The 54th Deadline: Delay

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“Waiting forever for something wonderful to take place is quite frustrating and disheartening.”

Delays aplenty. This is my life in a nutshell. No matter how much footing I get during this journey, something always manages to halt my sense of progress. And even worse – if I regress in some fashion and start falling back toward a prior checkpoint.

This is a problem. This is a major problem, in fact.

I am trying to snap out of it. I want to get my life back on track and reach that next, ever elusive, stage. But lately, things just do not feel right for me. The dots are not quite connected. The passion seems to be waning.

It is like part of me is falling apart at the seams. I just do not feel like myself per se.

And that is the thing. The more I try to figure who I am as a person, the more I try to accept who I am for that matter, it all becomes a muddled mess. It is an up-and-down existence for me. There are highlights followed by plenty of moments at my worst. There are many inconsistent days due to a variety of reasons.

In particular, the more I psychologically accept that I am possibly bipolar, as much as part of me does not want to acknowledge it, the easier it has all become. In this sense, I am starting to think that I am definitely not quite “normal” in this regard.

And sure, we all would like to think we are special snowflakes in our own ways. We all would like to think we are unique and different from everyone else. But for me, I guess I wish being possibly bipolar was not a trait that defines and influences my everyday life so heavily.

Today, for instance, has been a “down” day. I have not felt the urge to be productive. I feel like I am wasting the day away, just going through the motions. I had to force myself to drive down to the store to get groceries so I can feed myself. This is a prime example of the extent in which my “down” days can be like.

It gets to the point where I just keep burning willpower just to do the simplest of tasks. Oh look. The garbage needs to be taken out. A few hours later have passed. I finally get around to taking it outside.

I fear that the more this keeps up, the worse everything will become. What do you do when you are losing control of your own life right before your eyes? What do you do? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Slip

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“On especially grueling days, I feel as if I am slipping and falling back toward failure.”

I am slipping. And by slipping, I mean I am definitely messing up at the moment. It pains me to admit it, but random things in life have become neglected for whatever reason. As such, I feel that calling attention to some of these problems is necessary.

For instance, let’s talk about money for a second. I got my paycheck last week. I still have not cashed it yet. It is just an errand to me that I know I need to do. And sure, I do not need the money immediately per se, but failing to cash the check as soon as possible to get it out of the way is irresponsible and overly lazy.

But this is just one random case of my neglect. My cat needs to get her shots for rabies soon. She has until the end of the month. I had a whole week to schedule a proper appointment for her, and instead I waited until the last minute. I ended up needing to move the schedule next week.

In this particular case, it is not like my cat is in any harm. She does still have until the end of the month to get her shots. But as an owner, I should be more diligent and on top of things like this for my cat’s well-being.

In just two of these random examples, both of these reflect how “out of it” I have become. This certainly frightens me to no end. Something is terribly wrong with me for me to slip up like this. Something horribly, horribly wrong.

I should not be so hard on myself for such things, but I have to be. I do not really have anyone else at the moment who can fulfill that role of strict supervisor, always looking over my shoulder and nagging me to do this and that. It is all me.

But that is the thing. I have been doing such an awful job in so many ways. I disgust myself. I would scold myself for being so darn unproductive. I have been a mess. I have been feeling… “drained,” for lack of a better term.

Drained of what?

Motivation?

Those dreams necessary to keep the hunger alive?

Self-respect?

Who knows?!

All I really can say is, with complete dismay, that I am imploding from within, and I definitely need some damage control before things get out of hand.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Extremes

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“My life has been far from balanced. Instead, I would say it is an alternating series of extremes.”

I can be really on fire one day. I can be really cold the next. I can be on point one day. I can be a complete and utter failure the next. However, the pattern is never predictable. The feelings are ambiguous.

The weather affects me. Something in the news affects me. I just feel so darn vulnerable to my own emotions. I am therefore an emotional person, and to be emotional is a blessing and a curse.

I am emotional because I feel everything I feel to the nth degree, but this acts as a double-edged sword when the feelings are anything negative. I can be as happy as a clam, or I can be the most miserable person you can come across just like that.

Regardless, I hate it. The more I try to come to grips with the notion that I legitimately may have bipolar disorder or whatever, the more I have to start contemplating more serious remedies to counteract the instability.

Yes, that is a good word for this dilemma of mine. Instability. It is a word that implies that something is not quite all the way put together, and it hints that something could go horribly wrong.

Outside of medicinal means, I wonder if just doing something else in life can somewhat bring it all toward the “center,” even if not perfectly in the middle. I just need to stop this back-and-forth game with my own thoughts. I want things to be steady at the very least. If this were the case, I could feel a bit more at ease that I am just drifting along in life.

But nope. It all just feels like an inner distraction. There is chaos upstairs, but a lot more needs to be done outside in the real world while all of this roughhousing takes place.

Ugh. Why can’t I just be one thing?

Why, world? Why!
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Swing

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“My life is so swingy at times. I literally go back and forth from feeling good and bad randomly.”

Well, I am going back to using the anime pictures again (for the time being). I did not like how plain the last post looked. They are mostly for fun, but having the pictures at least break up the wall of text for each blog post. So they are back for now.

Anyway, solving the mystery that is my life gets more and more grueling. But I am starting to narrow things down. I am beginning to understand myself a whole lot better. I kind of have to, as my main goal is to move forward in life. To head toward the next stage entails knocking down the obstacles ahead of me, but the major one I cannot overlook is myself.

In particular, I suspect that I probably have bipolar disorder. Now, this is nothing official. Self-diagnosing is dangerous, so I would in fact need a proper diagnosis from a medical professional, but the more I research it… Well, without getting too technical, it explains a lot about who I am.

In fact, I guess you could say that it literally matches up with my “inconsistency” for this whole time. Granted, I know I always talk about my various mood swings throughout these blog posts. I tell people all of the time that I suffer from mood swings, but now I wonder if that is really all there is to it on the surface.

And now, I just wonder if my dad has bipolar disorder as well. Without going too in-depth here, my dad was all over the place growing up. He had a lot of random days. And by random, I mean he would be incredibly happy and nice one day, and then there were other days you hoped it was not raining outside so you had an excuse to be away from the house.

My dad was Mr. Nice Guy when he was feeling jovial. He was the bad guy when he felt like yelling, frightening me a lot as a kid to the point where I found myself just cowering in fear from him a lot when he was like this.

As I have gotten older, my dad has mellowed out. The thing is, though, this is all due to the medication he has to drug himself with on a daily basis now. He takes so many pills, for so many different health problems, that he just has too much medicine flowing through his system to feel anything extreme. He is very chill by comparison to the childhood father I knew back then.

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I guess this partially feeds into the stigma I have toward taking pills. My dad obviously has to take all of those pills because he has no choice now, and I wonder if I am destined for the same path at this rate.

It all scares me.

With my dad, we called his extreme shifts in demeanor mood swings as well. And looking back at it all, I think my mom just did not want to say anything beyond that. My dad was my dad.

My mom always told me it was just a cultural thing back in Vietnam, that to be deemed “crazy” was super taboo. With this train of thought, it makes sense why we never would call my dad bipolar or anything like that. That would mean he has something really wrong with him, right?

As for me, as someone on this personal journey toward figuring it all out, I want answers. The logical thing would be to seek professional help. An official diagnosis would label me the right kind of things I would need to be labeled, but what would it change unless I ended up higher than a kite stuffing my face with pills each day?

Why do I bring this all up now?

Just lately, lately… I am feeling more extreme emotions. This up-and-down feeling, back and forth…  It all makes one’s head spin! Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Rework

“Change is a necessary evil, but the good part about it means something different can occur.”

Not feeling the best right now, so I am going to let some steam off in this blog post to see if it helps. Anyway, I am thinking about taking this blog through another “rework” phase. I have been doing a similar style of blogging for a long while, but I wonder if it is time just to mix things up for the mere sake of it.

The more I go through my past blog posts, the more I wonder what kind of impression I am leaving behind, at least in regards to how I want others to perceive me.

It has been five/six years now, and though some things have gotten better and all… I am still a mess in many ways. I just feel like an incomplete dish still waiting in the pan, and I just need a few more ingredients to complete the whole process before I am ready to serve.

But that is the thing about it all. It just feels like I have been sitting there, lying in wait for so long and I just wonder if anything is going to come by to make me into a finished product. Ultimately, I have concluded that I can’t rely on outside forces to make it happen.

Again, the world doesn’t owe me a favor, and nor should I expect it to do so magically. The less I think of myself as someone who is entitled to such things… Well, to be blunt, the better it is for me. I can’t keep banking on something to fall into my lap. In reality, I should approach it from the other angle. I need to be more proactive and head toward the stuff I want to reach, even if it is difficult and discouraging to do so.

Even as far as blogging goes, I guess part of this blog comes off as really childish in its own ways. I have enjoyed just plugging in the anime pictures as filler and stuff, but I wonder if I really need them there. They are just there to break up the text, but I really do desire to make this blog… more “professional” at some point?

I guess, in other words, I want this blog to mature as I should have matured as time went on, but I obviously have not grown up if I have technically regressed in this category. To say that I have regressed is quite accurate in many ways.

We all go through life at different paces, and I think I have certainly hit a wall at some point and then inadvertently backtracked when I should have kept going. I made excuses about it back then, but I can’t keep cycling through the same crap again and again ad nauseum. I hate feeling like I am repeating myself, but deep down I am aware I am caught up in my own drama.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Edge

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“Ultimately, those who succeed are those who have that needed edge to cut through an obstacle.”

I need an edge…

And what I mean is rather simple. I need that oomph. I need that boost. I need that one tipping point, no matter how minuscule or wide, that will take me over to the next level.

Looking back at it, I have always been quite a scrub in this regard. I have been too “kind” to others in a sense, and please allow me to elaborate. The fact is, those who are too nice get walked on, and to show some real confidence in yourself really does mean a big deal.

I have always been content with tagging along with other people’s success, whether it was a group project or whatever. I was so happy just being included, as opposed to being the main star. I have regrets about it now, but I can’t really do anything about what has happened to me so many times in the past.

And this is OK. What’s left in the past has to remain there. As long as I learn from it, even if that acquired knowledge has to start right now as I am typing this blog post out, so be it.

Better late than never. I suppose…

I am just growing weary of playing second fiddle. I am just getting extremely impatient with life itself. I want my time to shine, and I want that time to happen NOW! Of course, no matter how much I want to whine and moan about it all, the universe will most likely not give in to my demands without something in return.

Fine. No problem. I believe in hard work, anyway. I don’t want a handout. I just want a setup, a means for me to reach where I need to reach. Whatever that may be… And this is the part that eludes me.
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I have so many inklings, but none of it means a darn thing if I can’t connect the dots.

It’s like if you were given a sword, and you can have whatever you wanted if you can cut the right spot on a wall. But where would you strike? Where would be the secret spot that will open up to make your dreams come true?

Perhaps I am just thinking about all of this is a convoluted manner, where thoughts are just stacked up eclectically and I am just not sorting them out properly. My gut feeling is to keep looking around for a clue, just something… Anything!

Alas, if were so easy, we all would find our happy spot. We all would find our place in this world. I truly believe just being adamant is definitely important. Otherwise, you can fall victim to your own moments of weakness.

Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Talent

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“We are all respectively great at something, so have a conversation with others because talent talks.”

I firmly believe we are all destined in this universe to be “good” at something, whatever that may be. It can be singing, dancing, writing or whatever. I do not think everyone is meant to be good at everything, as this logically does not make sense.

We all are supposed to specialize if you use this train of thought. And by specializing, I mean we are supposed to hone in and nurture that which is appropriate for us. Again, whatever that may be.

Sure, we all would like to dabble in more things and expand our horizons. We all would like to try some things to see if we can be at least decent. That’s fine. But to achieve true mastery of a craft, to the point where it can be deemed a “talent,” goes into a different threshold altogether.

Sure, for me as an example, I picked up cooking over the years. Both out of genuine curiosity and as a necessity to save myself from a bad situation or two, cooking became a random wild card out of this deck of cards called life.

By all means, I would say I can cook now. And my ‘can’ these days definitely reflects a lot of personal perseverance and keeping my passion strong toward this culinary stuff. I legitimately, though pleasantly, surprise myself when I really pour my heart and soul into what I am doing.

In this case, it’s on a plate.

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I am decent in a lot of ways, but I have a lot to improve on if I ever want to be deemed a “talented” cook, let alone the real goal of being called a proper chef. As a result, I just have to keep trying to learn as much as I can, no matter how long it takes, when it comes to this cooking art.

After all, you just have to keep an open mind. Otherwise, you plateau yourself because you set these mental limitations. You don’t want to peak too early, right?

I think this is truly the mistake I made years ago in all kinds of facets. Basically, I put the ceiling above myself too low. I thought I was ready and knew everything I needed to know, but it is good to keep yourself always invested and willing to go that extra mile, so to speak.

I recall back in the early years of college when I thought I knew “a lot” about English stuff, like grammar and vocabulary. Turns out, and this truly shocked me on an emotional level, I was quite average compared to some other kids. Sure, I was more than above average when compared to a regular student, but I met some really talented people who could run circles around me when it came to the English language.

This was all so humbling. I really needed this trip to to the bakery to eat a whole portion of humble pie. For me, it was like someone smashed my face right into the humble pie, forcing me to gobble it up and accept that… I was not that good… At least, for that particular year in college.

But I showed some tenacity. I showed some heart. I just kept working at it, and soon enough – I became a beast when it came to English spelling and grammar. Yeah, I know. Dorky by all means. But that was what I was.

Again, you just have to hone in and nurture the stuff that you are appropriately competent at, even if it could be something random like basket weaving or shoe shining. Play to your strengths, if you want another way of looking at it. Continue reading