The 54th Deadline: A Different Story


The 54th Deadline: I find the challenge in life is realizing how wonderful it really is at times.

Hi there. It’s me again.

I actually just got my computer back from the shop. Luckily, it wasn’t anything serious. The power supply broke down and had to be replaced. Regardless, not having my main computer for a while naturally forced me into a situation where I couldn’t work on my side projects directly while this computer was being fixed.

My main concern was whether the main files were lost, but that worry has gone away. It’s back to business. But what does that mean?

I have reached a point where I am somewhat disappointed with myself. I just feel like I am dawdling when so much progress could have been made, but alas things aren’t that easy for someone like me. Heck, it took literally years before I reclaimed my sense of independence, at least in terms of just moving out and living on my own.

You know. Adult decisions.

Buying my own groceries.

Paying my rent.

Realizing I need to buy those random products such as toothpaste or garbage bags when I start running out.

They’re the little things you overlook when you’re living with mommy and daddy. I should know firsthand. There was a point where I do believe I lost a lot of my mental maturity (at least it has felt like that) after staying at home, living rent-free and just essentially acting like an overgrown kid who couldn’t take care of himself.

That was certainly a rough time for me. I didn’t know if I could ever snap out of it. I didn’t know if I would be able to pick up the pieces when my confidence shattered all over the place.

I lost myself. I lost friends. I gained weight. I lost a lot of time just trying to “heal” something that couldn’t be cured in a day.

Simply put, it sucked. It sucked being an unemployed, naive college grad with a lot to prove.

I hated myself back then, but nowadays I probably just pity that weaker version of me for not having the gumption to overcome that kind of setback.

However, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am right now without going through that pain and misery. In a way, it was all a necessary, though unpleasant, experience. It just took a long time before the message sunk in so I could grow and learn from it all. And I am still learning. That’s the interesting part about this whole journey.

You just need to keep learning. You need to keep soaking up more knowledge until everything makes sense. I definitely want to make sure my life ends up a different story, in a good way, of course.
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The 54th Deadline: Thoughts


The 54th Deadline: There are always more chances than you realize to overcome challenges.

Lately, I have had various thoughts circulating.

As you can see, I am currently in the process of (once again) restructuring the look of this blog. At times, I wonder if I am just too unfocused to have a cohesive design and layout. I feel like I am just such a mess in this regard.

For now, I will keep this blog template in place, tweak a few things here and there probably and then finally decide on how this blog should look when I get my head on straight.

On one hand, I feel like I should just have this blog be about Dota 2, as I do play the game a lot. Well, it’s the game I try to play when I find time, but money needs to be made. And for money to be made, I need to spend more time working than I can invest in just playing.

But I suppose this is the better alternative than just sitting around all day, being unemployed and just letting time pass by me looking at a computer screen without anything really being achieved. Trust me. I have been down this path before. It isn’t pretty. Nope. It’s an extremely ugly, unappealing existence.

On the other hand, I do want to talk more about my dreaded “depression” topic. After all, and I say this a lot, so please bear with me. Without suffering the worst of the depression symptoms years ago, this blog wouldn’t exist. Heck, I wouldn’t have invested so much effort into this blog if I was truly that sad and miserable about my life at that point.

Nonetheless, I am glad I have this blog to my name. It’s special to me. Truly, truly special to me. I just think I have been too much of a spaz when it comes to blogging as consistently as I once did even half a year ago. Yet, and I say this with complete honesty, it had to be done.

I was losing control, as well as interest, of what was important to me. This blog used to be very high on my priority list to maintain. I felt obligated to churn out some kind of post to anyone willing to read my various thoughts and ramblings.

And I realize that sometimes a lot of things I write about don’t really appeal to a lot of people. There was a phase in this blog’s existence where I spoke heavily about anime and other random topics. Of course, times have changed.

At the moment, I can say I am not as into certain things as I once was. It’s sad, really. I thought I would never outgrow certain things, but I guess we all do end up changing in some shape or form as we get older.

Don’t get me wrong. I find myself occasionally watching an anime episode here and there, but it’s so seldom that I don’t even count it as anything meaningful. I used to binge-watch shows for hours on end, but it’s been a long while since I have done that with the same kind of geeky zeal that kept me glued to my seat, just staring at the screen without any regard to everything else around me.

But that was then. This is now.

Thoughts. So many thoughts. So many different ones that I don’t know what to follow, let alone believe in as my driving force. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Stalled Countdown

aircrafts uniform army gloves military indoors original purple hair red eyes hangar anime girls 5_www.wallpaperfo.com_60
The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
As I write this, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I can’t quite seem to let it all out.

It’s one particularly odd thing about my personal “depression” from the get-go – I haven’t been really able to cry. I feel like I have kept a lot of inner turmoil inside, and it has just been building up and building up, but it just can’t seem to find its way out of my system.

It’s wimpy to admit it, but I guess deep down I want to bawl my eyes out. I really force myself, but it’s not working. And hence, I believe a lot of my hopes and dreams have stalled this countdown in life. I know the launch has been on hold for so long.

I should have blasted off toward “greatness” by now, but something keeps finding its way into my life to delay it even further. Am I making excuses? Am I being irrational?

JUST WHAT IS IT? What’s wrong? Why can’t I just get a clear answer from the universe?

I make so many small strides, but I never can’t go the complete distance to reach that next threshold. It’s always some kind of forward progress, but how much more forward progress do I need to get through?

Perhaps at this point, I feel exhausted and impatient with it all. After all, it’s been five years and counting. Fives years of ups and downs. Five years mixed with misery and happiness.

Sigh, depression is a real drag to overcome, don’t you think? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Forward, Albeit Slow, Progress

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
There are those days where I wonder what would have happened if I played my cards differently.

Hindsight, after all, is always going to outline the “superior” approach, at least on paper. That’s a given. I am someone who is extremely guilty of letting himself be constantly stuck in the past in some fashion. Part of me knows I should just let go of the various, and often painful, memories that continue to haunt me. I wish it could be that simple.

I wonder what price I would pay if I could just wipe and erase those particular awful feelings once and for all. Like, poof! No more. Gone. History.

That would be so delightful. Just absolutely wonderful.

Literally years after all of the bad stuff has since done its damage, it’s like some of these particular wounds will never fully heal. Or so I think. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: One Catalyst Short

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
I always feel like I am one catalyst short from putting it all together.

A catalyst here and there makes a difference. It means something is starting, combining, changing and, most importantly, becoming an entirely different thing when it’s all finished.

However, a large part of being one catalyst short means I am missing something to help me reach my next stage, so to speak.

It’s frustrating. Extremely frustrating.
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The 54th Deadline: Helping Hand

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
I am someone who has lost his fair share of helping hands over the years. At first, people are often willing to stretch out their hands and offer whatever aid they can. However, there comes a point where they feel more and more reluctant to do so. Help can only go so far.

I have learned this about myself over the years. I was at times an extremely needy person. A weak individual. Just someone you didn’t want to be around out of fear of being sucked into my myriad of personal problems.

But at my worst state, I begged for help every step of the way. I received a lot of temporary relief, brief reassurance that everything would be OK, but a lot of it would fade away and the cycle would repeat itself all over again.

And so what could I do? I asked for further help. I sought after helping hands to pull me out of whatever downward spiral I had found myself caught in for a given bout with doubt.

Before I knew it, a lot of my former friends and peers over time just didn’t want to interact with me anymore. Not because they hated me or anything like that. If anything, it was because I was turning into a walking cesspool of negativity. And quite frankly, I can accept this nowadays as a reasonable answer.

One day, I just felt super deserted. I thought everyone around me was disappearing from my corner. In reality, I had created this sense of desolation for myself. I thought my problems were too overwhelming. Sure, at times, I thought I could never overcome anything that had set itself in front of me.

Quite frankly, again, I was a weakling. I was downright pathetic. And it showed.

I couldn’t rely on much of anyone after a certain point. It was basically just a one-on-one bout with everything that had stifled my progress in life.

It sucked.

But I got through one obstacle after another. Somehow, anyway. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Remember the Name

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
Once again, I have been faced with another crossroad in my life to determine my next path in this complex and unforgiving journey. This one’s a doozy, to boot.

I haven’t felt quite “right” for a while now. It’s hard to explain without sounding pessimistic, mopey or whatever you want to call it. Basically, I don’t feel like myself.

Certain things don’t appeal to me as much anymore. Certain activities aren’t as fun. Certain interests seem less exciting.

Whether it’s watching anime or playing video games, I just feel like a part of me is out of place from within my very soul. It’s disheartening, for sure, when you feel a bit broken from the inside out. As if a gear is out of place, I seemingly can move on with my day-to-day operations, but something isn’t making me feel, well, happy so to speak.

It sucks. It just really sucks because I want to enjoy life. I want to feel content about my situation. I want to feel like I am making some actual progress toward where I need to be. At the same time, I would be lying to myself if I wasn’t honest upfront about my emotional state.

I wish it were something more obvious. For instance, let’s say I got into an accident and couldn’t walk anymore. Let’s say I would need a wheelchair to get around for the rest of my days. That would be something I could understand at face value. There wouldn’t be anything hidden or mysterious. I would just be handicapped and unable to walk.

But for this particular, and quite ambiguous I have to add, personal problem from within, I just can’t label what it is and be done with it. I just don’t really know what it is, and I am just uncertain if I will ever figure it out soon.

Could it be another bout with depression?

Is it something along this line?

Could it be pent-up rage? Sadness?

I really wish I knew, but this is why I feel prompted to change some elements of what I am all about, at least for the time being.

“Get good. Be better.”

It was a really simple message. You get good at something, then you strive to be better.

And for me, this entailed a lot of random facets. I wanted to get good at cooking for instance, and of course I wanted to elevate my skills toward super chef status.

For a long while, this has been this blog’s motto. However, I felt like I needed to change it to, “Remember the name.”
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