The 54th Deadline: Method

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“The method in which we approach something is vital for the final result.”

A particular quote has been on my mind as of late…

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Sadly, this quote is quite applicable to me in a variety of ways.

I am very stubborn when it comes to change. Old habits die hard for me. I am not someone who can change his ways with ease. I delay the change. I think about it. I mull over every aspect of it.

Gradually, if I am lucky, some sort of shift will be made. And then, and only then, will something stick. But it’s going to take a long while. I don’t shift gears for the task at hand. It’s more like I take my sweet time to take the gears out and then put in a whole set of parts to replace them.

Unfortunately, this accounts for why my healing process over the years has been taking forever. Back then, I knew I had to alter some elements with my lifestyle to get the recovery process off the ground.

I needed to get the ball rolling with better actions instead of waiting for something to happen to me. I basically should have been way more proactive. Being reactive when you are in a pinch is setting yourself up for failure.

What was my main problem back then? I needed a job. Any job.

What did I do instead? I chased blindly after pipe dreams. I narrowed my sights on something far away, with no real way of ensuring I would ever get to that point. I deluded myself when I should have focused on what was unraveling before my eyes.

Well, I was unraveling. I became an empty and soulless husk. I lost a lot of things like people I considered friends and whatnot. The world around me was continuing, but I was getting “trapped” in my own bubble.

What was the result? I tried to cope to ease some of the guilt. I just attempted to fill the void with random shows and video games. I was not remedying the situation at all.

And why? It was because of my method.

My c0ba36255aacc30bf9cc9a75ba0c4e03method was all wrong. My entire approach was just flawed. No way was it going to improve my life, let alone salvage me from all kinds of personal despair.

As opposed to parking my butt in that particular chair near my mattress to stare at my laptop on the old sewing machine spot, there were literally countless alternatives.

I could have picked up working out, you know… I could have gone to the gym to get physically stronger or whatever.

I could have explored different avenues.

I could have learned to play music.

I could have volunteered at an animal shelter. Anywhere.

Lots of people deviate to reach their dream jobs, so why didn’t I think outside of the box as well? Actually, no… That’s not entirely true. I did think outside of the box, but I put too many eggs in one basket…

Still, I should have been smarter about the whole thing. I was unemployed, barely able to take care of myself and I did not even know how to cook at this stage as a young adult. The horror! The shame!

I could have done something more productive in the meantime at the very least. Every day more or less, for more than a year and a half, I kept waking up to look at that computer screen.

I played so many hours of video games. I watched so many episodes of anime. I watched so many movies. What did it get me?

Hours and hours would pass, and I was gazing at that computer screen being a jobless loser. Other than that, I was either sleeping or eating. I rarely left the house. I spent most of the time in the basement, being too ashamed and wary of letting others see me. It got that bad. It was a pathetic cycle. A truly low point in my existence. I want to blur it out of my mind!

A lot of wasted time. That’s for sure.

Sure, I sent out resumes and cover letters. I legitimately applied to so many places. The job market really did suck for most people five years ago. This was not some conspiracy or a convoluted excuse. The economy was in the pits.

I was just one of many victims to the horrible economy. Regardless, I could have done more to fight against the adversity. I could have done more to get myself out of a tough spot.

I tried to escape my real troubles with all of those computer things by numbing my mind to the mess I had around me. I was too prideful as a college graduate to declare I was failing, mainly because I really did believe the universe would give me my fair shake in the job market at some point.

However, running out of money and slowly being drained of one’s spirit as a person… It takes its toll. That toll would mean I essentially lost a bunch of years out of my life that I never will get back.

And this was all because my method was crappy. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Composure

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“People who can keep their cool no matter what can persevere through anything.”

As I have grown older, I have realized I have always lacked a lot of composure as a person.

Composure is something I wish I had more of, in abundance, especially when life forced me into a corner and made me rethink everything. The fact is, if I could have composed myself a lot better as my world was falling apart, everything would have certainly played out differently.

More than five years ago, as the effects of long-term unemployment began to sink in, I simply crumbled.

I was living at home with my parents.

I had no job.

My bank account was depleting.

I just played a lot of video games to pass the time, just hoping things would magically change overnight.

In reality, what I really needed was to compose myself. I needed to bring everything back together, evaluate the problems and then deal with them accordingly.

Yeah, I was going through a rough patch. Back then, I attempted to justify it. But whether it was rational or not, I was in a tough spot. I let the crap pile on, even though I had all of the tools to hack away at the base before it all built up any further.

Instead, I was a weak fool. An incompetent, immature and cowardly clown who had no business trying to get his life together if I couldn’t handle the early signs of an emotional meltdown.

My problems grew more and more out of control. It would be a long time before I actually, and I mean genuinely, began to “heal” from the pain and whatnot.

And this was all because of a huge lack of composure on my part.

Just thinking back throughout my life, I wish I could be just a bit cooler here and there. I wouldn’t have had to stumble around, never completely maturing from the social anxiety-riddled kid who was always so shy and hesitant to be bold once and awhile.

I regret that now, but it can’t be helped. That’s all in the past. And the current me has all of the necessary motivation to rewrite the script. I don’t have to let things play out this way if I can at least influence some variables in my life.

For example, anger was something really getting out of control in my life. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Pressure

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The 54th Deadline: Life often forces some pressure your way to encourage immediate action.


More than five years ago, I was a loser by all means. I never would admit to it back then, but one could call me that now and I wouldn’t get mad at them for it.

That’s what I was. A loser. A bonafide loser. But that doesn’t mean I had to remain one. That’s the key. You can always change.

I was a new college grad, unemployed, just sleeping on a mattress in my parents’ basement. My laptop, my salvation at the time, sat on the desk where the old sewing machine used to be.

Every day, it was often the same routine with little variation.

I woke up. I got ready and all of that jazz. I then parked my butt in front of my laptop. At first, I was genuinely productive for a long while. I applied to many job listings that matched my degree. Granted, that was a rough time to attempt becoming a journalist, let alone getting some small gig to tide me over.

Things are always hard when you’re starting out, after all. The journalism job market at the time was sketchy and very unfriendly toward a lot of new people trying to get their journalism feet wet.

Anyway, the initial months were a constant blur of monotony. I took the summer off to “recharge” from my senior year in college, but the truth is I had a lot of built-up depression systems that lingered after college graduation. I was just in major denial of it.

Regardless, I was hellbent on getting my dream job after summer. I applied and applied, and most of my replies seemed rather pointless. I felt like I was wasting my time, but I knew I still had to apply with some semblance of a chance that things would pan out the way I had wanted.

But what was I to do in the meantime? Because I was so thoroughly weary and exhausted by the time my senior year of college ended, I did in fact needed the rest. So I passed the time mostly on my computer, wasting away hours upon hours while I hoped my “feelers” as you would call them were supposedly working their magic.

I played a lot of video games. An unhealthy amount, no less. I just played a LOT of video games. So many hours. So unproductive.

Alas, I wish my resumes could have told me somehow that their searches were to no avail. Potential employers don’t have to tell you they passed on you. Heck no. Most just ignore you. It’s like you never sent anything to them at all. You become just another blip on their radar they don’t notice. Another message in their inbox they might as well put in the spam folder.

Unless you had a gleaming resume or prior connections, many college grads were basically screwed. I was no different. Unfortunately, I should have known how ill-prepared I was to face the real world at the time.

It would take about two months after summer before I got my first real interview for a potential job, but that’s a different story I have discussed before way in the past. That led to a lot of terrible things for me personally, which added further self-destruction to my name as that particular series of events unfolded.

I might touch up on that later, but for now I want to focus on the notion of “pressure” and why I need it more than anything else in my life at the moment. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Blur

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The 54th Deadline: Time sure flies by fast. A lot quicker than a lot of people may realize. Poof.


I feel like the gap between blog posts has grown gradually wider and wider, in a bad way, of course.

At the end of the day, this blog does in fact remain very important to me. It’s high up on the list of priorities, but I still find myself basically neglecting it as I try to handle the day-to-day operations of, well, surviving.

I used to blog a lot more often. All of the time, for that matter. I didn’t care at first who read what I wrote. I am sure I have had my share of ramblings, but I have also had a lot of blog posts I genuinely enjoyed putting together. It wasn’t about the viewership or anything like that in the beginning. I just wanted an outlet, just something to release some of the excess feelings out and it did help. It really helped a lot.

Still, time has flown by to this day. It’s been a blur. Everything has just felt like it all happened all too fast for me to notice.

Heck, a year ago to this point, I just moved into the place I am living now for literally no more than a few days. That was a very scary time for a lot of reasons.

Unemployed.

Unsure of what I was going to do.

Limited money in the bank.

Didn’t know many people in town.

It was just me starting a new chapter in my life.

Fast-forward to nowadays, and a lot of things are heading in the right direction.

Employed.

Have a car.

Got a cat as a pet.

Somewhat more stability in terms of finances. I am not rich by any means, but I at least have some cash to spend on extra stuff beyond the necessities.

I am certainly missing a lot of random things that would be nice, but I constantly tell myself that everything will come in due time. At least, I hope that’s the case. One can only wait for so long.

This blur-like pace that life makes you undergo really makes you think: time definitely is precious.

Believe me. As someone who can barely keep up with the now, it’s a wondrous idea to fathom making every second count. Sure, in a fantasy world perhaps, but obligations exist in reality. I can’t just not work for the sake of it. I need to hold a job down to pay the bills and make sure I don’t starve.

From this standpoint, things are more than fine. I survive, but I never thrive. And I really want to make the latter more prevalent. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Transitions

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The 54th Deadline: Change is inevitable. I can accept this fact now with complete readiness.


This is a peculiar thing to admit on so many levels, but I have accepted I am abnormally a late bloomer in many regards. Certain feelings and elements about myself, over the years, were essentially still in development. Or so to speak.

My naive self before I graduated school thought I could remain the way I was: immature, overly shy, socially awkward and so forth. I legitimately thought things would work out in the end.

They didn’t. Not at all.

And that’s why I fell apart at the seams. That’s why I spent a good year and a half just trying to hang in there. I was completely and utterly destroyed from within, and my only real choices were to let myself self-destruct even further or do something positive to get myself back in order.

Obviously, I opted for the latter. It was really hard at first. It was one of the most challenging ordeals I had ever put myself through, but it was all necessary. Going back to the late bloomer thing, I guess you could say I somehow reverted back even more, maturity-wise, as a person.

Essentially, I regressed mentally in a lot of ways. I was no longer that young adult in his early 20s anymore. I felt like an overgrown kid whose physical age said more than 20, but in my mind it was like probably being a 16-year-old teenager again. It sure felt like I was someone in high school again who didn’t have a clue about the “real world” yet.

These days, I have a lot to think about in regards to what has happened and how I am going to bounce back in the long term. There are many aspects about myself that elude me, yet I am extremely aware of one thing: I’m changing.

I am changing in so many ways. I am going through so many inner transitions that I can’t even keep up with them all. Heck, even as I type this blog post out, I can feel that I am an entirely different person.

Years ago, I could write this whole blog post out and “feel” out the words I am typing out on my keyboard, but I can’t quite do that anymore. Not in the same manner. I once was able to tell if a word was spelled right or wrong based simply on typing it out.

Nope. That “power” isn’t here to this day. Let’s just say I find myself double-checking my spelling a lot more than usual. The prior me, the one in college anyway, was capable of that all-star editor stuff. Not this current me.

But you know what?
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Thoughts

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The 54th Deadline: There are always more chances than you realize to overcome challenges.


Lately, I have had various thoughts circulating.

As you can see, I am currently in the process of (once again) restructuring the look of this blog. At times, I wonder if I am just too unfocused to have a cohesive design and layout. I feel like I am just such a mess in this regard.

For now, I will keep this blog template in place, tweak a few things here and there probably and then finally decide on how this blog should look when I get my head on straight.

On one hand, I feel like I should just have this blog be about Dota 2, as I do play the game a lot. Well, it’s the game I try to play when I find time, but money needs to be made. And for money to be made, I need to spend more time working than I can invest in just playing.

But I suppose this is the better alternative than just sitting around all day, being unemployed and just letting time pass by me looking at a computer screen without anything really being achieved. Trust me. I have been down this path before. It isn’t pretty. Nope. It’s an extremely ugly, unappealing existence.

On the other hand, I do want to talk more about my dreaded “depression” topic. After all, and I say this a lot, so please bear with me. Without suffering the worst of the depression symptoms years ago, this blog wouldn’t exist. Heck, I wouldn’t have invested so much effort into this blog if I was truly that sad and miserable about my life at that point.

Nonetheless, I am glad I have this blog to my name. It’s special to me. Truly, truly special to me. I just think I have been too much of a spaz when it comes to blogging as consistently as I once did even half a year ago. Yet, and I say this with complete honesty, it had to be done.

I was losing control, as well as interest, of what was important to me. This blog used to be very high on my priority list to maintain. I felt obligated to churn out some kind of post to anyone willing to read my various thoughts and ramblings.

And I realize that sometimes a lot of things I write about don’t really appeal to a lot of people. There was a phase in this blog’s existence where I spoke heavily about anime and other random topics. Of course, times have changed.

At the moment, I can say I am not as into certain things as I once was. It’s sad, really. I thought I would never outgrow certain things, but I guess we all do end up changing in some shape or form as we get older.

Don’t get me wrong. I find myself occasionally watching an anime episode here and there, but it’s so seldom that I don’t even count it as anything meaningful. I used to binge-watch shows for hours on end, but it’s been a long while since I have done that with the same kind of geeky zeal that kept me glued to my seat, just staring at the screen without any regard to everything else around me.

But that was then. This is now.

Thoughts. So many thoughts. So many different ones that I don’t know what to follow, let alone believe in as my driving force. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Understanding Misery

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
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It’s been a little more than five years and counting.

If I were to backtrack years ago to when I was a naive, immature college graduate with nothing more than dreams of potential success on the mind. I would probably sick to my stomach.

I was a trainwreck waiting to happen, a meltdown on the verge of exploding everywhere and I did not see it coming before it was completely too late. There were subtle hints that I wasn’t OK. Every day, I sunk a little deeper into the abyss I was creating for myself. I became less in touch of what was before me. I was too unaware of how much of a personal hell I lived in, mainly because I did not want to accept the denial before me.

Truth be told, I was bound to become crestfallen at some point.

I spent a lot of time trying to hide myself from reality. I killed time by playing a lot of video games. My family and friends grew worried about me, but I thought things were going to be all right. I really did.
Continue reading