Tag Archives: Inspirational

Everyday NhanSense – Day 40

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 40’s Topic: Regret.
It takes a lot of guts to admit something about myself, at least in regards to how I have been for at least four of the past five years.

I have been weak. Outright weak as a person. Weak in terms of willpower. Weak in terms of mental toughness.

Just absurdly weak.

But with that said, I have grown stronger these days, or at least stronger in the sense that I can stand on my own two feet with less help. However, I am still not 100 percent independent quite yet.

A long time ago, in the midst of the worst symptoms of my depression, my weaknesses as a person became evident. What I sought after the most was just comfort, a human voice to calm me down and assure me that everything was A-OK, even though inside my mind I wasn’t quite sure what to believe.

And so, I made a lot of phone calls at my worst.

And I am talking about calls that could last for an hour or longer. These weren’t over in five minutes or anything. These were chunks of time out of someone’s schedule just to hear me blab and cry about my problems.

I regret being so needy. I was certainly a major inconvenience in some respects. I wish I could call up every single person I talked to and apologize, but I don’t think they would want to hear my apologies anyway. They had their fill.

You see, and this is me being honest, it’s not like I wanted to turn my once-called friends into my personal therapists. I had no intention of that. I was a confused, depressed mess. I wanted answers, but perhaps a part of my mind didn’t want to hear what my friends had to say and process it properly.

And so, I called and called around, exhausting the numbers on my phone.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciated the talks with my friends at the time. There were lots of pep talks, lots of “It’s only a phase. You’ll get over it!” kind of discussions and whatnot. I guess above all else, and this is me being frank, I think I just appreciated that these people were willing to listen to me for so long. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 38

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 38’s Topic: Pushing one’s body past that certain threshold.
Gee whiz, it’s like all of the pain and exhaustion I should have felt is catching up to my body all at once. My body is really feeling the aches now. That’s for sure.

At the same time, I have no real choice but to tough it out. And I intend to regardless. It’s not like my body is unraveling or anything, but it’s definitely experiencing some sort of discomfort. I went from having zero hours of work per week to at least full-time hours each week … with about one whole day off thrown into the mix.

There isn’t a lot of rest between each day, so maybe I am just overworking my body as it’s trying to get accustomed to this new routine?

Gosh, I can at least say without a shadow of a doubt that my body has gotten stronger. I have grown sturdier over the years. I used to have trouble working full days multiple times throughout a given week, but I feel like I can keep up this pace if I really put my mind to it.

I mean that it was like really rough for my body. I would often have nosebleeds after my shift because I exerted so much energy. Not anymore, it seems.

And that’s a good thing.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 35

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 35’s Topic: Finding the right friends.
Throughout my life, I have always had my group of friends. They may not have been many in number by any means, but I always appreciated having that particular group to call my own. I’ll admit I can be a bit of a social oddball in my own ways, so it was like I was always that square piece trying to fit into into what society deemed as the “proper circle.”

Basically, it has always been a mini-challenge to wedge myself into social structures and mingle with others confidently. Regardless, I have managed.

Take high school for instance. I bounced around during lunch time with a lot of groups.

The kids who ate lunch in the parking lot.

The other kids who took honor classes like me.

Some sports groups.

The card-playing groups.

There were days I couldn’t tell you why I decided to eat with a certain group for whatever reason. But looking back, I guess my favorite group was honestly just a certain group of friends.

I’ll admit it. We were geeks. We talked a lot about anime, video games and a bunch of other topics that high schoolers would be called dorks for, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed eating lunch with them and just being able to hold conversations without stammering.

What can I say? I fit in perfectly. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 34

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 34’s Topic: Determination.
Time to get the game face on!

With stability in place of a job to pay the bills and the means of actually taking care of myself like an adult, AKA I don’t have to starve anymore like some grueling nights I had to endure, I can finally start to plan for the immediate future in terms of projects and ambitions.

The past two months tested my limits, forced me to rethink my life from the ground up and above all else made me grow up and fast. Those random things you take for granted like shelter and food don’t seem like much until you’re backed up to a wall with limited options.

Nonetheless, that particular part of the storm has passed. It’s time to move forward with my various plans.

The first order of business is just to establish some sense of consistency throughout the week. A little structure goes a long way, after all. I have made it a habit to do things like write a blog post every evening at a certain time to acclimate myself, mainly so I don’t become lazy as a writer. Hey now, it’s worked so far, right?

On top of that, I now sleep and wake up at roughly the same times, so that stupid insomnia issue is basically taken care of for now. But now, I have to base my life around my work schedule, using my free time to chip away at my projects and planning.

Some writing here. Some research here. A little bit of this. A little bit more of that.

This ensures I can get stuff done to feel accomplished without overwhelming myself. As a reminder, that sense of “willpower” is a finite resource within the human body. You can’t just go autopilot and not expend willpower. It’s always going to be used, but sometimes you can scrape by with stretching it around, otherwise you will burn out.

It’s always a good time to feel determined! Here is some inspirational music to complement that determined attitude!

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Everyday NhanSense – Day 32

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 32’s Topic: Overcoming unemployment.
To follow up on yesterday’s post, I would like to talk more about that yucky, and oh-so-hated, unemployment word.

Not having a job sucks. There is no sugarcoating it. There really aren’t a lot of ways to justify unemployment when you’re young and need to get some money in the bank to pay the bills. I am perhaps very fortunate that the bills I have to pay are minimal compared to a lot of other people. For instance, my student loan debt is quite low (it’s only four digits long), and I will pay off the rest of the debt without any stress or worry.

Other young people may not be as lucky. There are lots of college grads who leave school with a degree in hand and a mountain of student loan debt looming behind them, just waiting to crash down on them the moment they can’t keep up with the hefty monthly payments with that fixed interest rate. Is it no surprise why some college grads never really pay off the debt in a timely manner?

But what can you do? Well, most people have to get a job. And to follow the reasoning behind getting a college degree, you should get a “good” job that pays enough money to chip away at that student loan debt/other financial responsibilities. Of course, the college degree is supposed to grant you the means of getting that good job because it’s all magical and stuff.

Five years ago, being a naive moron to put it bluntly, I thought I could nab a decent and reasonable job with all the benefits in the first few months. All of my friends and peers at the time seemed to make it look easy, so I thought I was due for my own time to shine.

No sweat, I thought. I was fresh from college, eager and ready to chase after my dreams. Any employer should have welcomed me with open arms. I was just one e-mail or phone call away from getting that fateful interview that would get me ready for a “big boy” job in the real world.

It never happened. I tried. Believe me. I tried and tried. But nothing materialized. I had my chances, but I screwed up here and there.

I could blame it on my social anxiety. I could have blamed it on a lot of things. In reality, it happens. Regardless if you happen to be the best possible candidate for any given position, no matter what field, it happens. Sometimes, as a sad truth, you just slip through the cracks.

Before I sunk into a deep depression, I rejected the possibility of “settling” as some would call it. I didn’t want to waste time doing some random job any person, especially ones without a college degree, could be hired for and replaced.

I thought I was too good for that, and this in itself was part of the problem.
Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 22

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 22’s Topic: Brainstorming.
First off, I want to throw out some apologies in case some of my blog posts this past week in particular have been a bit too dour or anything like that. I would like to pretend that everything is A-OK for me at the moment, but they’re not. Things suck, so I don’t want to sugarcoat it.

It’s something I have picked up over the years. When the going gets tough, hiding from your problems doesn’t make the issues disappear. They still will be waiting for you at the end of the day, unless of course you do something about them.

During those particular days where a lot of my options are exhausted, it goes back to something I keep telling myself – “Spend more time brewing and less time brooding.” If you have the time and energy to sulk, feel depressed or whatever negative-filled activity you could subject yourself through, don’t.

Instead, and this is a big INSTEAD, convert those grim feelings toward something productive and positive.

For instance, a random thing I have found myself doing a lot in the past two months is just getting an old-fashioned notebook and then jotting things down by pen. Oh my gosh! It’s so retro! Writing something by hand!

How absurd … How absurd!

But hey, whatever works will suffice. That’s the way I see it.

Anyway, I find myself just scribbling random notes and tidbits down all the time. It could just be simple plans for the next day or they could be me brainstorming stuff up for various concepts I want to develop or pursue.

And other times, they’re just little notes like the one below.

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Everyday NhanSense – Day 17

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 17’s Topic: Exhaustion.
I am exhausted. Just so darn, terribly exhausted.

Each day, I can tell my body is running out of gas, using up all the inner fuel from the tank as I try to squeak by on what’s left in reserve. Aside from not eating right (there are days where I just consume one junk food-filled meal, and that’s it), I am not sleeping well either. Combined together, I know I am setting myself for a big breakdown at this rate.

Not good. Nope. Definitely not good at all.

From the outside looking in, perhaps people would be quick to say, “Gosh, Nhan, you sure like punishing yourself.”

And to that, I have to say that they’re wrong. It’s not like I am a masochist or anything because that would imply I like seeing myself punished in this manner, day in and day out. Instead, I guess I would rather perceive it as me paying the price in a sense, and until I am content with “learning the hard way,” the pain train isn’t going to stop heading my direction anytime soon.
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