The 54th Deadline: Tools

“I have been a fool to think I have been missing the necessary tools to make my dreams come true.”

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.

I have been spewing out more excuses than I can count over the years. Yeah, I have been through my share of tough spots. I have suffered. I have been legitimately pushed to various limits: physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have wanted to cry. I have wanted to hide.

I have been through so much, but I also got through somehow in some shape or form. Perhaps I was lucky, perhaps the universe did in fact throw me a bone or two along the way, but getting over a specific hump and trying to reach that elusive “next stage” has been on my mind.

It just makes me think that I am a fool. I am a fool because I think I have been missing a few tools to make the next jump possible, where building my future entailed so much extra effort and resources.

But here is the thing.

There have been very successful people who have done the impossible with less, so why am I complaining? Why am I trying to chalk up reasons as to why I am not achieving success?

Am I that cowardly? Am I that pathetic?

Yes. And another yes.

I have it all before me. I have everything around me. Every. Single. Thing.

I have every single that I would possibly need.

Now, it is just a matter of doing something with the tools. A great creation cannot be put together unless the creator makes it happen. Nothing can have an end without a beginning.

I have just been so stuck, so cowardly about making all of the good things occur. I talk a big game, but I have yet to pull the trigger with complete intent.

I need to stop being scared. I need to stop letting my life freeze up at every critical moment… Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Facade

“Life has to continue regardless, but we all must put up a front that things are OK on the surface.”

Do you remember those moments when you were a kid in gym class, you get hurt a little bit and needed a timeout before joining your classmates for the rest of the activity? Lately, I have been feeling like I need a breather of sorts, but one that is a bit longer than usual. Emotionally, I feel drained and unmotivated. I am at my wit’s end just trying to get through the day, but at the same time I need to for my own sake.

I still need to work, I still need to take care of myself (though I admit I need to do a better job at this) and I need to keep looking ahead at what needs to be done. However, I feel like I am faltering. I feel like I am definitely falling apart at the seams. The more I try to rationalize what is going wrong, the more I try to pinpoint what exactly is causing me to feel so useless, so inefficient and just so undervalued…

It all stings. Like, it really does hit me where it hurts. I glance at this blog when I get home and am annoyed at myself for neglecting it. And this bad habit is starting to become apparently worse as time goes on, and I am just totally irked by it all.

Individually, this is just one aspect of my crumbling life. Collectively, I am somewhat intact, but there are cracks. These small chips here and there will add up, and eventually it will all shatter at this rate unless I mend the random problems and get my act together.

And it just feels like I have to pretend. I hate putting up this facade that I am OK, when in reality I am not. I am not doing that well on a lot of fronts. I am not getting it. To be honest, sometimes I really just want to hide somewhere in my place, just bury myself underneath the sheets and pretend things did not have to matter so much to me.

Alas, they do matter. Otherwise, I would not bother subjecting myself to this cycle of highs and lows again and again. No sane person would do this willingly. Perhaps I am not sane? Or maybe I am?

Who knows…

No matter what the technicality is, I am just becoming a bigger mess as time goes on. I am getting sloppy. I am just losing it in more ways than one.
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The 54th Deadline: Guide

“I definitely need a guide of some sort to lead me on the right path for life’s complex journey.” 

I am not an impulsive person. I do not rely on my instincts much, if at all. So by all means, I am someone who does better with structure. I prefer it when someone maps out x thing for me and that is the objective or destination that I need to get to. It is something quantifiable, identifiable and just something that aids me from wandering around too much.

Without structure, I am just a mess. I become a disorganized, walking disaster of inefficiency and lost thoughts. If there could be something negative to be said about me, it would be that I lack a lot of initial gumption to my name without a big push from another source.

It is not a matter of me not being able to do certain things per se. My capabilities as a person, with all due respect, vary in all kinds of degrees. Quite frankly, I know I do not push myself hard enough to realize my own potential.

After all, cooking was something that started as a random interest and gradually developed into something I found passion in, though having something important save my life proved to be a major motivator.

I was a scrub at cooking, and now I consider myself at least somewhat competent.


When I really apply every technique or nugget of information I have learned about cooking into action…
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The 54th Deadline: Edge

“Ultimately, those who succeed are those who have that needed edge to cut through an obstacle.”

I need an edge…

And what I mean is rather simple. I need that oomph. I need that boost. I need that one tipping point, no matter how minuscule or wide, that will take me over to the next level.

Looking back at it, I have always been quite a scrub in this regard. I have been too “kind” to others in a sense, and please allow me to elaborate. The fact is, those who are too nice get walked on, and to show some real confidence in yourself really does mean a big deal.

I have always been content with tagging along with other people’s success, whether it was a group project or whatever. I was so happy just being included, as opposed to being the main star. I have regrets about it now, but I can’t really do anything about what has happened to me so many times in the past.

And this is OK. What’s left in the past has to remain there. As long as I learn from it, even if that acquired knowledge has to start right now as I am typing this blog post out, so be it.

Better late than never. I suppose…

I am just growing weary of playing second fiddle. I am just getting extremely impatient with life itself. I want my time to shine, and I want that time to happen NOW! Of course, no matter how much I want to whine and moan about it all, the universe will most likely not give in to my demands without something in return.

Fine. No problem. I believe in hard work, anyway. I don’t want a handout. I just want a setup, a means for me to reach where I need to reach. Whatever that may be… And this is the part that eludes me.
I have so many inklings, but none of it means a darn thing if I can’t connect the dots.

It’s like if you were given a sword, and you can have whatever you wanted if you can cut the right spot on a wall. But where would you strike? Where would be the secret spot that will open up to make your dreams come true?

Perhaps I am just thinking about all of this is a convoluted manner, where thoughts are just stacked up eclectically and I am just not sorting them out properly. My gut feeling is to keep looking around for a clue, just something… Anything!

Alas, if were so easy, we all would find our happy spot. We all would find our place in this world. I truly believe just being adamant is definitely important. Otherwise, you can fall victim to your own moments of weakness.

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The 54th Deadline: Identity

“There are times where I wonder what my real identity is as a person here and now.”

First off, I am just experimenting with the blog theme because I can. After a while, I just think I need to tap into my creative side and actually try to make this site a bit more presentable. Regardless, I do like tweaking things around, even if they may be temporary.

Anyway, this site’s identity actually ties a bit with today’s blog post.

I think I am getting caught in a weird rut again. I feel like I should be doing way more, and then for me to conclude that I haven’t done so has made me feel a bit annoyed at myself. As if I am failing at something I can’t quite describe, it feels like I developed a lot of bad habits and I am not seeing things through to the end. It just makes me want to hate myself for being so pathetically inefficient. It really makes me feel this way.

At the same time, life has been tricky for me in plenty of ways. Last week had me experiencing episodes of some of the worst feelings I have dealt with once again, but thankfully it only lasted a few days. In reality, it all woke me up that I am still not strong enough, that I am still not as tenacious as I thought was if if I let a little slip-up get me down so much and thus I need to rethink my plan of attack.

Simply put, I lack a proper identity so to speak. This site is a reflection of my ambiguity.

Who am I? What am I? I think this blog can be a bit confusing as to what I am trying to convey, and therefore it gives off the wrong message.

Am I Nhan the aspiring writer? Am I Nhan the aspiring chef? Am I Nhan the aspiring content creator?

Well, for those particular questions, they all would be applicable to me. And that, therein, lies the real problem in all of this… I am an identity crisis. I am trying to be too many things at once, and thus I am not being a master of anything.

There are people out there who can be defined as a great singer. There are people out there who can be defined as great athletes. You can say this for anything, so where do I fit in this picture? Where is my place in this world?

To be continued. To be answered another time.

It’s always another time with me… I am sick of it.

I just disappoint myself feeling like this, as if I am just all talk and nothing more concrete to show for it. I have lived too many recent years trying to survive, just trying to hang on by a thread like I was going to die if I didn’t.

Where is my opportunity to shine? Where are my chances to impress people with all of my respective capabilities?

I wish the universe would just tell me… I wish the universe would just give me a sign!
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The 54th Deadline: Thud

“It takes hitting rock bottom once in a while to motivate you to launch back up.”

I realize the past few posts have been on the negative side, but life happens. Regardless, it’s time to get back on track. Thud. I hit the very bottom again, if only briefly for a few days, and all of it just reminded me why I have spent so many years to get out of that spot.

Surviving a year and a half of feeling exactly like that was hellish, and I am not going to let a few days’ worth of it prevent me from going forward. I will label it as a delay, an inconvenience… just as long it is not the definite stop in this journey. I have too much I need to do, so much I want to see and an unmeasurable amount of hope to keep me ambitious for the rest of my life.

If I let another hiccup derail me off the tracks, I would chalk myself as a complete failure. I have gone on for too long to give up now. I have forced myself to tough it out in personally challenging situations, one after the next. Basically, I have to maintain such a mentality no matter what.

Raw and undeniable tenacity. It gauges your grit when somethings comes to push, prompting to shove back in resistance. Resolve is tested at your worst.

I need to be more conscious of the next few weeks in particular. I think it will make or break me, depending on if I am truly strong or weak.  Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Similar Sadness

“Sadness drains the very sense of joy from you, making life itself feel quite dour.”

This whole day, I was reminded of a similar sadness I knew all too well back then. The very depression-riddled, soul-sucking feelings from five years ago returned. In full force, no less. And just like that, I have felt taxed. Physically, mentally and emotionally. But it has only been just a day.

I had so many random things planned today. Granted, they were just mostly chores like cleaning downstairs and whatnot, but I found myself attempting to “distract” myself from this sadness instead of doing my obligations. I am a lousy, weak person in this regard.

Apparently, the cycle had to repeat itself today. Woe is me, right?

Obviously, no one wants to feel sad. No one should feel sad when they can help it, but sometimes things happen. I don’t know if I really want to vent about what happened in full detail just yet, but it definitely bummed me out. I am saddened that life is starting to back me into another corner again. It’s either be eaten alive or take a stand. I want to go with the latter for the sake of personal growth.

I do not want to be negative for the mere sake of it. Heck, tears are starting to well up in my eyes as I type this out. I guess, for what it’s worth, it’s somewhat of a positive sign. Years ago, I literally couldn’t cry. No matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn’t.

But now, as I have to tell myself not to bawl my eyes out for my own sense of dignity, I have to remind myself to be strong. Chalk this day up as a loss. And leave it that.
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