Tag Archives: Mental Health

The 54th Deadline: Remember the Name

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
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Once again, I have been faced with another crossroad in my life to determine my next path in this complex and unforgiving journey. This one’s a doozy, to boot.

I haven’t felt quite “right” for a while now. It’s hard to explain without sounding pessimistic, mopey or whatever you want to call it. Basically, I don’t feel like myself.

Certain things don’t appeal to me as much anymore. Certain activities aren’t as fun. Certain interests seem less exciting.

Whether it’s watching anime or playing video games, I just feel like a part of me is out of place from within my very soul. It’s disheartening, for sure, when you feel a bit broken from the inside out. As if a gear is out of place, I seemingly can move on with my day-to-day operations, but something isn’t making me feel, well, happy so to speak.

It sucks. It just really sucks because I want to enjoy life. I want to feel content about my situation. I want to feel like I am making some actual progress toward where I need to be. At the same time, I would be lying to myself if I wasn’t honest upfront about my emotional state.

I wish it were something more obvious. For instance, let’s say I got into an accident and couldn’t walk anymore. Let’s say I would need a wheelchair to get around for the rest of my days. That would be something I could understand at face value. There wouldn’t be anything hidden or mysterious. I would just be handicapped and unable to walk.

But for this particular, and quite ambiguous I have to add, personal problem from within, I just can’t label what it is and be done with it. I just don’t really know what it is, and I am just uncertain if I will ever figure it out soon.

Could it be another bout with depression?

Is it something along this line?

Could it be pent-up rage? Sadness?

I really wish I knew, but this is why I feel prompted to change some elements of what I am all about, at least for the time being.

“Get good. Be better.”

It was a really simple message. You get good at something, then you strive to be better.

And for me, this entailed a lot of random facets. I wanted to get good at cooking for instance, and of course I wanted to elevate my skills toward super chef status.

For a long while, this has been this blog’s motto. However, I felt like I needed to change it to, “Remember the name.”
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The 54th Deadline: The Weight of the Matter

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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Life certainly has been hard for me these past few weeks. It took a death of a coworker to force me to rethink everything.

Something I wanted to do because of my coworker’s death was attempt dieting again. Let’s just say I have been having second thoughts about it. But hear me out.

You see, in a nutshell, I have never been super fit before in my life. I have been at best marginally in OK shape when I participated in a few sports back in high school. Otherwise, I was either pretty skinny and then eventually on the pudgy side.

At the moment, I have put on a few pounds compared to what I was even half a year ago since moving into this town. Then again, I got kicked out from where I was living before and I spent a few months unemployed, starving and then eventually eating like crazy due to stress. It was no surprise it would affect my weight on the scale after a while.

But in regards to the diet, I attempted going back to a diet I tried successfully a long time ago. It really did work, as I lost 30 pounds after committing to it for 10 whole weeks. However, stupid stuff happened, which ended up sending me to the emergency room.
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The 54th Deadline: Opening Up


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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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There are days where I contemplate how much persistence, patience and energy I have invested toward my own “recovery” and why I haven’t quite solved all of the mysteries yet. Then again, I realize some damage is difficult to heal, and I certainly have sustained and suffered my share of problems throughout the years.

I count my blessings. I ponder about the possibilities. I think back about all that has hurt me and why I continue to dwell on stuff I should have let go completely from long ago. But regardless of what I do and what I shouldn’t do, life continues.

This is the fact we all have to acknowledge.

Life continues. And it will always do so until the end of time.

Sure, my life within these past five years have had a lot of crummy (OK, absurdly horrid) defeats in the form a lot of self-loathing and whatnot. And sure, I have had made my share of attempts at finding success in overcoming said defeats.

But of course, this is why people call it a struggle. It’s not like you can unwind everything and put it all back in its place in a nice and neat fashion. Oh heck no! That would be too easy.

The word I often say a lot now is “process,” a word that definitely reflects a lot about my current endeavors in life.

I have been undergoing a process at bettering myself. I don’t always make all the right moves. Trust me. I have made more blunders than anything else, and yet I keep taking cracks at it until things slowly move toward the direction I want it to go.B2XDebDCIAAtwNj

But is it ever enough? That’s the big question I keep asking myself.

Take these past few days, for instance. I realize the place I am living in has little to no furniture. Like, come on! I know I am not that wealthy at the moment to afford splurging on nice chairs and tables.

Keep in mind I am someone who spent a few months eating his meals off of a tub, a literal tub, where I placed a paper towel on to keep the surface clean. And not to mention, this tub was what I used to sit by the computer as well.

Was I being resourceful with what I had (I was, by all means, super poor at the time), or was I just not smart about it?
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The 54th Deadline: Waiting in the Darkness

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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For five years and counting, I have been waiting in my own perpetual darkness. At one point, I feared for the worst when my world crumbled around me, and I couldn’t help but “run away” from my insecurities and problems instead of facing them directly like a courageous person.

Alas, I was a weak individual. A scaredy-cat. Insert whatever negative word. It doesn’t matter.

The point is, ultimately, I ran away to hide from my problems. Much like a child who hides under their blanket when they get scared, I hid underneath a security blanket called cowardice.

I was hoping the spooky stuff would magically go away, It didn’t. Instead, things grew more and more intense as time went on, which elevated my dilemma into a personal, full-blown disaster.

So I moped away in my own darkness, letting it consume me from within until I had enough of it.

I waited like the problems could go away on their own if I endured, thinking perhaps light would come shining in to illuminate the right path before me. Eventually. Eventually, I kept thinking.

It didn’t happen like that. Not quite, anyway.

Don’t get me wrong. When you’re a depressed mess, things just get to you. I certainly had my share of self-defeating thoughts that could last me a lifetime.

But after a while, you get weary of the constant negativity. You want to squelch all of the, “It’s never going to get better” remnants floating around in your mind. In their place, you have to scrape up some sense of hope, some sense of optimism that things will in fact improve.

And they have for me, albeit slowly. Everything has been a gradual crawl, but hey … at least it’s in the right direction!

To wait in this darkness for so long, one must think I am nuts, right?
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The 54th Deadline: To Continue Dreaming

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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It’s a wonderful thing to dream. Like everyone else as a child, dreams kept me going. Dreams kept me motivated to stay in school, get good grades and all that stuff we’re all supposed to strive for because it’s the appropriate course of action. With any luck, all of the effort would be rewarded at some point.

Eventually, our dreams should materialize into something worthwhile, or so we are told.

When you’re a clueless/naive kid, you don’t know what the heck you want to be. I thought I could be a firefighter for example. There was a point where I thought I could easily become a video game developer.

Of course, as I got older and eventually found myself in college and choosing a major, I opted for journalism. I wanted to be a journalist. A journalist. And nothing more.

But without having to repeat myself entirely this time, I will sum up the gist of what happened roughly five years ago – I screwed up. Badly, I have to add. And so badly that it has been a long, arduous process to reverse and actually attempt to heal some of the mental and emotional damage I had to endure.

So just like that, my dream faded for the time being. It would be years before I thought I could have some semblance of a normal person. It would be literally a year and a half after graduating college before I even found a “job” to escape that cruddy unemployment tag.

What a glorious dream, right? I had the hopes and aspirations to become a young, potentially talented reporter/editor in the making! Well, at the very least, this was the plan.

Nothing quite panned out that way at all. I have to say.

But I digress.
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The 54th Deadline: Another Chapter Begins


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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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Hi again. As I explained in the previous post, I have been contemplating how to switch up my blogging patterns, especially in regards to the format. Because I am not trying to blog each day like before, it was a no-brainer to opt away from the “Everyday NhanSense” stuff and then pull up something I haven’t used for a long while – “The 54th Deadline.”

For one thing, 54 is just my favorite number in the entire universe since as long as I can remember. The “deadline” part is just something that sounds cool.

Combined together, I think “The 54th Deadline” has a distinct ring to it. It plays on my journalism background to boot. Yay!

But anyway, I just wanted to write this blog post out so you all know that I am definitely trying to get back into the blogging swing of things. Gosh, even as I type this out, I feel like I am physically hitting the keys sluggishly while feeling uninspired. Not good!

All of which, of course, can be fixed with some more earnest attempts at blogging at a level I am content with as a writer.
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Blog Update: Almost Back in Business

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Everyday NhanSense: A blogging update.——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Hi again.

As mentioned in the previous post, I wanted to take a few days to rethink how I wanted to approach this blog. Well, those few days ended up being a week, and during that time I have finally decided – I want to aim for fewer blog posts as a whole, but with a shifted emphasis toward more quality.

And by quality, of course, I mean I want to write more elaborate (not necessarily meatier) blog posts. I simply want less of those throwaway posts I find myself writing here and there when I am lacking motivation or just feeling a tad lazy to blast out something worthwhile.

Don’t get me wrong. I probably could write out 5,000 words for each blog post if I tried hard enough, but this isn’t my kind of writing style. I prefer more concise pieces. But at the same time, I have to play to my strengths.

As a writer, like anyone else, we don’t always blast out gold from our keyboards on any given day. Sometimes, it’s hard to find that spark, that surge of inspiration, to keep the creative juices flowing. Nonetheless, I don’t want to sound like I am making excuses.

Ultimately, I want to improve my blogging and take it to the next logical level, which is to have more people aware of this blog’s very existence.
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