“Waiting forever for something wonderful to take place is quite frustrating and disheartening.”
Delays aplenty. This is my life in a nutshell. No matter how much footing I get during this journey, something always manages to halt my sense of progress. And even worse – if I regress in some fashion and start falling back toward a prior checkpoint.
This is a problem. This is a major problem, in fact.
I am trying to snap out of it. I want to get my life back on track and reach that next, ever elusive, stage. But lately, things just do not feel right for me. The dots are not quite connected. The passion seems to be waning.
It is like part of me is falling apart at the seams. I just do not feel like myself per se.
And that is the thing. The more I try to figure who I am as a person, the more I try to accept who I am for that matter, it all becomes a muddled mess. It is an up-and-down existence for me. There are highlights followed by plenty of moments at my worst. There are many inconsistent days due to a variety of reasons.
In particular, the more I psychologically accept that I am possibly bipolar, as much as part of me does not want to acknowledge it, the easier it has all become. In this sense, I am starting to think that I am definitely not quite “normal” in this regard.
And sure, we all would like to think we are special snowflakes in our own ways. We all would like to think we are unique and different from everyone else. But for me, I guess I wish being possibly bipolar was not a trait that defines and influences my everyday life so heavily.
Today, for instance, has been a “down” day. I have not felt the urge to be productive. I feel like I am wasting the day away, just going through the motions. I had to force myself to drive down to the store to get groceries so I can feed myself. This is a prime example of the extent in which my “down” days can be like.
It gets to the point where I just keep burning willpower just to do the simplest of tasks. Oh look. The garbage needs to be taken out. A few hours later have passed. I finally get around to taking it outside.
I fear that the more this keeps up, the worse everything will become. What do you do when you are losing control of your own life right before your eyes? What do you do? Continue reading