The 54th Deadline: A Different Story


The 54th Deadline: I find the challenge in life is realizing how wonderful it really is at times.

Hi there. It’s me again.

I actually just got my computer back from the shop. Luckily, it wasn’t anything serious. The power supply broke down and had to be replaced. Regardless, not having my main computer for a while naturally forced me into a situation where I couldn’t work on my side projects directly while this computer was being fixed.

My main concern was whether the main files were lost, but that worry has gone away. It’s back to business. But what does that mean?

I have reached a point where I am somewhat disappointed with myself. I just feel like I am dawdling when so much progress could have been made, but alas things aren’t that easy for someone like me. Heck, it took literally years before I reclaimed my sense of independence, at least in terms of just moving out and living on my own.

You know. Adult decisions.

Buying my own groceries.

Paying my rent.

Realizing I need to buy those random products such as toothpaste or garbage bags when I start running out.

They’re the little things you overlook when you’re living with mommy and daddy. I should know firsthand. There was a point where I do believe I lost a lot of my mental maturity (at least it has felt like that) after staying at home, living rent-free and just essentially acting like an overgrown kid who couldn’t take care of himself.

That was certainly a rough time for me. I didn’t know if I could ever snap out of it. I didn’t know if I would be able to pick up the pieces when my confidence shattered all over the place.

I lost myself. I lost friends. I gained weight. I lost a lot of time just trying to “heal” something that couldn’t be cured in a day.

Simply put, it sucked. It sucked being an unemployed, naive college grad with a lot to prove.

I hated myself back then, but nowadays I probably just pity that weaker version of me for not having the gumption to overcome that kind of setback.

However, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am right now without going through that pain and misery. In a way, it was all a necessary, though unpleasant, experience. It just took a long time before the message sunk in so I could grow and learn from it all. And I am still learning. That’s the interesting part about this whole journey.

You just need to keep learning. You need to keep soaking up more knowledge until everything makes sense. I definitely want to make sure my life ends up a different story, in a good way, of course.
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The 54th Deadline: Thoughts


The 54th Deadline: There are always more chances than you realize to overcome challenges.

Lately, I have had various thoughts circulating.

As you can see, I am currently in the process of (once again) restructuring the look of this blog. At times, I wonder if I am just too unfocused to have a cohesive design and layout. I feel like I am just such a mess in this regard.

For now, I will keep this blog template in place, tweak a few things here and there probably and then finally decide on how this blog should look when I get my head on straight.

On one hand, I feel like I should just have this blog be about Dota 2, as I do play the game a lot. Well, it’s the game I try to play when I find time, but money needs to be made. And for money to be made, I need to spend more time working than I can invest in just playing.

But I suppose this is the better alternative than just sitting around all day, being unemployed and just letting time pass by me looking at a computer screen without anything really being achieved. Trust me. I have been down this path before. It isn’t pretty. Nope. It’s an extremely ugly, unappealing existence.

On the other hand, I do want to talk more about my dreaded “depression” topic. After all, and I say this a lot, so please bear with me. Without suffering the worst of the depression symptoms years ago, this blog wouldn’t exist. Heck, I wouldn’t have invested so much effort into this blog if I was truly that sad and miserable about my life at that point.

Nonetheless, I am glad I have this blog to my name. It’s special to me. Truly, truly special to me. I just think I have been too much of a spaz when it comes to blogging as consistently as I once did even half a year ago. Yet, and I say this with complete honesty, it had to be done.

I was losing control, as well as interest, of what was important to me. This blog used to be very high on my priority list to maintain. I felt obligated to churn out some kind of post to anyone willing to read my various thoughts and ramblings.

And I realize that sometimes a lot of things I write about don’t really appeal to a lot of people. There was a phase in this blog’s existence where I spoke heavily about anime and other random topics. Of course, times have changed.

At the moment, I can say I am not as into certain things as I once was. It’s sad, really. I thought I would never outgrow certain things, but I guess we all do end up changing in some shape or form as we get older.

Don’t get me wrong. I find myself occasionally watching an anime episode here and there, but it’s so seldom that I don’t even count it as anything meaningful. I used to binge-watch shows for hours on end, but it’s been a long while since I have done that with the same kind of geeky zeal that kept me glued to my seat, just staring at the screen without any regard to everything else around me.

But that was then. This is now.

Thoughts. So many thoughts. So many different ones that I don’t know what to follow, let alone believe in as my driving force. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Rejuvenating a Drained Soul

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
The past few weeks have stirred up further frustration about my whole “life” situation and all. On the plus side, things have improved by a lot. I am by all means in a better spot than I was a few years ago. I am not rich, but I can more or less take care of myself to a decent degree.

But on the other side of the coin, part of me is horribly discontent with the current state. I feel like I want more than what I currently have to my name, and I have just grown quite impatient with waiting and waiting for something more noteworthy to pop up.

Regardless, I have to stay on this course. Deep down, I know it’s the correct move.

There is no buried treasure I can unearth in the yard to fix my financial problems. There is no magic lamp I can rub to call up something to wish away all of my pain and troubles. I have to tough it out, as aggravating and taxing as it may be, until I can advance to the next stage in this long-winded “recovery” plan I have forced myself to undergo for a while now.
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The 54th Deadline: Forward, Albeit Slow, Progress

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
There are those days where I wonder what would have happened if I played my cards differently.

Hindsight, after all, is always going to outline the “superior” approach, at least on paper. That’s a given. I am someone who is extremely guilty of letting himself be constantly stuck in the past in some fashion. Part of me knows I should just let go of the various, and often painful, memories that continue to haunt me. I wish it could be that simple.

I wonder what price I would pay if I could just wipe and erase those particular awful feelings once and for all. Like, poof! No more. Gone. History.

That would be so delightful. Just absolutely wonderful.

Literally years after all of the bad stuff has since done its damage, it’s like some of these particular wounds will never fully heal. Or so I think. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Helping Hand

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
I am someone who has lost his fair share of helping hands over the years. At first, people are often willing to stretch out their hands and offer whatever aid they can. However, there comes a point where they feel more and more reluctant to do so. Help can only go so far.

I have learned this about myself over the years. I was at times an extremely needy person. A weak individual. Just someone you didn’t want to be around out of fear of being sucked into my myriad of personal problems.

But at my worst state, I begged for help every step of the way. I received a lot of temporary relief, brief reassurance that everything would be OK, but a lot of it would fade away and the cycle would repeat itself all over again.

And so what could I do? I asked for further help. I sought after helping hands to pull me out of whatever downward spiral I had found myself caught in for a given bout with doubt.

Before I knew it, a lot of my former friends and peers over time just didn’t want to interact with me anymore. Not because they hated me or anything like that. If anything, it was because I was turning into a walking cesspool of negativity. And quite frankly, I can accept this nowadays as a reasonable answer.

One day, I just felt super deserted. I thought everyone around me was disappearing from my corner. In reality, I had created this sense of desolation for myself. I thought my problems were too overwhelming. Sure, at times, I thought I could never overcome anything that had set itself in front of me.

Quite frankly, again, I was a weakling. I was downright pathetic. And it showed.

I couldn’t rely on much of anyone after a certain point. It was basically just a one-on-one bout with everything that had stifled my progress in life.

It sucked.

But I got through one obstacle after another. Somehow, anyway. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Death’s Reminder

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
Life, you really want to keep tacking on once again another catalyst, another wake-up call for me, to get into action. Don’t you? Don’t you?!

So yesterday at work, I found out a coworker of mine literally died. Straight up, he died the other night.

I worked with this coworker just last weekend, and now he is gone. Needless to say, I was pretty rattled yesterday.

Though I was not great friends with him by any means, I thought my coworker was a good guy. He worked hard and always had a great attitude about everything. Outside from the restaurant, I didn’t know much about him. I knew he had a bit of trouble with the law, but he clearly was getting his act together for a long while.

Like me, he was on his own respective journey to salvage his life.

Such a shame. Such a shame.

Life certainly is too short. We take it for granted, and then poof! It ends.

You don’t think about death until it pops up out of the blue. For the past day, I have thought about my own mortality. Have I done enough with my own existence?

Ultimately, I have concluded a startling “no” at this point in the game.

I have not done enough. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Opening Up

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
There are days where I contemplate how much persistence, patience and energy I have invested toward my own “recovery” and why I haven’t quite solved all of the mysteries yet. Then again, I realize some damage is difficult to heal, and I certainly have sustained and suffered my share of problems throughout the years.

I count my blessings. I ponder about the possibilities. I think back about all that has hurt me and why I continue to dwell on stuff I should have let go completely from long ago. But regardless of what I do and what I shouldn’t do, life continues.

This is the fact we all have to acknowledge.

Life continues. And it will always do so until the end of time.

Sure, my life within these past five years have had a lot of crummy (OK, absurdly horrid) defeats in the form a lot of self-loathing and whatnot. And sure, I have had made my share of attempts at finding success in overcoming said defeats.

But of course, this is why people call it a struggle. It’s not like you can unwind everything and put it all back in its place in a nice and neat fashion. Oh heck no! That would be too easy.

The word I often say a lot now is “process,” a word that definitely reflects a lot about my current endeavors in life.

I have been undergoing a process at bettering myself. I don’t always make all the right moves. Trust me. I have made more blunders than anything else, and yet I keep taking cracks at it until things slowly move toward the direction I want it to go.B2XDebDCIAAtwNj

But is it ever enough? That’s the big question I keep asking myself.

Take these past few days, for instance. I realize the place I am living in has little to no furniture. Like, come on! I know I am not that wealthy at the moment to afford splurging on nice chairs and tables.

Keep in mind I am someone who spent a few months eating his meals off of a tub, a literal tub, where I placed a paper towel on to keep the surface clean. And not to mention, this tub was what I used to sit by the computer as well.

Was I being resourceful with what I had (I was, by all means, super poor at the time), or was I just not smart about it?
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