The 54th Deadline: Contrast


The 54th Deadline: To head toward the light, one must spend some time in the darkness.

There are many days that occur where I find myself experiencing the “other” side of me.

One who is mean.

One who is not as forgiving.

One who is not as thoughtful.

Before I go any further, basically, I like to think I can fathom and accept that this other me is very prevalent in lots of regards. I don’t choose to pretend or ignore this side of me. It’s very much a part of me as how a coin shares two sides. It can’t be helped. It’s how things are.

If anything, this other side of me just became more obvious when I sunk to my lowest point half a decade ago, where all I had left at rock bottom was just my self-pity and the other me who couldn’t help but feel a lot of negative things.





Toss in a lot more hostile, ire-inducing words and you get the idea. It’s the other side of me who hasn’t let go off all of the escalating pain and frustration that naturally built up over time.

On one hand, I felt like an empty husk in a sense. However, the other side of me just kept accumulating more and more reasons to hate. More reasons to attempt justifying, often absurd, notions of “payback.”

Payback for what?

Was it at all personal why certain things did not pan out for me? Why would I need to feel the urge to seek revenge? What good would come out of it?

This is the constant, inner tug-of-war I play within my mind numerous times every week. In fact, sometimes I believe it’s getting worse. I don’t know which side I should let win in some regards because I know both sides have their valid points.

In terms of my current spot in life, if you want to make this a means of quantifiable “success,” I have a ways to go. There are so many things I want to accomplish, but priorities need to take place first.

For a long time, all I wanted was independence. Well, I got it. And plenty to spare.

I need to do grownup things now to get by the everyday operations. I know I am not doing things as efficiently or ideal, but I try. And I guess it counts for something.

Conversely, the other side of me has grown impatient. The other side wants results sooner rather than later.

How long are things going to take? Another few months? A few years? When will something come along to expedite the process? Why can’t I just TAKE what I want by force and then be done with it?

I am conflicted by this contrast. Grossly conflicted to a fault.
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The 54th Deadline: A Particular Feeling


The 54th Deadline: Sometimes, an “urge” just prompts you to take action.  It’s powerful.

It returns.

I think it’s about time I came up my own name for it.

An urge.

A feeling.

A spark.

Whatever it is, it’s something I cannot ignore. And I’d be a fool if I ever did. The fact is, without this gut instinct, I would have been sunk a long time ago. When you’re literally flirting with losing it all and hanging on for dear life, you need something to compel you forward to tough it out just a bit further.

And I am glad I did choose the scarier option of seeing what the unknown had to offer versus just throwing in the imminent white towel.

I realize I may come off as talking in almost circles about this recurring scenario/ordeal in my past, but it’s been apparent how vital and essential it has been toward sending me in this particular direction.

On some days, I want to call it destiny. I could say it’s in God’s hands. Whatever it may be, everything has been set in motion. I’ve just been along for the ride this whole time.

With that said, I think I need to react accordingly to this particular feeling. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet. Why would it do it now? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Another Chapter Begins

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
Hi again. As I explained in the previous post, I have been contemplating how to switch up my blogging patterns, especially in regards to the format. Because I am not trying to blog each day like before, it was a no-brainer to opt away from the “Everyday NhanSense” stuff and then pull up something I haven’t used for a long while – “The 54th Deadline.”

For one thing, 54 is just my favorite number in the entire universe since as long as I can remember. The “deadline” part is just something that sounds cool.

Combined together, I think “The 54th Deadline” has a distinct ring to it. It plays on my journalism background to boot. Yay!

But anyway, I just wanted to write this blog post out so you all know that I am definitely trying to get back into the blogging swing of things. Gosh, even as I type this out, I feel like I am physically hitting the keys sluggishly while feeling uninspired. Not good!

All of which, of course, can be fixed with some more earnest attempts at blogging at a level I am content with as a writer.
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Blog Update: Almost Back in Business

Everyday NhanSense: A blogging update.——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Hi again.

As mentioned in the previous post, I wanted to take a few days to rethink how I wanted to approach this blog. Well, those few days ended up being a week, and during that time I have finally decided – I want to aim for fewer blog posts as a whole, but with a shifted emphasis toward more quality.

And by quality, of course, I mean I want to write more elaborate (not necessarily meatier) blog posts. I simply want less of those throwaway posts I find myself writing here and there when I am lacking motivation or just feeling a tad lazy to blast out something worthwhile.

Don’t get me wrong. I probably could write out 5,000 words for each blog post if I tried hard enough, but this isn’t my kind of writing style. I prefer more concise pieces. But at the same time, I have to play to my strengths.

As a writer, like anyone else, we don’t always blast out gold from our keyboards on any given day. Sometimes, it’s hard to find that spark, that surge of inspiration, to keep the creative juices flowing. Nonetheless, I don’t want to sound like I am making excuses.

Ultimately, I want to improve my blogging and take it to the next logical level, which is to have more people aware of this blog’s very existence.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 119

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 119’s Topic: Finding answers amid the confusion.
The more I figure out things about myself, the more I realize how truly complex and all over the place I truly am as an individual. Well, I am complex in the sense that I have a lot of random ailments that more or less affect me in some fashion day-to-day.

For instance, I often talk about my mood swings and how they essentially make me an “inconsistent” person. You really don’t know what kind of Nhan you’re gonna get sometimes. I don’t even know the answer on a given day to be honest.

Mood swings make me erratic, almost unstable, because I shift around from all kinds of moods. Yesterday, for instance, I felt sad. I am talking about feeling so blue I was lying on my bed borderline ready to cry my eyes out, or at least this is how I felt for most of the day.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 114

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 114’s Topic: Reflection.
What a shift of self-esteem a few months can do for you.

At the start of this personal journey, I quite frankly loathed myself as a person. I saw myself as trash. I thought little of myself when I once had big dreams and ambitions to keep me motivated.

At my worst, I lost friends. At my worst, I lost touch with what I wanted to achieve as an individual.

And at my worst, I almost fell down and never got back up, but I am glad I kept pushing myself.

But, with that said, it takes proactive measures to prevent yourself from regressing too much. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 106

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 106’s Topic: Not giving up.
Life certainly can be difficult in lots of ways, but you never can give up. As I always write on this blog from time-to-time, this blog is in fact my pulse of sorts. My recent string of halfhearted blogging reflects that something definitely is out of sync in my life.

But I digress.

As particular wise words once made their way to my ears – “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”

It is not like I am utterly depressed. It is not like I am unbearably hurt or anything of that sort.

I guess, without giving much away, I feel a bit restricted at the moment, but restricted in regards to my pacing in life.

I want to do more, but at the same time I can only do so much. I want to get my life going, but I have to curtail what can and can’t be done in a certain span of time due to limitations.
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