The 54th Deadline: Always Looking Back


The 54th Deadline: If only I could always keep my eyes looking toward the future. Seriously.

There are many days where I wish I could “turn off” the past in my mind. I feel like I am reminded of it every day constantly. It seems there is no way for me to block it off mentally, at least with anything short of me suffering from full-blown amnesia.

There have been plenty of good memories, and certainly there have been many bad and horrible ones as well, but the major issue is how I find myself always anchored because of what is behind me.

I want to move forward. I want to dash toward my next stage in life. I want to get there as fast as I can, and yet here I am just moving along so slowly. This snail-like pace has bothered me, but at the same time I realize it’s life’s way of forcing me to be ever patient.

My time will come. At least, I hope so anyway.

Obviously, there should be some eagerness to achieve the next big thing. I want to advance. I want to evolve. I want to grow as a person.

Ultimately, I want to thrive, be happy and all that jazz. If I have to look at it in another way, I guess I can’t really go from point A to point (?) without experiencing everything in between, right?

Still, I look back like I can’t take my eyes off what has happened to me. I know I am inching along with plenty of forward progress, but it’s become an unwanted habit of being obsessed with what has lain behind me for literally five years and counting.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let it go? Why can’t I just accept what’s done is done and just carry on without a second thought?

I am always looking back. I am always looking at what has happened as opposed to focusing on what’s ahead of me. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: A Different Story


The 54th Deadline: I find the challenge in life is realizing how wonderful it really is at times.

Hi there. It’s me again.

I actually just got my computer back from the shop. Luckily, it wasn’t anything serious. The power supply broke down and had to be replaced. Regardless, not having my main computer for a while naturally forced me into a situation where I couldn’t work on my side projects directly while this computer was being fixed.

My main concern was whether the main files were lost, but that worry has gone away. It’s back to business. But what does that mean?

I have reached a point where I am somewhat disappointed with myself. I just feel like I am dawdling when so much progress could have been made, but alas things aren’t that easy for someone like me. Heck, it took literally years before I reclaimed my sense of independence, at least in terms of just moving out and living on my own.

You know. Adult decisions.

Buying my own groceries.

Paying my rent.

Realizing I need to buy those random products such as toothpaste or garbage bags when I start running out.

They’re the little things you overlook when you’re living with mommy and daddy. I should know firsthand. There was a point where I do believe I lost a lot of my mental maturity (at least it has felt like that) after staying at home, living rent-free and just essentially acting like an overgrown kid who couldn’t take care of himself.

That was certainly a rough time for me. I didn’t know if I could ever snap out of it. I didn’t know if I would be able to pick up the pieces when my confidence shattered all over the place.

I lost myself. I lost friends. I gained weight. I lost a lot of time just trying to “heal” something that couldn’t be cured in a day.

Simply put, it sucked. It sucked being an unemployed, naive college grad with a lot to prove.

I hated myself back then, but nowadays I probably just pity that weaker version of me for not having the gumption to overcome that kind of setback.

However, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am right now without going through that pain and misery. In a way, it was all a necessary, though unpleasant, experience. It just took a long time before the message sunk in so I could grow and learn from it all. And I am still learning. That’s the interesting part about this whole journey.

You just need to keep learning. You need to keep soaking up more knowledge until everything makes sense. I definitely want to make sure my life ends up a different story, in a good way, of course.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Rejuvenating a Drained Soul

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
The past few weeks have stirred up further frustration about my whole “life” situation and all. On the plus side, things have improved by a lot. I am by all means in a better spot than I was a few years ago. I am not rich, but I can more or less take care of myself to a decent degree.

But on the other side of the coin, part of me is horribly discontent with the current state. I feel like I want more than what I currently have to my name, and I have just grown quite impatient with waiting and waiting for something more noteworthy to pop up.

Regardless, I have to stay on this course. Deep down, I know it’s the correct move.

There is no buried treasure I can unearth in the yard to fix my financial problems. There is no magic lamp I can rub to call up something to wish away all of my pain and troubles. I have to tough it out, as aggravating and taxing as it may be, until I can advance to the next stage in this long-winded “recovery” plan I have forced myself to undergo for a while now.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Stalled Countdown

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
As I write this, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I can’t quite seem to let it all out.

It’s one particularly odd thing about my personal “depression” from the get-go – I haven’t been really able to cry. I feel like I have kept a lot of inner turmoil inside, and it has just been building up and building up, but it just can’t seem to find its way out of my system.

It’s wimpy to admit it, but I guess deep down I want to bawl my eyes out. I really force myself, but it’s not working. And hence, I believe a lot of my hopes and dreams have stalled this countdown in life. I know the launch has been on hold for so long.

I should have blasted off toward “greatness” by now, but something keeps finding its way into my life to delay it even further. Am I making excuses? Am I being irrational?

JUST WHAT IS IT? What’s wrong? Why can’t I just get a clear answer from the universe?

I make so many small strides, but I never can’t go the complete distance to reach that next threshold. It’s always some kind of forward progress, but how much more forward progress do I need to get through?

Perhaps at this point, I feel exhausted and impatient with it all. After all, it’s been five years and counting. Fives years of ups and downs. Five years mixed with misery and happiness.

Sigh, depression is a real drag to overcome, don’t you think? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Forward, Albeit Slow, Progress

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
There are those days where I wonder what would have happened if I played my cards differently.

Hindsight, after all, is always going to outline the “superior” approach, at least on paper. That’s a given. I am someone who is extremely guilty of letting himself be constantly stuck in the past in some fashion. Part of me knows I should just let go of the various, and often painful, memories that continue to haunt me. I wish it could be that simple.

I wonder what price I would pay if I could just wipe and erase those particular awful feelings once and for all. Like, poof! No more. Gone. History.

That would be so delightful. Just absolutely wonderful.

Literally years after all of the bad stuff has since done its damage, it’s like some of these particular wounds will never fully heal. Or so I think. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: One Catalyst Short

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
I always feel like I am one catalyst short from putting it all together.

A catalyst here and there makes a difference. It means something is starting, combining, changing and, most importantly, becoming an entirely different thing when it’s all finished.

However, a large part of being one catalyst short means I am missing something to help me reach my next stage, so to speak.

It’s frustrating. Extremely frustrating.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Facing Fear

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
I have been a horrible coward for far too long.

The fact is, a large reason why this very blog exists stems from a lot of fear and insecurity. I didn’t know, at least at the time, how to face my fears when they showed themselves before me.

Bit by bit, I let all of the bad stuff happen to me. One meltdown after another. Each inner struggle manifested into something worse, eventually piling up into a mountain of personal problems.

And as a result, I have to be somewhat understanding. Without all of that, this blog wouldn’t have been so elaborate, so detailed and so filled with various thoughts and ideas floating around from my mind.

Fear is powerful, after all. One should never underestimate it.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I was Mr. Courageous prior to this blog. If anything, I was always leaning toward the meek side. I didn’t like conflict or confrontations. I wanted to stay inside of my own bubble and let the world pass me by, or at least this was the “old” me.

Without the security of said bubble, I was a hapless, ridiculously weak individual who was left to fend for himself for the first time in his dang life. Continue reading