The 54th Deadline: Method

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“The method in which we approach something is vital for the final result.”

A particular quote has been on my mind as of late…

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Sadly, this quote is quite applicable to me in a variety of ways.

I am very stubborn when it comes to change. Old habits die hard for me. I am not someone who can change his ways with ease. I delay the change. I think about it. I mull over every aspect of it.

Gradually, if I am lucky, some sort of shift will be made. And then, and only then, will something stick. But it’s going to take a long while. I don’t shift gears for the task at hand. It’s more like I take my sweet time to take the gears out and then put in a whole set of parts to replace them.

Unfortunately, this accounts for why my healing process over the years has been taking forever. Back then, I knew I had to alter some elements with my lifestyle to get the recovery process off the ground.

I needed to get the ball rolling with better actions instead of waiting for something to happen to me. I basically should have been way more proactive. Being reactive when you are in a pinch is setting yourself up for failure.

What was my main problem back then? I needed a job. Any job.

What did I do instead? I chased blindly after pipe dreams. I narrowed my sights on something far away, with no real way of ensuring I would ever get to that point. I deluded myself when I should have focused on what was unraveling before my eyes.

Well, I was unraveling. I became an empty and soulless husk. I lost a lot of things like people I considered friends and whatnot. The world around me was continuing, but I was getting “trapped” in my own bubble.

What was the result? I tried to cope to ease some of the guilt. I just attempted to fill the void with random shows and video games. I was not remedying the situation at all.

And why? It was because of my method.

My c0ba36255aacc30bf9cc9a75ba0c4e03method was all wrong. My entire approach was just flawed. No way was it going to improve my life, let alone salvage me from all kinds of personal despair.

As opposed to parking my butt in that particular chair near my mattress to stare at my laptop on the old sewing machine spot, there were literally countless alternatives.

I could have picked up working out, you know… I could have gone to the gym to get physically stronger or whatever.

I could have explored different avenues.

I could have learned to play music.

I could have volunteered at an animal shelter. Anywhere.

Lots of people deviate to reach their dream jobs, so why didn’t I think outside of the box as well? Actually, no… That’s not entirely true. I did think outside of the box, but I put too many eggs in one basket…

Still, I should have been smarter about the whole thing. I was unemployed, barely able to take care of myself and I did not even know how to cook at this stage as a young adult. The horror! The shame!

I could have done something more productive in the meantime at the very least. Every day more or less, for more than a year and a half, I kept waking up to look at that computer screen.

I played so many hours of video games. I watched so many episodes of anime. I watched so many movies. What did it get me?

Hours and hours would pass, and I was gazing at that computer screen being a jobless loser. Other than that, I was either sleeping or eating. I rarely left the house. I spent most of the time in the basement, being too ashamed and wary of letting others see me. It got that bad. It was a pathetic cycle. A truly low point in my existence. I want to blur it out of my mind!

A lot of wasted time. That’s for sure.

Sure, I sent out resumes and cover letters. I legitimately applied to so many places. The job market really did suck for most people five years ago. This was not some conspiracy or a convoluted excuse. The economy was in the pits.

I was just one of many victims to the horrible economy. Regardless, I could have done more to fight against the adversity. I could have done more to get myself out of a tough spot.

I tried to escape my real troubles with all of those computer things by numbing my mind to the mess I had around me. I was too prideful as a college graduate to declare I was failing, mainly because I really did believe the universe would give me my fair shake in the job market at some point.

However, running out of money and slowly being drained of one’s spirit as a person… It takes its toll. That toll would mean I essentially lost a bunch of years out of my life that I never will get back.

And this was all because my method was crappy. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Tagline Transition

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There comes a point where life forces you to transition toward the next stage. What matters now is for me to figure out what that next stage entails.

“Complete the process.”

This will be the next tagline I will use for this blog and other things.

Lately, I have been racking my brain over what few words I want to define myself with, and “Remember the name” was not quite fitting for my current situation and then some.

I am not a finished product yet. I am incomplete. But to be unfinished is not a bad thing. As long as I keep moving forward, as long as I keep putting the pieces together, the process will see its completion at some point.

It’s an inevitable conclusion to everything. It just takes time. And waiting for so long can stir up some feelings of impatience. Rightfully so, I realize I seemingly flip-flop between progress and setbacks. It is by far a frustrating crawl toward where I want to be.

I make a few steps forward, and then something either delays or pushes me back to the previous checkpoint. However, this is where resilience comes into play. This is where a sense of tenacity becomes that more important.

This tagline of “Complete the process” isn’t something revolutionary or anything of the sort, but I wanted words to live by as I sift through the positives and negatives in my life at this very moment.

On one hand, I am grateful that I am alive, living independently and able to have some semblance of hope about what I want to undertake next. Conversely, though, I am constantly struggling with myself to muster up the necessary gumption to break through to the next stage.

It is not that I lack willpower or anything like that. You just have to play the cards you’re dealt with, and sometimes you lack an ideal hand to win at a given moment. So what do you do? Win or lose, you keep playing. You just have to keep playing. It’s an odds thing. You play a large quantity of games until something favorable happens. It’s just gambling. And by the way, I suck at gambling.

Perhaps you can attribute to how I am someone who does not take many risks by default, and so I often opt for the safer route, as you will. Regardless, I think being cautious and wary of screwing up keeps me honest. Otherwise, I could have been in real hot water by now.

I am not in a position where I can make a great leap of faith and possibly reach my next destination in life ahead of schedule. No shortcuts here. That’s for sure.

Instead, I just think I am going to keep doing this step-by-step, usually grueling, journey. It will take awhile, folks. But I am willing to see what is waiting for me in the end.

Heck, I am able to do this because life threw me a bone many years ago when I was down in the dumps.

This is why I believe in life’s second (and countless other) chances. It’s why I call this blog series The 54th Deadline. I believe I definitely embody the notion that life will give you more opportunities to get it right. To those of you who think it’s always a one-and-done deal, think again.
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The 54th Deadline: Transitions

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The 54th Deadline: Change is inevitable. I can accept this fact now with complete readiness.


This is a peculiar thing to admit on so many levels, but I have accepted I am abnormally a late bloomer in many regards. Certain feelings and elements about myself, over the years, were essentially still in development. Or so to speak.

My naive self before I graduated school thought I could remain the way I was: immature, overly shy, socially awkward and so forth. I legitimately thought things would work out in the end.

They didn’t. Not at all.

And that’s why I fell apart at the seams. That’s why I spent a good year and a half just trying to hang in there. I was completely and utterly destroyed from within, and my only real choices were to let myself self-destruct even further or do something positive to get myself back in order.

Obviously, I opted for the latter. It was really hard at first. It was one of the most challenging ordeals I had ever put myself through, but it was all necessary. Going back to the late bloomer thing, I guess you could say I somehow reverted back even more, maturity-wise, as a person.

Essentially, I regressed mentally in a lot of ways. I was no longer that young adult in his early 20s anymore. I felt like an overgrown kid whose physical age said more than 20, but in my mind it was like probably being a 16-year-old teenager again. It sure felt like I was someone in high school again who didn’t have a clue about the “real world” yet.

These days, I have a lot to think about in regards to what has happened and how I am going to bounce back in the long term. There are many aspects about myself that elude me, yet I am extremely aware of one thing: I’m changing.

I am changing in so many ways. I am going through so many inner transitions that I can’t even keep up with them all. Heck, even as I type this blog post out, I can feel that I am an entirely different person.

Years ago, I could write this whole blog post out and “feel” out the words I am typing out on my keyboard, but I can’t quite do that anymore. Not in the same manner. I once was able to tell if a word was spelled right or wrong based simply on typing it out.

Nope. That “power” isn’t here to this day. Let’s just say I find myself double-checking my spelling a lot more than usual. The prior me, the one in college anyway, was capable of that all-star editor stuff. Not this current me.

But you know what?
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The 54th Deadline: Thoughts

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The 54th Deadline: There are always more chances than you realize to overcome challenges.


Lately, I have had various thoughts circulating.

As you can see, I am currently in the process of (once again) restructuring the look of this blog. At times, I wonder if I am just too unfocused to have a cohesive design and layout. I feel like I am just such a mess in this regard.

For now, I will keep this blog template in place, tweak a few things here and there probably and then finally decide on how this blog should look when I get my head on straight.

On one hand, I feel like I should just have this blog be about Dota 2, as I do play the game a lot. Well, it’s the game I try to play when I find time, but money needs to be made. And for money to be made, I need to spend more time working than I can invest in just playing.

But I suppose this is the better alternative than just sitting around all day, being unemployed and just letting time pass by me looking at a computer screen without anything really being achieved. Trust me. I have been down this path before. It isn’t pretty. Nope. It’s an extremely ugly, unappealing existence.

On the other hand, I do want to talk more about my dreaded “depression” topic. After all, and I say this a lot, so please bear with me. Without suffering the worst of the depression symptoms years ago, this blog wouldn’t exist. Heck, I wouldn’t have invested so much effort into this blog if I was truly that sad and miserable about my life at that point.

Nonetheless, I am glad I have this blog to my name. It’s special to me. Truly, truly special to me. I just think I have been too much of a spaz when it comes to blogging as consistently as I once did even half a year ago. Yet, and I say this with complete honesty, it had to be done.

I was losing control, as well as interest, of what was important to me. This blog used to be very high on my priority list to maintain. I felt obligated to churn out some kind of post to anyone willing to read my various thoughts and ramblings.

And I realize that sometimes a lot of things I write about don’t really appeal to a lot of people. There was a phase in this blog’s existence where I spoke heavily about anime and other random topics. Of course, times have changed.

At the moment, I can say I am not as into certain things as I once was. It’s sad, really. I thought I would never outgrow certain things, but I guess we all do end up changing in some shape or form as we get older.

Don’t get me wrong. I find myself occasionally watching an anime episode here and there, but it’s so seldom that I don’t even count it as anything meaningful. I used to binge-watch shows for hours on end, but it’s been a long while since I have done that with the same kind of geeky zeal that kept me glued to my seat, just staring at the screen without any regard to everything else around me.

But that was then. This is now.

Thoughts. So many thoughts. So many different ones that I don’t know what to follow, let alone believe in as my driving force. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Stalled Countdown

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
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As I write this, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I can’t quite seem to let it all out.

It’s one particularly odd thing about my personal “depression” from the get-go – I haven’t been really able to cry. I feel like I have kept a lot of inner turmoil inside, and it has just been building up and building up, but it just can’t seem to find its way out of my system.

It’s wimpy to admit it, but I guess deep down I want to bawl my eyes out. I really force myself, but it’s not working. And hence, I believe a lot of my hopes and dreams have stalled this countdown in life. I know the launch has been on hold for so long.

I should have blasted off toward “greatness” by now, but something keeps finding its way into my life to delay it even further. Am I making excuses? Am I being irrational?

JUST WHAT IS IT? What’s wrong? Why can’t I just get a clear answer from the universe?

I make so many small strides, but I never can’t go the complete distance to reach that next threshold. It’s always some kind of forward progress, but how much more forward progress do I need to get through?

Perhaps at this point, I feel exhausted and impatient with it all. After all, it’s been five years and counting. Fives years of ups and downs. Five years mixed with misery and happiness.

Sigh, depression is a real drag to overcome, don’t you think? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Remember the Name

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
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Once again, I have been faced with another crossroad in my life to determine my next path in this complex and unforgiving journey. This one’s a doozy, to boot.

I haven’t felt quite “right” for a while now. It’s hard to explain without sounding pessimistic, mopey or whatever you want to call it. Basically, I don’t feel like myself.

Certain things don’t appeal to me as much anymore. Certain activities aren’t as fun. Certain interests seem less exciting.

Whether it’s watching anime or playing video games, I just feel like a part of me is out of place from within my very soul. It’s disheartening, for sure, when you feel a bit broken from the inside out. As if a gear is out of place, I seemingly can move on with my day-to-day operations, but something isn’t making me feel, well, happy so to speak.

It sucks. It just really sucks because I want to enjoy life. I want to feel content about my situation. I want to feel like I am making some actual progress toward where I need to be. At the same time, I would be lying to myself if I wasn’t honest upfront about my emotional state.

I wish it were something more obvious. For instance, let’s say I got into an accident and couldn’t walk anymore. Let’s say I would need a wheelchair to get around for the rest of my days. That would be something I could understand at face value. There wouldn’t be anything hidden or mysterious. I would just be handicapped and unable to walk.

But for this particular, and quite ambiguous I have to add, personal problem from within, I just can’t label what it is and be done with it. I just don’t really know what it is, and I am just uncertain if I will ever figure it out soon.

Could it be another bout with depression?

Is it something along this line?

Could it be pent-up rage? Sadness?

I really wish I knew, but this is why I feel prompted to change some elements of what I am all about, at least for the time being.

“Get good. Be better.”

It was a really simple message. You get good at something, then you strive to be better.

And for me, this entailed a lot of random facets. I wanted to get good at cooking for instance, and of course I wanted to elevate my skills toward super chef status.

For a long while, this has been this blog’s motto. However, I felt like I needed to change it to, “Remember the name.”
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The 54th Deadline: Traces of Joy

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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Over the years, there was one thing I really wanted amid my depression-riddled days as a discouraged individual: independence.

Yup, independence.

Of all things, independence was something I didn’t have to my name. Heck, just even the sense of dignity was hard to come by without independence.

My lack of independence derived from needing to live with my parents after college graduation. That time really put a damper on my confidence. I felt incapable of getting any sort of job to support myself, let alone earn money to put into my bank account.

I lacked motivation. I lacked energy. I ate wrong. I slept too much. Everything accumulated in a bad way over time, so I felt my ability of taking care of myself fade away for quite awhile.

Obviously, we all have to leave the nest at some point. Mom and dad aren’t going to be around forever, and there’s a point where someone like me needed to grow up and be a bonafide adult for once in his life. Alas, it took many years before I was able to achieve some semblance of independence.

Piece-by-piece, I had to rediscover new passions to steer me toward different directions in life.

Fast-forward to now, and I guess you could say I have a lot more independence than I know what to do with in so many ways. Sure, I lack a lot of random necessities such as a vehicle to drive around town in, but the basic framework of independence is there.

I wake up at responsible hours, go to work, buy my own groceries and so forth.anime-girl-shopping-for-christmas-tree-smile-aki-eda

In lots of ways, I am grateful. I am happier because I can take care of myself in some fashion.

For instance, take today as an example.

Because it has been so dang hot at the start of this summer, I have been really needing some kind of reasonable way to stay cool.

Trust me. It gets really hot in the town I am living in, and just having some fans lying around wasn’t doing enough. I had three fans blowing at one point, and they all did zilch when the only thing happening was a constant circulation of hot air in a closed-off area.

So instead of suffering and literally sweating the summer heat, I made a big decision.

It was a big expense, but I had to buy an air conditioner. Because the space I live in lacks proper windows to use a regular air conditioner you attach on the outside, I had to get an inside variation that has the air vented outside like so.

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