The 54th Deadline: Tools

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“I have been a fool to think I have been missing the necessary tools to make my dreams come true.”

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.

I have been spewing out more excuses than I can count over the years. Yeah, I have been through my share of tough spots. I have suffered. I have been legitimately pushed to various limits: physically, mentally and emotionally.

I have wanted to cry. I have wanted to hide.

I have been through so much, but I also got through somehow in some shape or form. Perhaps I was lucky, perhaps the universe did in fact throw me a bone or two along the way, but getting over a specific hump and trying to reach that elusive “next stage” has been on my mind.

It just makes me think that I am a fool. I am a fool because I think I have been missing a few tools to make the next jump possible, where building my future entailed so much extra effort and resources.

But here is the thing.

There have been very successful people who have done the impossible with less, so why am I complaining? Why am I trying to chalk up reasons as to why I am not achieving success?

Am I that cowardly? Am I that pathetic?

Yes. And another yes.

I have it all before me. I have everything around me. Every. Single. Thing.

I have every single that I would possibly need.

Now, it is just a matter of doing something with the tools. A great creation cannot be put together unless the creator makes it happen. Nothing can have an end without a beginning.

I have just been so stuck, so cowardly about making all of the good things occur. I talk a big game, but I have yet to pull the trigger with complete intent.

I need to stop being scared. I need to stop letting my life freeze up at every critical moment… Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: A Hundred Cards

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“In a world full of negativity, we must instead choose to listen to positive messages.”

Well, better late than never.

I actually finished my note card project a few days back, but the blog post just got delayed for whatever reason. Yup, all 100 cards got jotted with some kind of random, positive-geared message.

I admit some were not as good as others, but the point is the messages were all about looking for the bright side. Below are 10 random ones I thought were decent and up.


Who knows? Maybe there will be a day where some of these messages can be in a fortune cookie or something. For now, I have all of the cards inside of a bag near my computer desk. I guess I want the reminder that I did something nice and easy, but they all made me feel better about life.
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The 54th Deadline: Hope

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“The worst days make me wonder why I keep going. And then, I remember that I believe in hope.”

As you can see, I decided to change the tagline again.

“Hope is my catalyst.”

The previous “Progress is perseverance” tagline was good for me as well. But lately, I just feel like I have been regressing again. I just think I am caught in another slump. It is a weaker slump, but it is a slump nonetheless.

I just feel very out of it. I feel even more unmotivated than ever before, but I keep trying. I am just at a strange spot in my life.

I am aware so much has to be done. I have a lot of dreams and goals, but something just got sapped out of me. It is a drained feeling. I am definitely losing it… At this rate, anyway.
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The 54th Deadline: Facade

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“Life has to continue regardless, but we all must put up a front that things are OK on the surface.”

Do you remember those moments when you were a kid in gym class, you get hurt a little bit and needed a timeout before joining your classmates for the rest of the activity? Lately, I have been feeling like I need a breather of sorts, but one that is a bit longer than usual. Emotionally, I feel drained and unmotivated. I am at my wit’s end just trying to get through the day, but at the same time I need to for my own sake.

I still need to work, I still need to take care of myself (though I admit I need to do a better job at this) and I need to keep looking ahead at what needs to be done. However, I feel like I am faltering. I feel like I am definitely falling apart at the seams. The more I try to rationalize what is going wrong, the more I try to pinpoint what exactly is causing me to feel so useless, so inefficient and just so undervalued…

It all stings. Like, it really does hit me where it hurts. I glance at this blog when I get home and am annoyed at myself for neglecting it. And this bad habit is starting to become apparently worse as time goes on, and I am just totally irked by it all.

Individually, this is just one aspect of my crumbling life. Collectively, I am somewhat intact, but there are cracks. These small chips here and there will add up, and eventually it will all shatter at this rate unless I mend the random problems and get my act together.

And it just feels like I have to pretend. I hate putting up this facade that I am OK, when in reality I am not. I am not doing that well on a lot of fronts. I am not getting it. To be honest, sometimes I really just want to hide somewhere in my place, just bury myself underneath the sheets and pretend things did not have to matter so much to me.

Alas, they do matter. Otherwise, I would not bother subjecting myself to this cycle of highs and lows again and again. No sane person would do this willingly. Perhaps I am not sane? Or maybe I am?

Who knows…

No matter what the technicality is, I am just becoming a bigger mess as time goes on. I am getting sloppy. I am just losing it in more ways than one.
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The 54th Deadline: Guide

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“I definitely need a guide of some sort to lead me on the right path for life’s complex journey.” 

I am not an impulsive person. I do not rely on my instincts much, if at all. So by all means, I am someone who does better with structure. I prefer it when someone maps out x thing for me and that is the objective or destination that I need to get to. It is something quantifiable, identifiable and just something that aids me from wandering around too much.

Without structure, I am just a mess. I become a disorganized, walking disaster of inefficiency and lost thoughts. If there could be something negative to be said about me, it would be that I lack a lot of initial gumption to my name without a big push from another source.

It is not a matter of me not being able to do certain things per se. My capabilities as a person, with all due respect, vary in all kinds of degrees. Quite frankly, I know I do not push myself hard enough to realize my own potential.

After all, cooking was something that started as a random interest and gradually developed into something I found passion in, though having something important save my life proved to be a major motivator.

I was a scrub at cooking, and now I consider myself at least somewhat competent.

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When I really apply every technique or nugget of information I have learned about cooking into action…
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The 54th Deadline: Delay

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“Waiting forever for something wonderful to take place is quite frustrating and disheartening.”

Delays aplenty. This is my life in a nutshell. No matter how much footing I get during this journey, something always manages to halt my sense of progress. And even worse – if I regress in some fashion and start falling back toward a prior checkpoint.

This is a problem. This is a major problem, in fact.

I am trying to snap out of it. I want to get my life back on track and reach that next, ever elusive, stage. But lately, things just do not feel right for me. The dots are not quite connected. The passion seems to be waning.

It is like part of me is falling apart at the seams. I just do not feel like myself per se.

And that is the thing. The more I try to figure who I am as a person, the more I try to accept who I am for that matter, it all becomes a muddled mess. It is an up-and-down existence for me. There are highlights followed by plenty of moments at my worst. There are many inconsistent days due to a variety of reasons.

In particular, the more I psychologically accept that I am possibly bipolar, as much as part of me does not want to acknowledge it, the easier it has all become. In this sense, I am starting to think that I am definitely not quite “normal” in this regard.

And sure, we all would like to think we are special snowflakes in our own ways. We all would like to think we are unique and different from everyone else. But for me, I guess I wish being possibly bipolar was not a trait that defines and influences my everyday life so heavily.

Today, for instance, has been a “down” day. I have not felt the urge to be productive. I feel like I am wasting the day away, just going through the motions. I had to force myself to drive down to the store to get groceries so I can feed myself. This is a prime example of the extent in which my “down” days can be like.

It gets to the point where I just keep burning willpower just to do the simplest of tasks. Oh look. The garbage needs to be taken out. A few hours later have passed. I finally get around to taking it outside.

I fear that the more this keeps up, the worse everything will become. What do you do when you are losing control of your own life right before your eyes? What do you do? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Slip

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“On especially grueling days, I feel as if I am slipping and falling back toward failure.”

I am slipping. And by slipping, I mean I am definitely messing up at the moment. It pains me to admit it, but random things in life have become neglected for whatever reason. As such, I feel that calling attention to some of these problems is necessary.

For instance, let’s talk about money for a second. I got my paycheck last week. I still have not cashed it yet. It is just an errand to me that I know I need to do. And sure, I do not need the money immediately per se, but failing to cash the check as soon as possible to get it out of the way is irresponsible and overly lazy.

But this is just one random case of my neglect. My cat needs to get her shots for rabies soon. She has until the end of the month. I had a whole week to schedule a proper appointment for her, and instead I waited until the last minute. I ended up needing to move the schedule next week.

In this particular case, it is not like my cat is in any harm. She does still have until the end of the month to get her shots. But as an owner, I should be more diligent and on top of things like this for my cat’s well-being.

In just two of these random examples, both of these reflect how “out of it” I have become. This certainly frightens me to no end. Something is terribly wrong with me for me to slip up like this. Something horribly, horribly wrong.

I should not be so hard on myself for such things, but I have to be. I do not really have anyone else at the moment who can fulfill that role of strict supervisor, always looking over my shoulder and nagging me to do this and that. It is all me.

But that is the thing. I have been doing such an awful job in so many ways. I disgust myself. I would scold myself for being so darn unproductive. I have been a mess. I have been feeling… “drained,” for lack of a better term.

Drained of what?

Motivation?

Those dreams necessary to keep the hunger alive?

Self-respect?

Who knows?!

All I really can say is, with complete dismay, that I am imploding from within, and I definitely need some damage control before things get out of hand.
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