“I believe your greatest enemy is the one you look at the mirror every single day.”
I am my own worst enemy.
It’s a fact I have to accept. Otherwise, life wouldn’t be able to advance for me.
The less I fight it, the more I can tolerate constantly “clashing” with myself. Over and over again. It seems almost nonstop, but I know it’s been me dictating the pace throughout the years.
I have clashed with myself since the beginning of this difficult journey. I hate how I have let this go on for so long, but at the same time… It seems ultimately necessary at this point in the game.
I could have nipped this problem in the bud when I saw the first few signs of bad stuff to come. Because I didn’t, everything was allowed to manifest into something vile and unstable.
It didn’t help that I was already at my wit’s end. It also didn’t help that I was too incompetent to resist and overcome the negativity early on when I still had some real fight left in me.
Instead, I buckled under the pressure. I crumbled piece-by-piece from within, and the remains just sat idle until I forced myself to rebuild the foundation. It took me a long time before I could say I had scrounged up some real hope for myself, something that I could cling to for dear life as the wake of the depressing storm cleared up.
In many regards, I am happy for myself. I am proud that I stayed diligent throughout my ongoing recovery. Nonetheless, slow progress doesn’t seem like it’s enough anymore. And that’s the part that scares me. I clash with myself endlessly at times. I am torn by conflicted thoughts and emotions.
Perhaps I yearn for an easy solution, a reasonable remedy that cures what ails me. But for that to be possible, I assume I would have found it by now.
And thus, I continue to clash with myself over random topics.
My direction in life.
My feelings toward people.
My sense of purpose.
My overall well-being.
All of this, from within, feels scattered and disorganized. I feel like I am borderline lying with myself at times as to what should be what.
At worst, I become “stuck” with what needs to be said or done. As a consequence, however, this process becomes further delayed. It is an odd situation. By all means, it is an awkward situation that makes things harder for me than they should be.