There comes a time in one’s life where things just “snap” all of a sudden. What has been holding me intact physically and mentally is now torn asunder by a giant epiphany. For me, it has dawned on me in more ways than one that I am in a very, very bad spot in my current situation. Not a horrible position by any means, but a negative one nonetheless. Simply put, I have been stuck in another “rut” so to speak. I was just too stubborn to realize it.
The thing about this “rut” is, in a strange way, it has masked itself in the form of a safe and respectable living situation. I do not starve. I do in fact have shelter. I have access to a lot of things like internet that others would perceive as a privilege. And I am supported by a lot of very nice and caring individuals. However, this “rut” has meant that I have been stuck in a transition point when I should have reached my next destination by now.
But don’t get me wrong now. I cannot stress enough that I am thankful and very grateful for having the luxury of “downtime” to sort through my current set of problems. For this length of time as well. Who could complain? I know I am not. A lot of people in the same boat are usually not so lucky, so I count my blessings every day that I can at least get all the bare necessities. What really hurts is the other caveats attached to what I have tried to accomplish for this phase in my life.
It has been the worst thing about my existence in the past two years: I have been unstable. I have never felt 100 percent all there, if you catch my drift. It is like parts of me are missing, and I do not know whether I will ever be able to restore what I once was. At times, it seems like I can BS it and carry on with things. There is always some semblance of hope that I can coast on to make my worries and woes just a bit lighter than usual, which further feeds into why I have been “confused” about my circumstances.
I battled past the worst of my inner demons in the past. It took a lot out of me just to feel “OK” after feeling like complete and utter crap for so long. I restored a bit of my sanity and mended my psyche with an emphasis toward more positivity in my life. Of course, new problems would somehow make their way to hinder me in the form of various obstacles. Luckily, I am a person who believes real strength is measured by persistence.
Granted, my sense of persistence has been questionable for a while. I will be the first to admit that the willpower to push myself to the next level has gone up and down, which at times could be perceived as abysmal. Now that things have “snapped” and I got a real wake-up call, it’s time to unsheathe the claws for real.