Tag Archives: Mental Health

Everyday NhanSense – Day 44

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 44’s Topic: Anger.
Despite all the upside and happy moments as of late, I guess I can’t help but realize I have a bit of anger lingering in my soul. It’s unpleasant, it feels like I am burning up on the inside and the emotional aspect hurts. It outright hurts.

I don’t like being angry. I don’t like being that angry person in the room. Today, I literally yelled out of frustration, like I have been saving it in for too long and it needed to be let loose.

In this sense, anger is something I need to cut out of my life. It’s poison, unhealthy and just damaging to my well-being.

Who in their right mind wants to be angry? Why be mad when you can be glad instead?

That’s right. If you can be happy, you should be. And yet, sometimes, it’s basically unavoidable. Anger just randomly bursts out of me sometimes, catching me off-guard and forcing me to calm the heck down before it gets out of hand.

It’s the No. 1 emotion I am wary of as someone with mood swings. I have seen what anger can do to my father, a person who has struggled with mood swings, especially in regards to containing his anger throughout my whole childhood and then some. So it’s an everyday struggle to keep things from blowing the lid right off, and there are some days I feel like I barely manage to do even this …
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 42

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 42’s Topic: Moving forward.
For this whole month, I have been feeling like I have so much momentum going in my favor.

I got a job, I got out of my mental and emotional slump, I got focused and now I feel like I am moving genuinely forward in this game called life.

What a wonderful feeling!

It’s quite remarkable how I was basically beating myself up for two whole months, just thinking I was completely worthless as a person who deserved all the rotten luck my way. However, fortunately, destiny gave me another shot.

My progress in life stopped to a screeching halt, but now I got the wheels in motion again, even if it’s considered “slow” by society’s standards. This doesn’t get to me anymore, at least when it would break me apart upstairs, because as long as I am not regressing … it’s all good, right?

Let’s just say I was so ready to push the panic button at one point. I could have bailed out on living in this new town at any moment, but I held on. I was frightened. I perceived myself as trapped in the perpetual corner with no option to turn to, but I feel great now. Absolutely great.

I am so thankful I didn’t concede with myself when the going got so tough.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 41

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 41’s Topic: What could have been.
I do wonder often about “what could have been” had life went the way I envisioned it would five years ago.

So what did I have in mind?

Well, the plan was simple. I was going to take the summer off. No summer job or anything. I just wanted to relax. I felt burnt out from school, my senior year at college was just constant stress from working and I felt entitled to an easy summer at home with my family.

Let’s just say I had a lot of time to play video games and watch shows on Netflix. Nothing too exciting. I was a college grad with a diploma in hand. Due to my naive nature, I thought the real world could wait.

After summer, I just wanted to fire off some resumes and start the real job search. Assuming things would fall properly into place, I just felt like in my mind I was a shoo-in for any position I would apply for, which I believe would mean the search could end in a few short months. Tops.

I applied to various positions throughout the state of Washington, focusing on all kinds of newspapers and a few other types of publications such as magazines. I tunnel visioned extremely hard on “journalism only” gigs.

And why wouldn’t I?

I was the third highest position at my college newspaper as a copy chief. The only positions higher were editor-in-chief followed by managing editor. I had experience with other editor positions, was a reporter and participated in all kinds of other types of journalism-type projects for my paper, which included page design.

By all means, I ate, breathed and slept with journalism on the mind. The only thing I wanted was just to be able to call myself a professional journalist. It didn’t matter about the money or anything like that.

At one point, I wholeheartedly trusted everything journalism as a field had to offer for the world, and I saw it as a necessary occupation. I thought I could do my part and be involved with something that has written page-after-page of the world’s history.

I wanted to be a journalist so badly that it hurt. I wanted to be a reporter, an editor … just something that had to do with the journalism industry.

And then reality came to slap me right across the face.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 40

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 40’s Topic: Regret.
It takes a lot of guts to admit something about myself, at least in regards to how I have been for at least four of the past five years.

I have been weak. Outright weak as a person. Weak in terms of willpower. Weak in terms of mental toughness.

Just absurdly weak.

But with that said, I have grown stronger these days, or at least stronger in the sense that I can stand on my own two feet with less help. However, I am still not 100 percent independent quite yet.

A long time ago, in the midst of the worst symptoms of my depression, my weaknesses as a person became evident. What I sought after the most was just comfort, a human voice to calm me down and assure me that everything was A-OK, even though inside my mind I wasn’t quite sure what to believe.

And so, I made a lot of phone calls at my worst.

And I am talking about calls that could last for an hour or longer. These weren’t over in five minutes or anything. These were chunks of time out of someone’s schedule just to hear me blab and cry about my problems.

I regret being so needy. I was certainly a major inconvenience in some respects. I wish I could call up every single person I talked to and apologize, but I don’t think they would want to hear my apologies anyway. They had their fill.

You see, and this is me being honest, it’s not like I wanted to turn my once-called friends into my personal therapists. I had no intention of that. I was a confused, depressed mess. I wanted answers, but perhaps a part of my mind didn’t want to hear what my friends had to say and process it properly.

And so, I called and called around, exhausting the numbers on my phone.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciated the talks with my friends at the time. There were lots of pep talks, lots of “It’s only a phase. You’ll get over it!” kind of discussions and whatnot. I guess above all else, and this is me being frank, I think I just appreciated that these people were willing to listen to me for so long. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 38

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 38’s Topic: Pushing one’s body past that certain threshold.
Gee whiz, it’s like all of the pain and exhaustion I should have felt is catching up to my body all at once. My body is really feeling the aches now. That’s for sure.

At the same time, I have no real choice but to tough it out. And I intend to regardless. It’s not like my body is unraveling or anything, but it’s definitely experiencing some sort of discomfort. I went from having zero hours of work per week to at least full-time hours each week … with about one whole day off thrown into the mix.

There isn’t a lot of rest between each day, so maybe I am just overworking my body as it’s trying to get accustomed to this new routine?

Gosh, I can at least say without a shadow of a doubt that my body has gotten stronger. I have grown sturdier over the years. I used to have trouble working full days multiple times throughout a given week, but I feel like I can keep up this pace if I really put my mind to it.

I mean that it was like really rough for my body. I would often have nosebleeds after my shift because I exerted so much energy. Not anymore, it seems.

And that’s a good thing.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 32

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 32’s Topic: Overcoming unemployment.
To follow up on yesterday’s post, I would like to talk more about that yucky, and oh-so-hated, unemployment word.

Not having a job sucks. There is no sugarcoating it. There really aren’t a lot of ways to justify unemployment when you’re young and need to get some money in the bank to pay the bills. I am perhaps very fortunate that the bills I have to pay are minimal compared to a lot of other people. For instance, my student loan debt is quite low (it’s only four digits long), and I will pay off the rest of the debt without any stress or worry.

Other young people may not be as lucky. There are lots of college grads who leave school with a degree in hand and a mountain of student loan debt looming behind them, just waiting to crash down on them the moment they can’t keep up with the hefty monthly payments with that fixed interest rate. Is it no surprise why some college grads never really pay off the debt in a timely manner?

But what can you do? Well, most people have to get a job. And to follow the reasoning behind getting a college degree, you should get a “good” job that pays enough money to chip away at that student loan debt/other financial responsibilities. Of course, the college degree is supposed to grant you the means of getting that good job because it’s all magical and stuff.

Five years ago, being a naive moron to put it bluntly, I thought I could nab a decent and reasonable job with all the benefits in the first few months. All of my friends and peers at the time seemed to make it look easy, so I thought I was due for my own time to shine.

No sweat, I thought. I was fresh from college, eager and ready to chase after my dreams. Any employer should have welcomed me with open arms. I was just one e-mail or phone call away from getting that fateful interview that would get me ready for a “big boy” job in the real world.

It never happened. I tried. Believe me. I tried and tried. But nothing materialized. I had my chances, but I screwed up here and there.

I could blame it on my social anxiety. I could have blamed it on a lot of things. In reality, it happens. Regardless if you happen to be the best possible candidate for any given position, no matter what field, it happens. Sometimes, as a sad truth, you just slip through the cracks.

Before I sunk into a deep depression, I rejected the possibility of “settling” as some would call it. I didn’t want to waste time doing some random job any person, especially ones without a college degree, could be hired for and replaced.

I thought I was too good for that, and this in itself was part of the problem.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 31

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 31’s Topic: Being unemployed and bouncing back.
Gosh, it’s already been a whole month since I started blogging again. I just enjoy blogging so much!

But yeah, I wish I was able to write this particular post sooner, but a lot of random things happened. The short version of the story was I got kicked out from where I was living two months ago, and then I ended up moving to a new town I had never been to before as an attempt to start over from scratch.

Of course, one major aspect of this move was I needed to quit my current job, which was restaurant work, so I could once again find another random job to tide me over for the start of winter.

At first, I thought I thought it would be a cinch. I came to town with a lot of gumption fueling my willpower, with the feeling that I could find a job in no time without too much of a hassle. This wasn’t about finding a professional job or anything like that. I just needed some kind of gig for survival.

With that said, I had to do the necessary steps of literally walking all over town, focusing mainly on restaurants, to ask if they were hiring, dropping off applications, calling stores and all that jazz. But for two grueling months, basically nothing turned up in my favor. Finding a job is a full-time job in itself, as they say.

Before long, I will admit I was starting to feel the ill effects of not having a job. I will throw out there that this blog’s original creation stemmed from my depression. This depression itself had a lot to do with me struggling to find my dream job as a journalist.

Let’s just say I have done this song and dance many times before, and it was by all means an ugly and disgusting performance. For a whole year and a half initially, I have to add.

You feel worthless, unwanted, a failure, a nobody, you start finding things to blame, you start to hate everything, you start hating yourself … and there’s a whole lot more to add insult to injury. Unemployment is very real. It’s embarrassing. It’s humiliating to go through for the long term, let alone for just the two months I endured. It was hell. Straight up hell.

But I survived. Albeit barely. 
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