The 54th Deadline: Contrast


The 54th Deadline: To head toward the light, one must spend some time in the darkness.

There are many days that occur where I find myself experiencing the “other” side of me.

One who is mean.

One who is not as forgiving.

One who is not as thoughtful.

Before I go any further, basically, I like to think I can fathom and accept that this other me is very prevalent in lots of regards. I don’t choose to pretend or ignore this side of me. It’s very much a part of me as how a coin shares two sides. It can’t be helped. It’s how things are.

If anything, this other side of me just became more obvious when I sunk to my lowest point half a decade ago, where all I had left at rock bottom was just my self-pity and the other me who couldn’t help but feel a lot of negative things.





Toss in a lot more hostile, ire-inducing words and you get the idea. It’s the other side of me who hasn’t let go off all of the escalating pain and frustration that naturally built up over time.

On one hand, I felt like an empty husk in a sense. However, the other side of me just kept accumulating more and more reasons to hate. More reasons to attempt justifying, often absurd, notions of “payback.”

Payback for what?

Was it at all personal why certain things did not pan out for me? Why would I need to feel the urge to seek revenge? What good would come out of it?

This is the constant, inner tug-of-war I play within my mind numerous times every week. In fact, sometimes I believe it’s getting worse. I don’t know which side I should let win in some regards because I know both sides have their valid points.

In terms of my current spot in life, if you want to make this a means of quantifiable “success,” I have a ways to go. There are so many things I want to accomplish, but priorities need to take place first.

For a long time, all I wanted was independence. Well, I got it. And plenty to spare.

I need to do grownup things now to get by the everyday operations. I know I am not doing things as efficiently or ideal, but I try. And I guess it counts for something.

Conversely, the other side of me has grown impatient. The other side wants results sooner rather than later.

How long are things going to take? Another few months? A few years? When will something come along to expedite the process? Why can’t I just TAKE what I want by force and then be done with it?

I am conflicted by this contrast. Grossly conflicted to a fault.
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The 54th Deadline: Always Looking Back


The 54th Deadline: If only I could always keep my eyes looking toward the future. Seriously.

There are many days where I wish I could “turn off” the past in my mind. I feel like I am reminded of it every day constantly. It seems there is no way for me to block it off mentally, at least with anything short of me suffering from full-blown amnesia.

There have been plenty of good memories, and certainly there have been many bad and horrible ones as well, but the major issue is how I find myself always anchored because of what is behind me.

I want to move forward. I want to dash toward my next stage in life. I want to get there as fast as I can, and yet here I am just moving along so slowly. This snail-like pace has bothered me, but at the same time I realize it’s life’s way of forcing me to be ever patient.

My time will come. At least, I hope so anyway.

Obviously, there should be some eagerness to achieve the next big thing. I want to advance. I want to evolve. I want to grow as a person.

Ultimately, I want to thrive, be happy and all that jazz. If I have to look at it in another way, I guess I can’t really go from point A to point (?) without experiencing everything in between, right?

Still, I look back like I can’t take my eyes off what has happened to me. I know I am inching along with plenty of forward progress, but it’s become an unwanted habit of being obsessed with what has lain behind me for literally five years and counting.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let it go? Why can’t I just accept what’s done is done and just carry on without a second thought?

I am always looking back. I am always looking at what has happened as opposed to focusing on what’s ahead of me. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Facing Fear

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
I have been a horrible coward for far too long.

The fact is, a large reason why this very blog exists stems from a lot of fear and insecurity. I didn’t know, at least at the time, how to face my fears when they showed themselves before me.

Bit by bit, I let all of the bad stuff happen to me. One meltdown after another. Each inner struggle manifested into something worse, eventually piling up into a mountain of personal problems.

And as a result, I have to be somewhat understanding. Without all of that, this blog wouldn’t have been so elaborate, so detailed and so filled with various thoughts and ideas floating around from my mind.

Fear is powerful, after all. One should never underestimate it.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I was Mr. Courageous prior to this blog. If anything, I was always leaning toward the meek side. I didn’t like conflict or confrontations. I wanted to stay inside of my own bubble and let the world pass me by, or at least this was the “old” me.

Without the security of said bubble, I was a hapless, ridiculously weak individual who was left to fend for himself for the first time in his dang life. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Another Chapter Begins

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
Hi again. As I explained in the previous post, I have been contemplating how to switch up my blogging patterns, especially in regards to the format. Because I am not trying to blog each day like before, it was a no-brainer to opt away from the “Everyday NhanSense” stuff and then pull up something I haven’t used for a long while – “The 54th Deadline.”

For one thing, 54 is just my favorite number in the entire universe since as long as I can remember. The “deadline” part is just something that sounds cool.

Combined together, I think “The 54th Deadline” has a distinct ring to it. It plays on my journalism background to boot. Yay!

But anyway, I just wanted to write this blog post out so you all know that I am definitely trying to get back into the blogging swing of things. Gosh, even as I type this out, I feel like I am physically hitting the keys sluggishly while feeling uninspired. Not good!

All of which, of course, can be fixed with some more earnest attempts at blogging at a level I am content with as a writer.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 104

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 104’s Topic: Control of life.
There are times I wonder if I am just losing control of my life, as if I am heading toward something I don’t want to end up at …
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 83

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 83’s Topic: Strength.
One of my favorite quotes in the whole world is …

This was a quote I vividly recall being read by a valedictorian’s speech during my high school graduation.

At the time, I didn’t think much about it. I was too caught up in the thought that high school was ending and the exciting aspect of going to college waited for me around the corner. But over time, I learned what this quote really meant in its entirety.

I am strong. Well, more like I had to be, to make it this far in my journey.

When I felt like I was just scum for the entire universe to gawk at, discard and then ultimately be forgotten like I didn’t even matter, I had to realize how strong I could really be to keep fighting.

I couldn’t give up. I didn’t want to. I had to keep finding strength when everything made me feel weak and pathetic.


I can’t tell you how much word has meant to me when I have been seeking strength from all kinds of places.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 67


Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 67’s Topic: Shopping for things.
When you’re poor as heck like me, you don’t think about things as being essentials until you essentially need them.

For a long time, I have been without the convenience/luxury/necessity of a microwave.

My gosh, what a pain!

But fortunately today, I finally could pick up this wondrous box that will bring me better meals in a couple of seconds.


Don’t get me wrong. I love to cook and all, but my current place doesn’t have a stove or oven for me to accommodate my particular hobby. Money is also tight, which means I have to budget around easier-to-prepare meals until I can eventually purchase better cooking equipment, therefore being actually capable of making the kind of food I want.
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