The 54th Deadline: Tools

“I have been a fool to think I have been missing the necessary tools to make my dreams come true.”

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.

I have been spewing out more excuses than I can count over the years. Yeah, I have been through my share of tough spots. I have suffered. I have been legitimately pushed to various limits: physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have wanted to cry. I have wanted to hide.

I have been through so much, but I also got through somehow in some shape or form. Perhaps I was lucky, perhaps the universe did in fact throw me a bone or two along the way, but getting over a specific hump and trying to reach that elusive “next stage” has been on my mind.

It just makes me think that I am a fool. I am a fool because I think I have been missing a few tools to make the next jump possible, where building my future entailed so much extra effort and resources.

But here is the thing.

There have been very successful people who have done the impossible with less, so why am I complaining? Why am I trying to chalk up reasons as to why I am not achieving success?

Am I that cowardly? Am I that pathetic?

Yes. And another yes.

I have it all before me. I have everything around me. Every. Single. Thing.

I have every single that I would possibly need.

Now, it is just a matter of doing something with the tools. A great creation cannot be put together unless the creator makes it happen. Nothing can have an end without a beginning.

I have just been so stuck, so cowardly about making all of the good things occur. I talk a big game, but I have yet to pull the trigger with complete intent.

I need to stop being scared. I need to stop letting my life freeze up at every critical moment… Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: A Hundred Cards

“In a world full of negativity, we must instead choose to listen to positive messages.”

Well, better late than never.

I actually finished my note card project a few days back, but the blog post just got delayed for whatever reason. Yup, all 100 cards got jotted with some kind of random, positive-geared message.

I admit some were not as good as others, but the point is the messages were all about looking for the bright side. Below are 10 random ones I thought were decent and up.

Who knows? Maybe there will be a day where some of these messages can be in a fortune cookie or something. For now, I have all of the cards inside of a bag near my computer desk. I guess I want the reminder that I did something nice and easy, but they all made me feel better about life.
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The 54th Deadline: Delay

“Waiting forever for something wonderful to take place is quite frustrating and disheartening.”

Delays aplenty. This is my life in a nutshell. No matter how much footing I get during this journey, something always manages to halt my sense of progress. And even worse – if I regress in some fashion and start falling back toward a prior checkpoint.

This is a problem. This is a major problem, in fact.

I am trying to snap out of it. I want to get my life back on track and reach that next, ever elusive, stage. But lately, things just do not feel right for me. The dots are not quite connected. The passion seems to be waning.

It is like part of me is falling apart at the seams. I just do not feel like myself per se.

And that is the thing. The more I try to figure who I am as a person, the more I try to accept who I am for that matter, it all becomes a muddled mess. It is an up-and-down existence for me. There are highlights followed by plenty of moments at my worst. There are many inconsistent days due to a variety of reasons.

In particular, the more I psychologically accept that I am possibly bipolar, as much as part of me does not want to acknowledge it, the easier it has all become. In this sense, I am starting to think that I am definitely not quite “normal” in this regard.

And sure, we all would like to think we are special snowflakes in our own ways. We all would like to think we are unique and different from everyone else. But for me, I guess I wish being possibly bipolar was not a trait that defines and influences my everyday life so heavily.

Today, for instance, has been a “down” day. I have not felt the urge to be productive. I feel like I am wasting the day away, just going through the motions. I had to force myself to drive down to the store to get groceries so I can feed myself. This is a prime example of the extent in which my “down” days can be like.

It gets to the point where I just keep burning willpower just to do the simplest of tasks. Oh look. The garbage needs to be taken out. A few hours later have passed. I finally get around to taking it outside.

I fear that the more this keeps up, the worse everything will become. What do you do when you are losing control of your own life right before your eyes? What do you do? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Slip

“On especially grueling days, I feel as if I am slipping and falling back toward failure.”

I am slipping. And by slipping, I mean I am definitely messing up at the moment. It pains me to admit it, but random things in life have become neglected for whatever reason. As such, I feel that calling attention to some of these problems is necessary.

For instance, let’s talk about money for a second. I got my paycheck last week. I still have not cashed it yet. It is just an errand to me that I know I need to do. And sure, I do not need the money immediately per se, but failing to cash the check as soon as possible to get it out of the way is irresponsible and overly lazy.

But this is just one random case of my neglect. My cat needs to get her shots for rabies soon. She has until the end of the month. I had a whole week to schedule a proper appointment for her, and instead I waited until the last minute. I ended up needing to move the schedule next week.

In this particular case, it is not like my cat is in any harm. She does still have until the end of the month to get her shots. But as an owner, I should be more diligent and on top of things like this for my cat’s well-being.

In just two of these random examples, both of these reflect how “out of it” I have become. This certainly frightens me to no end. Something is terribly wrong with me for me to slip up like this. Something horribly, horribly wrong.

I should not be so hard on myself for such things, but I have to be. I do not really have anyone else at the moment who can fulfill that role of strict supervisor, always looking over my shoulder and nagging me to do this and that. It is all me.

But that is the thing. I have been doing such an awful job in so many ways. I disgust myself. I would scold myself for being so darn unproductive. I have been a mess. I have been feeling… “drained,” for lack of a better term.

Drained of what?


Those dreams necessary to keep the hunger alive?


Who knows?!

All I really can say is, with complete dismay, that I am imploding from within, and I definitely need some damage control before things get out of hand.
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The 54th Deadline: Rework

“Change is a necessary evil, but the good part about it means something different can occur.”

Not feeling the best right now, so I am going to let some steam off in this blog post to see if it helps. Anyway, I am thinking about taking this blog through another “rework” phase. I have been doing a similar style of blogging for a long while, but I wonder if it is time just to mix things up for the mere sake of it.

The more I go through my past blog posts, the more I wonder what kind of impression I am leaving behind, at least in regards to how I want others to perceive me.

It has been five/six years now, and though some things have gotten better and all… I am still a mess in many ways. I just feel like an incomplete dish still waiting in the pan, and I just need a few more ingredients to complete the whole process before I am ready to serve.

But that is the thing about it all. It just feels like I have been sitting there, lying in wait for so long and I just wonder if anything is going to come by to make me into a finished product. Ultimately, I have concluded that I can’t rely on outside forces to make it happen.

Again, the world doesn’t owe me a favor, and nor should I expect it to do so magically. The less I think of myself as someone who is entitled to such things… Well, to be blunt, the better it is for me. I can’t keep banking on something to fall into my lap. In reality, I should approach it from the other angle. I need to be more proactive and head toward the stuff I want to reach, even if it is difficult and discouraging to do so.

Even as far as blogging goes, I guess part of this blog comes off as really childish in its own ways. I have enjoyed just plugging in the anime pictures as filler and stuff, but I wonder if I really need them there. They are just there to break up the text, but I really do desire to make this blog… more “professional” at some point?

I guess, in other words, I want this blog to mature as I should have matured as time went on, but I obviously have not grown up if I have technically regressed in this category. To say that I have regressed is quite accurate in many ways.

We all go through life at different paces, and I think I have certainly hit a wall at some point and then inadvertently backtracked when I should have kept going. I made excuses about it back then, but I can’t keep cycling through the same crap again and again ad nauseum. I hate feeling like I am repeating myself, but deep down I am aware I am caught up in my own drama.
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The 54th Deadline: Poison


“When something has festered within you for so long, is an antidote still possible?”

Despite all I have been personally through, no matter how far I have come, a certain “poison” still lingers in me. Its effects are day-by-day, but sometimes I am harshly reminded how much some of it has built up over the years.

This certain poison…

It’s comprised of various bad emotions and then some.





Basically, if it’s something a normal person wouldn’t want, especially in large doses, imagine all of that wrapped ever so tightly into a nasty mix of negative feelings. This particular mix gets buried deep within your very soul, and you can feel it in your heart. It festers, grows a little bit here and there and you want to pretend it doesn’t exist.

Maybe, just maybe, it will go away someday. Maybe, just maybe, it won’t ever bother you again. But then at some point, you end up like me. You realize you can’t get rid of it that easily, if at all.

It sucks. I don’t think anyone would want to experience this kind of poison. It plagues my everyday existence. I cannot simply forget because it is ongoing. On one hand, I wish I could magically cure myself. I realize who I am at this very moment in time stems from this poison acting as the initial catalyst.

And with this in mind, it is why I am reminded to fight against it as humanly possible. I don’t want this poison to define me, but its strength is undeniable. Many people, unfortunately, succumb to its effects.


When everything is said and done, I don’t want to fall victim to it. It’s way too easy to do so. This poison clouds your judgment and makes you think irrationally. It turns your calm demeanor into a visible madness. It distorts your good vibes with something foul and unpleasant.

I feel like I have had to endure this kind of poison for so long. I am too frightened to tell others, even those closest to me and who have stuck by me through my worst moments, about it any further.

It’s all in your head, they would say.

It’s all in my head?

Or is it?

Or is it everywhere?

In my entire being…

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The 54th Deadline: Unfinished Products


The 54th Deadline: Something never becomes anything unless it has a beginning and end.

Lately, I have been realizing I have a peculiar problem I need to fix – I don’t finish what I start as much as I would like.

It’s all been too apparent for me.

For example, I had a smoke detector in my room that was beeping because the battery was dying. I went to the store and bought a new battery. It took me a week or so to replace the dead battery so I could have a functioning smoke detector again, even though I had it all right in front of me.

It’s such a random thing. Literally, getting the smoke detector all set up took less than 30 seconds when I finally just finished the task. It wasn’t hard or anything like that. I just put it off. Still, it was a week of procrastinating before I finally got it done. And thank goodness a fire did not break out in my place during that whole week.

The whole point is, this kind of procrastination is not uncommon or anything. It’s in the same vein when you’re a student and you have assignments you need to finish.

You keep putting things off, you keep telling yourself you will do this at this point, then you keep setting it aside and then it’s been a long time before you realize you should just have it all done already.

Procrastination is just a natural occurrence. It just creeps up at the worst times.

Now, more importantly, when you consider this procrastination for other projects I have had in the works for a long while, it’s just been apparent how counterproductive I have been with my time.

And I realize I have had a lot of life-altering situations that would of course affect how much time and effort I could invest toward a given project.

After all, survival comes first. But regardless, I don’t want to survive all of the time. I want to thrive. And in a big way.
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