The 54th Deadline: A Hundred Cards

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“In a world full of negativity, we must instead choose to listen to positive messages.”

Well, better late than never.

I actually finished my note card project a few days back, but the blog post just got delayed for whatever reason. Yup, all 100 cards got jotted with some kind of random, positive-geared message.

I admit some were not as good as others, but the point is the messages were all about looking for the bright side. Below are 10 random ones I thought were decent and up.


Who knows? Maybe there will be a day where some of these messages can be in a fortune cookie or something. For now, I have all of the cards inside of a bag near my computer desk. I guess I want the reminder that I did something nice and easy, but they all made me feel better about life.
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The 54th Deadline: Hope

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“The worst days make me wonder why I keep going. And then, I remember that I believe in hope.”

As you can see, I decided to change the tagline again.

“Hope is my catalyst.”

The previous “Progress is perseverance” tagline was good for me as well. But lately, I just feel like I have been regressing again. I just think I am caught in another slump. It is a weaker slump, but it is a slump nonetheless.

I just feel very out of it. I feel even more unmotivated than ever before, but I keep trying. I am just at a strange spot in my life.

I am aware so much has to be done. I have a lot of dreams and goals, but something just got sapped out of me. It is a drained feeling. I am definitely losing it… At this rate, anyway.
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The 54th Deadline: Rework

“Change is a necessary evil, but the good part about it means something different can occur.”

Not feeling the best right now, so I am going to let some steam off in this blog post to see if it helps. Anyway, I am thinking about taking this blog through another “rework” phase. I have been doing a similar style of blogging for a long while, but I wonder if it is time just to mix things up for the mere sake of it.

The more I go through my past blog posts, the more I wonder what kind of impression I am leaving behind, at least in regards to how I want others to perceive me.

It has been five/six years now, and though some things have gotten better and all… I am still a mess in many ways. I just feel like an incomplete dish still waiting in the pan, and I just need a few more ingredients to complete the whole process before I am ready to serve.

But that is the thing about it all. It just feels like I have been sitting there, lying in wait for so long and I just wonder if anything is going to come by to make me into a finished product. Ultimately, I have concluded that I can’t rely on outside forces to make it happen.

Again, the world doesn’t owe me a favor, and nor should I expect it to do so magically. The less I think of myself as someone who is entitled to such things… Well, to be blunt, the better it is for me. I can’t keep banking on something to fall into my lap. In reality, I should approach it from the other angle. I need to be more proactive and head toward the stuff I want to reach, even if it is difficult and discouraging to do so.

Even as far as blogging goes, I guess part of this blog comes off as really childish in its own ways. I have enjoyed just plugging in the anime pictures as filler and stuff, but I wonder if I really need them there. They are just there to break up the text, but I really do desire to make this blog… more “professional” at some point?

I guess, in other words, I want this blog to mature as I should have matured as time went on, but I obviously have not grown up if I have technically regressed in this category. To say that I have regressed is quite accurate in many ways.

We all go through life at different paces, and I think I have certainly hit a wall at some point and then inadvertently backtracked when I should have kept going. I made excuses about it back then, but I can’t keep cycling through the same crap again and again ad nauseum. I hate feeling like I am repeating myself, but deep down I am aware I am caught up in my own drama.
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The 54th Deadline: Encouragement

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“Keep yourself feeling positive by using words meant to lift your spirits up.”

Words matter. The stuff you hear, read or say can impact you in all kinds of ways.

For me over the years, I have had my share of negativity. Some of it was from others, but a lot of it stemmed from me being my own worst enemy.

I have made myself feel lousy, unappreciated, undervalued, sad, angry and pretty much every negative thing you could think of within reason. When you find yourself bombarded with words meant to hurt, it will. It shouldn’t come as a surprise.

After a while, you start to believe what you are coming across, and it is all downhill from there. Conversely, words of encouragement would thus be the superior alternative.

Trade those insults for self-esteem boosters. Tune out those words hacking away at your confidence and instead lift yourself up with thoughtful tidbits of advice to stay cool as a cucumber.

I don’t want to be the guy who has to tell you that those cheesy and overused platitudes of never giving up and whatnot do in fact mean something. It may be formalities at times, but it’s better you hear that than something toxic to ruin your mood.

Take it from someone who has nearly drowned in that depression pool various times throughout this personal journey. Those random words can sting a bit too much, weighing just enough that you can feel it sinking you as you’re just trying to keep your head above water.

Believe me. And this is me being very real about this. If I didn’t have those particular people along the way to remind me to keep going, to reason with me that I still had it within me to persevere… Well, I don’t know what would have happened. I am thankful, as in truly thankful, I have made it this far because of those particular people who both come and go in my life.

There will in fact be plenty of work ahead to make the ultimate comeback, but I am at least blessed to have the privilege to take another crack at it.

This is why I decided to do something very random for my own sake today. It is nothing revolutionary by all means. It’s actually very simple. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Hidden Battles

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“To fight battles others cannot see every day is a soul-draining, taxing endeavor.”

Throughout the years, I have learned how I am my own worst enemy.

I am my own worst enemy because I continue to enable the negativity to keep popping back up in my life. I revert to inefficient cycles of moving forward a bit and then ending up back where I started. It’s a very back-and-forth dance I have grown accustomed to, but I want this particular waltz to end. Please!

Each day, with some sense of optimism, I tell myself that today is going to be the day. Today is going to be that one day I really make a breakthrough. But it was no different today. I shouldn’t be so impatient. When it happens, it happens. Until then, I can only hope for the best.

But in the meantime, there are lots of hidden battles. They are bouts with doubt. They stem from personal struggles of feeling worthless and being unable to realize my true potential as an individual.

I have been fighting these hidden battles for more than five years now. Even before I started this blog, I technically had a lot of depression building up. Those later years in college did a number on my well-being. I was too damaged after a certain point to realize how much repair I was due, at least if I wanted to patch up what was already in the process of shutting down.

If I could have done something back then, maybe now I wouldn’t feel so fragile. Maybe then I wouldn’t so unstable, always on the brink of undoing all of the positive progress I have made throughout this time.

Take this past evening as a prime example of what I mean. I was about to sit down and do something productive. I wanted to write sooner. I wanted to concentrate on just practicing some concepts.

What did I do instead? I napped. But not in the manner you think. I napped because I felt depressed.

I felt sad.

I felt like my energy and motivation got sapped away by life itself.

I just did not feel like doing anything.

So I slept.

And though one could argue that rest is important, taking this kind of nap when I wasn’t feeling weary just causes me to think I just wasted time more or less.

And sure, after waking up, I did feel better about things, even if only through temporary relief. But gosh… I really need to get my act together.  Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Chase

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“Certain days make me think I am in an ongoing chase without an end in sight.”

Having a goal to chase after is important. However, sometimes I feel like I am running on a perpetual treadmill that won’t stop. And this means I am nowhere close to reaching checkpoints that I should have reached by now.

But that’s the thing. In terms of progress, I am definitely making some strides. I obviously don’t think I have accomplished enough at this stage in the game, but I certainly have completed particular goals I had on the agenda throughout the past year.

Getting a job.

Getting a car.

Establishing a sense of independence.

All of this and more. Each of these, respectively, should be considered achievements for someone like me. A lot of these things may not appear that monumental at face value, but believe me – I am much better because I have this stuff to my name. By miles.

I think having goals to chase after is beneficial because it gives you that sense of direction. You aren’t just meandering through life and ending up at specific spots randomly. In a sense, to chase after the right goal at the right time drastically improves the odds things will turn out all right if not wonderful.

And then we start going into comparisons.

And when it comes to comparisons, we all can feel a bit envy or grateful, depending on the perspective and context.

A few years back, I found myself usually feeling jealous of others. I felt like a loser because I was not at point (x) when my (former) friends and peers were already many steps ahead. I grew bitter and insecure, gradually turning into an emotional mess.

To call me unstable would not have been an understatement. Feeling like I hit rock bottom, just the mere thought of it, weighed me down. I anchored myself, preventing any form of progress for so many years as a major consequence.  Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Blur

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The 54th Deadline: Time sure flies by fast. A lot quicker than a lot of people may realize. Poof.


I feel like the gap between blog posts has grown gradually wider and wider, in a bad way, of course.

At the end of the day, this blog does in fact remain very important to me. It’s high up on the list of priorities, but I still find myself basically neglecting it as I try to handle the day-to-day operations of, well, surviving.

I used to blog a lot more often. All of the time, for that matter. I didn’t care at first who read what I wrote. I am sure I have had my share of ramblings, but I have also had a lot of blog posts I genuinely enjoyed putting together. It wasn’t about the viewership or anything like that in the beginning. I just wanted an outlet, just something to release some of the excess feelings out and it did help. It really helped a lot.

Still, time has flown by to this day. It’s been a blur. Everything has just felt like it all happened all too fast for me to notice.

Heck, a year ago to this point, I just moved into the place I am living now for literally no more than a few days. That was a very scary time for a lot of reasons.

Unemployed.

Unsure of what I was going to do.

Limited money in the bank.

Didn’t know many people in town.

It was just me starting a new chapter in my life.

Fast-forward to nowadays, and a lot of things are heading in the right direction.

Employed.

Have a car.

Got a cat as a pet.

Somewhat more stability in terms of finances. I am not rich by any means, but I at least have some cash to spend on extra stuff beyond the necessities.

I am certainly missing a lot of random things that would be nice, but I constantly tell myself that everything will come in due time. At least, I hope that’s the case. One can only wait for so long.

This blur-like pace that life makes you undergo really makes you think: time definitely is precious.

Believe me. As someone who can barely keep up with the now, it’s a wondrous idea to fathom making every second count. Sure, in a fantasy world perhaps, but obligations exist in reality. I can’t just not work for the sake of it. I need to hold a job down to pay the bills and make sure I don’t starve.

From this standpoint, things are more than fine. I survive, but I never thrive. And I really want to make the latter more prevalent. Continue reading