The 54th Deadline: Contrast


The 54th Deadline: To head toward the light, one must spend some time in the darkness.

There are many days that occur where I find myself experiencing the “other” side of me.

One who is mean.

One who is not as forgiving.

One who is not as thoughtful.

Before I go any further, basically, I like to think I can fathom and accept that this other me is very prevalent in lots of regards. I don’t choose to pretend or ignore this side of me. It’s very much a part of me as how a coin shares two sides. It can’t be helped. It’s how things are.

If anything, this other side of me just became more obvious when I sunk to my lowest point half a decade ago, where all I had left at rock bottom was just my self-pity and the other me who couldn’t help but feel a lot of negative things.





Toss in a lot more hostile, ire-inducing words and you get the idea. It’s the other side of me who hasn’t let go off all of the escalating pain and frustration that naturally built up over time.

On one hand, I felt like an empty husk in a sense. However, the other side of me just kept accumulating more and more reasons to hate. More reasons to attempt justifying, often absurd, notions of “payback.”

Payback for what?

Was it at all personal why certain things did not pan out for me? Why would I need to feel the urge to seek revenge? What good would come out of it?

This is the constant, inner tug-of-war I play within my mind numerous times every week. In fact, sometimes I believe it’s getting worse. I don’t know which side I should let win in some regards because I know both sides have their valid points.

In terms of my current spot in life, if you want to make this a means of quantifiable “success,” I have a ways to go. There are so many things I want to accomplish, but priorities need to take place first.

For a long time, all I wanted was independence. Well, I got it. And plenty to spare.

I need to do grownup things now to get by the everyday operations. I know I am not doing things as efficiently or ideal, but I try. And I guess it counts for something.

Conversely, the other side of me has grown impatient. The other side wants results sooner rather than later.

How long are things going to take? Another few months? A few years? When will something come along to expedite the process? Why can’t I just TAKE what I want by force and then be done with it?

I am conflicted by this contrast. Grossly conflicted to a fault.
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The 54th Deadline: Stalled Countdown

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
As I write this, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I can’t quite seem to let it all out.

It’s one particularly odd thing about my personal “depression” from the get-go – I haven’t been really able to cry. I feel like I have kept a lot of inner turmoil inside, and it has just been building up and building up, but it just can’t seem to find its way out of my system.

It’s wimpy to admit it, but I guess deep down I want to bawl my eyes out. I really force myself, but it’s not working. And hence, I believe a lot of my hopes and dreams have stalled this countdown in life. I know the launch has been on hold for so long.

I should have blasted off toward “greatness” by now, but something keeps finding its way into my life to delay it even further. Am I making excuses? Am I being irrational?

JUST WHAT IS IT? What’s wrong? Why can’t I just get a clear answer from the universe?

I make so many small strides, but I never can’t go the complete distance to reach that next threshold. It’s always some kind of forward progress, but how much more forward progress do I need to get through?

Perhaps at this point, I feel exhausted and impatient with it all. After all, it’s been five years and counting. Fives years of ups and downs. Five years mixed with misery and happiness.

Sigh, depression is a real drag to overcome, don’t you think? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: One Catalyst Short

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
I always feel like I am one catalyst short from putting it all together.

A catalyst here and there makes a difference. It means something is starting, combining, changing and, most importantly, becoming an entirely different thing when it’s all finished.

However, a large part of being one catalyst short means I am missing something to help me reach my next stage, so to speak.

It’s frustrating. Extremely frustrating.
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Blog Update: Almost Back in Business

Everyday NhanSense: A blogging update.——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Hi again.

As mentioned in the previous post, I wanted to take a few days to rethink how I wanted to approach this blog. Well, those few days ended up being a week, and during that time I have finally decided – I want to aim for fewer blog posts as a whole, but with a shifted emphasis toward more quality.

And by quality, of course, I mean I want to write more elaborate (not necessarily meatier) blog posts. I simply want less of those throwaway posts I find myself writing here and there when I am lacking motivation or just feeling a tad lazy to blast out something worthwhile.

Don’t get me wrong. I probably could write out 5,000 words for each blog post if I tried hard enough, but this isn’t my kind of writing style. I prefer more concise pieces. But at the same time, I have to play to my strengths.

As a writer, like anyone else, we don’t always blast out gold from our keyboards on any given day. Sometimes, it’s hard to find that spark, that surge of inspiration, to keep the creative juices flowing. Nonetheless, I don’t want to sound like I am making excuses.

Ultimately, I want to improve my blogging and take it to the next logical level, which is to have more people aware of this blog’s very existence.
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Everyday NhanSense – Under Construction

Everyday NhanSense: Important note.——————————————————————————————————————————————–
To my dear readers:

Do not fret. I have not disappeared. I obviously haven’t died or anything.

For the past few days, I do apologize for being completely late with the daily(ish) blog posts I have been trying to churn out each day, but alas I was very late with them. Quite frankly, I will admit that I was writing some pretty halfhearted blog posts, at least when I am just skimming through the past few weeks.

With this in mind, I am not pulling the plug on this blog or anything like that. After all, this blog is like my “pulse.” It reflects a lot about how I have been feeling, whether good or bad. I will never stop blogging on this blog. It’s been my ongoing, oh-so-important project I have been maintaining for a long while now.

I am someone who has had a lot of misfortune in the past few years, with a lot of time spent just learning a lot about myself and all while going through the worst effects of depression and whatnot. But I survived. And this blog is a testament to me persevering just enough to keep going another day.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 125

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 125’s Topic: Despair.
I have to find ways to dispel some despair lingering in my life.

“Get good. Be better.” – Nhan Fiction


Everyday NhanSense – Day 124

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 124’s Topic: Discipline.
It has certainly dawned on me for the past few days that I am by all means an undisciplined person. Well, at least in many respects.

Looking back at it, I obviously would have been a much different person to this day had I been even a touch more disciplined in certain areas.

For instance, let’s take exercise/working out as an area I could have tackled with more enthusiasm. Even as a child, I didn’t necessarily hate to exercise, but I preferred staying indoors to play video games and being at home. Continue reading