

But I got through one obstacle after another. Somehow, anyway. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: The Weight of the Matter

Picture 23
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Life certainly has been hard for me these past few weeks. It took a death of a coworker to force me to rethink everything.

Something I wanted to do because of my coworker’s death was attempt dieting again. Let’s just say I have been having second thoughts about it. But hear me out.

You see, in a nutshell, I have never been super fit before in my life. I have been at best marginally in OK shape when I participated in a few sports back in high school. Otherwise, I was either pretty skinny and then eventually on the pudgy side.

At the moment, I have put on a few pounds compared to what I was even half a year ago since moving into this town. Then again, I got kicked out from where I was living before and I spent a few months unemployed, starving and then eventually eating like crazy due to stress. It was no surprise it would affect my weight on the scale after a while.

But in regards to the diet, I attempted going back to a diet I tried successfully a long time ago. It really did work, as I lost 30 pounds after committing to it for 10 whole weeks. However, stupid stuff happened, which ended up sending me to the emergency room.
Continue reading