The 54th Deadline: Poison

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“When something has festered within you for so long, is an antidote still possible?”

Despite all I have been personally through, no matter how far I have come, a certain “poison” still lingers in me. Its effects are day-by-day, but sometimes I am harshly reminded how much some of it has built up over the years.

This certain poison…

It’s comprised of various bad emotions and then some.

Anger.

Angst.

Fear.

Insecurity.

Basically, if it’s something a normal person wouldn’t want, especially in large doses, imagine all of that wrapped ever so tightly into a nasty mix of negative feelings. This particular mix gets buried deep within your very soul, and you can feel it in your heart. It festers, grows a little bit here and there and you want to pretend it doesn’t exist.

Maybe, just maybe, it will go away someday. Maybe, just maybe, it won’t ever bother you again. But then at some point, you end up like me. You realize you can’t get rid of it that easily, if at all.

It sucks. I don’t think anyone would want to experience this kind of poison. It plagues my everyday existence. I cannot simply forget because it is ongoing. On one hand, I wish I could magically cure myself. I realize who I am at this very moment in time stems from this poison acting as the initial catalyst.

And with this in mind, it is why I am reminded to fight against it as humanly possible. I don’t want this poison to define me, but its strength is undeniable. Many people, unfortunately, succumb to its effects.

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When everything is said and done, I don’t want to fall victim to it. It’s way too easy to do so. This poison clouds your judgment and makes you think irrationally. It turns your calm demeanor into a visible madness. It distorts your good vibes with something foul and unpleasant.

I feel like I have had to endure this kind of poison for so long. I am too frightened to tell others, even those closest to me and who have stuck by me through my worst moments, about it any further.

It’s all in your head, they would say.

It’s all in my head?

Or is it?

Or is it everywhere?

In my entire being…

Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Hidden Battles

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“To fight battles others cannot see every day is a soul-draining, taxing endeavor.”

Throughout the years, I have learned how I am my own worst enemy.

I am my own worst enemy because I continue to enable the negativity to keep popping back up in my life. I revert to inefficient cycles of moving forward a bit and then ending up back where I started. It’s a very back-and-forth dance I have grown accustomed to, but I want this particular waltz to end. Please!

Each day, with some sense of optimism, I tell myself that today is going to be the day. Today is going to be that one day I really make a breakthrough. But it was no different today. I shouldn’t be so impatient. When it happens, it happens. Until then, I can only hope for the best.

But in the meantime, there are lots of hidden battles. They are bouts with doubt. They stem from personal struggles of feeling worthless and being unable to realize my true potential as an individual.

I have been fighting these hidden battles for more than five years now. Even before I started this blog, I technically had a lot of depression building up. Those later years in college did a number on my well-being. I was too damaged after a certain point to realize how much repair I was due, at least if I wanted to patch up what was already in the process of shutting down.

If I could have done something back then, maybe now I wouldn’t feel so fragile. Maybe then I wouldn’t so unstable, always on the brink of undoing all of the positive progress I have made throughout this time.

Take this past evening as a prime example of what I mean. I was about to sit down and do something productive. I wanted to write sooner. I wanted to concentrate on just practicing some concepts.

What did I do instead? I napped. But not in the manner you think. I napped because I felt depressed.

I felt sad.

I felt like my energy and motivation got sapped away by life itself.

I just did not feel like doing anything.

So I slept.

And though one could argue that rest is important, taking this kind of nap when I wasn’t feeling weary just causes me to think I just wasted time more or less.

And sure, after waking up, I did feel better about things, even if only through temporary relief. But gosh… I really need to get my act together.  Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Chase

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“Certain days make me think I am in an ongoing chase without an end in sight.”

Having a goal to chase after is important. However, sometimes I feel like I am running on a perpetual treadmill that won’t stop. And this means I am nowhere close to reaching checkpoints that I should have reached by now.

But that’s the thing. In terms of progress, I am definitely making some strides. I obviously don’t think I have accomplished enough at this stage in the game, but I certainly have completed particular goals I had on the agenda throughout the past year.

Getting a job.

Getting a car.

Establishing a sense of independence.

All of this and more. Each of these, respectively, should be considered achievements for someone like me. A lot of these things may not appear that monumental at face value, but believe me – I am much better because I have this stuff to my name. By miles.

I think having goals to chase after is beneficial because it gives you that sense of direction. You aren’t just meandering through life and ending up at specific spots randomly. In a sense, to chase after the right goal at the right time drastically improves the odds things will turn out all right if not wonderful.

And then we start going into comparisons.

And when it comes to comparisons, we all can feel a bit envy or grateful, depending on the perspective and context.

A few years back, I found myself usually feeling jealous of others. I felt like a loser because I was not at point (x) when my (former) friends and peers were already many steps ahead. I grew bitter and insecure, gradually turning into an emotional mess.

To call me unstable would not have been an understatement. Feeling like I hit rock bottom, just the mere thought of it, weighed me down. I anchored myself, preventing any form of progress for so many years as a major consequence.  Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Emptiness

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It’s been clear to me that certain voids are preventing me from feeling whole as a person.

Life is wonderful, but it also has a lot of bad stuff to it.

Now mind you, I wonder if it’s the gloomy side in me talking, but lately I haven’t been able to feel “happy” as much as I should. Mood swings aside, I feel like I have fallen into another one of my various ruts. After going through this song and dance a few times before, am I more prepared to deal with it now?

I am a survivor by all means. I am a survivor in the sense that I endured, mustered up some semblance of courage in the face of personal defeat and kept going. No matter how rough it got, I had to hang in there.

Well, I just had to. It’s my only life to live. Still, it’s not like things just got any easier per se. I just got stronger. But even with extra strength to my name, I find myself feeling mighty weak, almost ineffective at times.

It disheartens me. It makes me think, “What’s the point?” on those particular challenging days. This last week has been making me feel crappy about it all, and I don’t want to sound like a Negative Nancy.

At the end of the day, I write on this blog to vent. It’s my necessary outlet. Otherwise, I would just end up bottling feelings I shouldn’t be bottling. I would let certain emotions fester into something toxic, something that ends up poisoning me until I will face literal health problems.

Loss of appetite.

Loss of interest.

Loss of energy.

Loss of feeling motivated to, well, enjoy life.

I have had all of this and more, and it feels like I am experiencing a “fun-sized” version of these symptoms. God forbid I get the full package at this rate.

With this in mind, I can’t help but feel… on my own so so speak. I feel like I need to talk to someone else about this, but it’s hard to get people to lend you their ears when it feels like just a gesture to them more than a therapeutic practice.

I get it.

I lost too many friends over this depression and whatnot. I know I was not Mr. Popular prior to all of this self-imploding, but dang… I valued what friends I had.

Having gone down that path before, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again. I should have gone to a professional for that kind of stuff. I needed to talk to someone whose job is to listen to the kind of problems I was dealing with back then.

I became too dependent on those phone calls, e-mails and Skype conversations about everything messing me up. I was too needy. I drove people away from me gradually over time.

And most of those friends are gone by now because of it. They have moved on with their lives. I find myself just struggling to keep myself intact, let alone position myself toward success.

Chances are, I have to admit, they don’t even remember me anymore. And that hurts. I am probably nothing more than a distant memory at this point.

Sigh, this just makes me think I need to re-evaluate everything I have, and see what’s helping or hurting my progress.

I need a change of pace. That’s a given.

I need something to clear up some of the chaos from within, and maybe then I can find some hope to salvage myself before I fall back into that abyss of misery and self-loathing.

0da55c52f8f0833ae256afae59b35c0dThere is only so much I can do as an individual. I am not Superman. I am only human, after all.

I know I have my flaws.

I realize I am difficult to work with for a variety of reasons.

But my goodness, I am a mess. And I know it.

I know I am falling victim to my own frustrations.

I am scared. I am scared that this is just another one of life’s tests that will make or break me.

It’s never easy. It’s never easy, huh?

At least, for me anyway. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Clues

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The 54th Deadline: Perhaps we leave behind clues with hope that someone finds them.


Lately, I have been feeling uneasy in more ways than one. At times, I think I am worrying about it too much, but part of me wonders if there is something more to my current feelings than I realize.

Even as I write this out, it’s hard for me to be completely, and I mean totally 100 percent, honest about it. There is a line I have to draw for my own privacy’s sake.

But with all of this put into careful consideration, I guess I should just let some aspects off of my chest before it keeps eating away at me.

In short, I think I am feeling weary. And by weary, I mean I have grown so utterly tired.

In mind. In body. In soul, as it appears.

The last time this happened was more than five years ago. After all, this blog received its genesis when I hit rock bottom and needed something to alleviate some of the pain. And thus, this blog was created to act as the buffer against all of the negativity coming toward my direction.

More than ever now, I think it’s time I evaluate what this all means.

It is all so complicated. Unfortunately, it’s extremely complicated that I don’t think I can figure this all out on my own, with perhaps anything short of professional help.

Call it a rut. Call it a phase.

I have been through this kind of stuff before, and it never gets any easier. I do end up, naturally, a bit wiser after each individual trial. However, every small victory seems borderline pitiful in the midst of the war that is fought from within in the name of mental health and my own sense of happiness.

At times, I do think I should be more personal with this blog. It’s not really about readership or anything like that. The main reason has always been about the outlet, but those who stop by are more than welcome to read what I write.

These blog posts are my clues, after all. My eclectic and often confusing clues.

Like a diary, these various blog posts are my thoughts on all kinds of topics. Sometimes, I just write about stuff I like. And then there is the other element to it when I need to write about the not-so-ideal-to-advertise kind this blog has plenty of in addition to the fun variety.

The latter, of course, is all but necessary for this blog to function the way I want it to, especially in terms of keeping me intact. One can only bottle it all up for so long before you inevitably explode in a volatile manner where you’re left just cleaning up the mess afterward. Yikes, I don’t want to go through that again.

The last time that happened, it took me a few years just to get back on the ground (somewhat) running, and it took me a few more years after that to pick up the pace.

Basically, I can’t afford to fall victim to my own undoing. History should not repeat itself if you truly learn your lesson, right?

But yeah, if this blog is my own kind of virtual diary, then it goes without saying that I should admit I have wanted SOMEBODY to swing by and grasp what I am trying to say.

And that has definitely happened. I don’t know a lot of people who stumble across this blog personally, but I sure do hope that my words have made some kind of positive impact.

I don’t want to be viewed as a victim. I don’t want to be viewed as a survivor. I don’t even want to be seen as some kind of martyr or anything like that.

I want to be labeled as any other person, any other human, who has been through some tough times here and there, and yet I continued to keep going forward.

You get knocked down here and there, but you need to get back up every single time regardless.

Perhaps, even if it’s just a reminder that we are all human, and that we all don’t magically coast through life. And it’s normal to fail sometimes as long as you keep trying to make things right.

And sure, life can and will get you down.  Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 113

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Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 113’s Topic: Easter.
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Hi everyone.

I hope you all had a great Easter. For me, well, I was feeling a bit blue to be honest for the whole day. It reached a point I am all too familiar with, where I feel really antisocial. Feeling like a shut-in like this, on Easter no less, sucks.

I would rather be with my friends and family. Instead, I found myself napping all day. Not exactly exhilarating by any means.

Even as I continue to advance forward in life, I find these uneventful days to be a reminder that I am not well. I am not quite there so to speak.
Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 110


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Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 110’s Topic: A roller coaster of emotions.
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Today was just one of those days where I had to experience the ill effects of my prominent mood swings.

I used to be very hush-hush about my mood swings, pretending they weren’t such a big deal. In reality, they affect me for better or for worse each day in some degree. There are no patterns to follow. There is no real way of me knowing what’s going to be felt emotionally for a given day. It’s all very random.

I can be happy one second, completely mad the next and something else in between just a mere moment afterward.

What a roller coaster of emotions.

In fact, these mood swings of mine create so many inconsistencies in my life. I wish I could be one thing, but I just can’t be. The ride is up and down, sideways with some loops thrown into the mix.

Perhaps I would be more content with life knowing that my own emotional track was something more simple and straightforward by design, but instead I must deal with something so absurdly random that it bothers the heck out of me to no end.

Sigh. Continue reading