The 54th Deadline: Contrast


The 54th Deadline: To head toward the light, one must spend some time in the darkness.

There are many days that occur where I find myself experiencing the “other” side of me.

One who is mean.

One who is not as forgiving.

One who is not as thoughtful.

Before I go any further, basically, I like to think I can fathom and accept that this other me is very prevalent in lots of regards. I don’t choose to pretend or ignore this side of me. It’s very much a part of me as how a coin shares two sides. It can’t be helped. It’s how things are.

If anything, this other side of me just became more obvious when I sunk to my lowest point half a decade ago, where all I had left at rock bottom was just my self-pity and the other me who couldn’t help but feel a lot of negative things.





Toss in a lot more hostile, ire-inducing words and you get the idea. It’s the other side of me who hasn’t let go off all of the escalating pain and frustration that naturally built up over time.

On one hand, I felt like an empty husk in a sense. However, the other side of me just kept accumulating more and more reasons to hate. More reasons to attempt justifying, often absurd, notions of “payback.”

Payback for what?

Was it at all personal why certain things did not pan out for me? Why would I need to feel the urge to seek revenge? What good would come out of it?

This is the constant, inner tug-of-war I play within my mind numerous times every week. In fact, sometimes I believe it’s getting worse. I don’t know which side I should let win in some regards because I know both sides have their valid points.

In terms of my current spot in life, if you want to make this a means of quantifiable “success,” I have a ways to go. There are so many things I want to accomplish, but priorities need to take place first.

For a long time, all I wanted was independence. Well, I got it. And plenty to spare.

I need to do grownup things now to get by the everyday operations. I know I am not doing things as efficiently or ideal, but I try. And I guess it counts for something.

Conversely, the other side of me has grown impatient. The other side wants results sooner rather than later.

How long are things going to take? Another few months? A few years? When will something come along to expedite the process? Why can’t I just TAKE what I want by force and then be done with it?

I am conflicted by this contrast. Grossly conflicted to a fault.
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The 54th Deadline: One Catalyst Short

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
I always feel like I am one catalyst short from putting it all together.

A catalyst here and there makes a difference. It means something is starting, combining, changing and, most importantly, becoming an entirely different thing when it’s all finished.

However, a large part of being one catalyst short means I am missing something to help me reach my next stage, so to speak.

It’s frustrating. Extremely frustrating.
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The 54th Deadline: Death’s Reminder

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
Life, you really want to keep tacking on once again another catalyst, another wake-up call for me, to get into action. Don’t you? Don’t you?!

So yesterday at work, I found out a coworker of mine literally died. Straight up, he died the other night.

I worked with this coworker just last weekend, and now he is gone. Needless to say, I was pretty rattled yesterday.

Though I was not great friends with him by any means, I thought my coworker was a good guy. He worked hard and always had a great attitude about everything. Outside from the restaurant, I didn’t know much about him. I knew he had a bit of trouble with the law, but he clearly was getting his act together for a long while.

Like me, he was on his own respective journey to salvage his life.

Such a shame. Such a shame.

Life certainly is too short. We take it for granted, and then poof! It ends.

You don’t think about death until it pops up out of the blue. For the past day, I have thought about my own mortality. Have I done enough with my own existence?

Ultimately, I have concluded a startling “no” at this point in the game.

I have not done enough. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Under Construction

Everyday NhanSense: Important note.——————————————————————————————————————————————–
To my dear readers:

Do not fret. I have not disappeared. I obviously haven’t died or anything.

For the past few days, I do apologize for being completely late with the daily(ish) blog posts I have been trying to churn out each day, but alas I was very late with them. Quite frankly, I will admit that I was writing some pretty halfhearted blog posts, at least when I am just skimming through the past few weeks.

With this in mind, I am not pulling the plug on this blog or anything like that. After all, this blog is like my “pulse.” It reflects a lot about how I have been feeling, whether good or bad. I will never stop blogging on this blog. It’s been my ongoing, oh-so-important project I have been maintaining for a long while now.

I am someone who has had a lot of misfortune in the past few years, with a lot of time spent just learning a lot about myself and all while going through the worst effects of depression and whatnot. But I survived. And this blog is a testament to me persevering just enough to keep going another day.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 74

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 74’s Topic: The other “you” in life.
Compared to yesterday, I was much calmer by comparison.

There are days I swear I have another “me” just trying to get loose. Whether it’s a figment of my imagination or it’s just how I feel when I need to entertain myself upstairs, I honestly don’t have a clue.

But seriously, today felt way different in a good way. I was less frustrated, more in-tune with what I was doing and more aware of dialing back the bad feelings whenever they came up. Sure, I’ll admit I may have been a tad sluggish than usual, but you can’t have it all sometimes.

Nonetheless, the other “me” always wants to find fault with whatever I am doing and attempt to rationalize emotions that are basically toxic and dangerous if they were allowed to fester.

But you know what? They shouldn’t matter if I just brush them aside, stay mellow and allow myself to do what needs to be done to be productive.

Everyone, mood swings or not, has to deal with a myriad of emotions and feelings on a daily basis. Though my mood swings can prove random and difficult to predict, I manage by trying to keep the attention fixated on that spot of zen on the spectrum. When I achieve a sense of personal enlightenment, life can feel good.

However, it’s of course not always easy to find that right spot, and so we all come across situations where we may miss the mark at times.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 60

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 60’s Topic: Feeling mad.
At the risk of sounding like I am paraphrasing The Incredible Hulk, I will go out and say it.

Every day, I feel angry. Angry in the sense that there is always something there, brooding, festering … whatever you want to call it. I know it’s there. I can feel it.

It’s like I have my anger simmering in another pot on the stove top, I’m never turning up the heat, but always I’m being conscious of it. As of late, it seems to become more apparent I am an angry person on the inside.

Not crazy mad, mind you, but just a little temper I have to contain in conjunction with my mood swings. There have been many days where I keep recalling all of the stuff that has made me super furious for whatever reason.

Job rejections.

People cutting me out of their life.


Whatever it may be, no matter how serious, no matter how trivial, I guess a lot of it has lingered. It persists. It refuses to go away.

In fact, I have pondered whether I would rather feel sad or mad. And to be frank – I kind of wish I could feel a little blue rather than red hot. At the very least, I know being a depressed dude doesn’t hurt anyone. Being that person who can turn volatile at any point is dangerous, on the other hand. Both to themselves and others.

I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I feel like I have a ticking time bomb inside my heart, just waiting to explode at some undefined moment in time.

It scares the heck out of me.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 52

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 52’s Topic: Social anxiety acting as a barrier.
By now, it’s pretty obvious I have horrible social anxiety that affects me day-to-day. In some instances, I manage to cope with it, and then there are other times I get so overly stimulated that I freeze.

Today, something happened to cause me to do just that. A coworker invited me to her birthday party this evening. She was going to have some of her friends over, particularly to play cards. I wasn’t feeling too well and some other personal things came up, so I wouldn’t have been able to go regardless. Or so I felt.

Besides feeling like I would have been a real buzzkill for her party, I just became frightened at the prospect of coming across too many new people at once and becoming too socially awkward with them. This, right here, is what caused me to start feeling a bit too nervous for my own taste.

I do horribly with big groups. I am OK with a few people. If they are strangers to boot, it makes me feel very shy and bashful. I already feel like the odd one among a small company of individuals, so a larger group makes me feel even more isolated.

I feel genuinely bad as well. My coworker is really nice, so I feel like a jerk for not sucking it up and heading over to her shindig. Because of situations like this, I realize now how devastating my social anxiety has been throughout my whole dang life.

It’s a barrier I have to break down, at least partially so I can venture out from my own self-created bubble once in a while.
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