Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.
Day 40’s Topic: Regret.
It takes a lot of guts to admit something about myself, at least in regards to how I have been for at least four of the past five years.
I have been weak. Outright weak as a person. Weak in terms of willpower. Weak in terms of mental toughness.
Just absurdly weak.
But with that said, I have grown stronger these days, or at least stronger in the sense that I can stand on my own two feet with less help. However, I am still not 100 percent independent quite yet.
A long time ago, in the midst of the worst symptoms of my depression, my weaknesses as a person became evident. What I sought after the most was just comfort, a human voice to calm me down and assure me that everything was A-OK, even though inside my mind I wasn’t quite sure what to believe.
And so, I made a lot of phone calls at my worst.
And I am talking about calls that could last for an hour or longer. These weren’t over in five minutes or anything. These were chunks of time out of someone’s schedule just to hear me blab and cry about my problems.
I regret being so needy. I was certainly a major inconvenience in some respects. I wish I could call up every single person I talked to and apologize, but I don’t think they would want to hear my apologies anyway. They had their fill.
You see, and this is me being honest, it’s not like I wanted to turn my once-called friends into my personal therapists. I had no intention of that. I was a confused, depressed mess. I wanted answers, but perhaps a part of my mind didn’t want to hear what my friends had to say and process it properly.
And so, I called and called around, exhausting the numbers on my phone.
Don’t get me wrong. I appreciated the talks with my friends at the time. There were lots of pep talks, lots of “It’s only a phase. You’ll get over it!” kind of discussions and whatnot. I guess above all else, and this is me being frank, I think I just appreciated that these people were willing to listen to me for so long. Continue reading