The 54th Deadline: Contrast


The 54th Deadline: To head toward the light, one must spend some time in the darkness.

There are many days that occur where I find myself experiencing the “other” side of me.

One who is mean.

One who is not as forgiving.

One who is not as thoughtful.

Before I go any further, basically, I like to think I can fathom and accept that this other me is very prevalent in lots of regards. I don’t choose to pretend or ignore this side of me. It’s very much a part of me as how a coin shares two sides. It can’t be helped. It’s how things are.

If anything, this other side of me just became more obvious when I sunk to my lowest point half a decade ago, where all I had left at rock bottom was just my self-pity and the other me who couldn’t help but feel a lot of negative things.





Toss in a lot more hostile, ire-inducing words and you get the idea. It’s the other side of me who hasn’t let go off all of the escalating pain and frustration that naturally built up over time.

On one hand, I felt like an empty husk in a sense. However, the other side of me just kept accumulating more and more reasons to hate. More reasons to attempt justifying, often absurd, notions of “payback.”

Payback for what?

Was it at all personal why certain things did not pan out for me? Why would I need to feel the urge to seek revenge? What good would come out of it?

This is the constant, inner tug-of-war I play within my mind numerous times every week. In fact, sometimes I believe it’s getting worse. I don’t know which side I should let win in some regards because I know both sides have their valid points.

In terms of my current spot in life, if you want to make this a means of quantifiable “success,” I have a ways to go. There are so many things I want to accomplish, but priorities need to take place first.

For a long time, all I wanted was independence. Well, I got it. And plenty to spare.

I need to do grownup things now to get by the everyday operations. I know I am not doing things as efficiently or ideal, but I try. And I guess it counts for something.

Conversely, the other side of me has grown impatient. The other side wants results sooner rather than later.

How long are things going to take? Another few months? A few years? When will something come along to expedite the process? Why can’t I just TAKE what I want by force and then be done with it?

I am conflicted by this contrast. Grossly conflicted to a fault.
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The 54th Deadline: Always Looking Back


The 54th Deadline: If only I could always keep my eyes looking toward the future. Seriously.

There are many days where I wish I could “turn off” the past in my mind. I feel like I am reminded of it every day constantly. It seems there is no way for me to block it off mentally, at least with anything short of me suffering from full-blown amnesia.

There have been plenty of good memories, and certainly there have been many bad and horrible ones as well, but the major issue is how I find myself always anchored because of what is behind me.

I want to move forward. I want to dash toward my next stage in life. I want to get there as fast as I can, and yet here I am just moving along so slowly. This snail-like pace has bothered me, but at the same time I realize it’s life’s way of forcing me to be ever patient.

My time will come. At least, I hope so anyway.

Obviously, there should be some eagerness to achieve the next big thing. I want to advance. I want to evolve. I want to grow as a person.

Ultimately, I want to thrive, be happy and all that jazz. If I have to look at it in another way, I guess I can’t really go from point A to point (?) without experiencing everything in between, right?

Still, I look back like I can’t take my eyes off what has happened to me. I know I am inching along with plenty of forward progress, but it’s become an unwanted habit of being obsessed with what has lain behind me for literally five years and counting.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let it go? Why can’t I just accept what’s done is done and just carry on without a second thought?

I am always looking back. I am always looking at what has happened as opposed to focusing on what’s ahead of me. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Forward, Albeit Slow, Progress

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
There are those days where I wonder what would have happened if I played my cards differently.

Hindsight, after all, is always going to outline the “superior” approach, at least on paper. That’s a given. I am someone who is extremely guilty of letting himself be constantly stuck in the past in some fashion. Part of me knows I should just let go of the various, and often painful, memories that continue to haunt me. I wish it could be that simple.

I wonder what price I would pay if I could just wipe and erase those particular awful feelings once and for all. Like, poof! No more. Gone. History.

That would be so delightful. Just absolutely wonderful.

Literally years after all of the bad stuff has since done its damage, it’s like some of these particular wounds will never fully heal. Or so I think. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: One Catalyst Short

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
I always feel like I am one catalyst short from putting it all together.

A catalyst here and there makes a difference. It means something is starting, combining, changing and, most importantly, becoming an entirely different thing when it’s all finished.

However, a large part of being one catalyst short means I am missing something to help me reach my next stage, so to speak.

It’s frustrating. Extremely frustrating.
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The 54th Deadline: Helping Hand

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
I am someone who has lost his fair share of helping hands over the years. At first, people are often willing to stretch out their hands and offer whatever aid they can. However, there comes a point where they feel more and more reluctant to do so. Help can only go so far.

I have learned this about myself over the years. I was at times an extremely needy person. A weak individual. Just someone you didn’t want to be around out of fear of being sucked into my myriad of personal problems.

But at my worst state, I begged for help every step of the way. I received a lot of temporary relief, brief reassurance that everything would be OK, but a lot of it would fade away and the cycle would repeat itself all over again.

And so what could I do? I asked for further help. I sought after helping hands to pull me out of whatever downward spiral I had found myself caught in for a given bout with doubt.

Before I knew it, a lot of my former friends and peers over time just didn’t want to interact with me anymore. Not because they hated me or anything like that. If anything, it was because I was turning into a walking cesspool of negativity. And quite frankly, I can accept this nowadays as a reasonable answer.

One day, I just felt super deserted. I thought everyone around me was disappearing from my corner. In reality, I had created this sense of desolation for myself. I thought my problems were too overwhelming. Sure, at times, I thought I could never overcome anything that had set itself in front of me.

Quite frankly, again, I was a weakling. I was downright pathetic. And it showed.

I couldn’t rely on much of anyone after a certain point. It was basically just a one-on-one bout with everything that had stifled my progress in life.

It sucked.

But I got through one obstacle after another. Somehow, anyway. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Remember the Name

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
Once again, I have been faced with another crossroad in my life to determine my next path in this complex and unforgiving journey. This one’s a doozy, to boot.

I haven’t felt quite “right” for a while now. It’s hard to explain without sounding pessimistic, mopey or whatever you want to call it. Basically, I don’t feel like myself.

Certain things don’t appeal to me as much anymore. Certain activities aren’t as fun. Certain interests seem less exciting.

Whether it’s watching anime or playing video games, I just feel like a part of me is out of place from within my very soul. It’s disheartening, for sure, when you feel a bit broken from the inside out. As if a gear is out of place, I seemingly can move on with my day-to-day operations, but something isn’t making me feel, well, happy so to speak.

It sucks. It just really sucks because I want to enjoy life. I want to feel content about my situation. I want to feel like I am making some actual progress toward where I need to be. At the same time, I would be lying to myself if I wasn’t honest upfront about my emotional state.

I wish it were something more obvious. For instance, let’s say I got into an accident and couldn’t walk anymore. Let’s say I would need a wheelchair to get around for the rest of my days. That would be something I could understand at face value. There wouldn’t be anything hidden or mysterious. I would just be handicapped and unable to walk.

But for this particular, and quite ambiguous I have to add, personal problem from within, I just can’t label what it is and be done with it. I just don’t really know what it is, and I am just uncertain if I will ever figure it out soon.

Could it be another bout with depression?

Is it something along this line?

Could it be pent-up rage? Sadness?

I really wish I knew, but this is why I feel prompted to change some elements of what I am all about, at least for the time being.

“Get good. Be better.”

It was a really simple message. You get good at something, then you strive to be better.

And for me, this entailed a lot of random facets. I wanted to get good at cooking for instance, and of course I wanted to elevate my skills toward super chef status.

For a long while, this has been this blog’s motto. However, I felt like I needed to change it to, “Remember the name.”
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Blog Update: Almost Back in Business

Everyday NhanSense: A blogging update.——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Hi again.

As mentioned in the previous post, I wanted to take a few days to rethink how I wanted to approach this blog. Well, those few days ended up being a week, and during that time I have finally decided – I want to aim for fewer blog posts as a whole, but with a shifted emphasis toward more quality.

And by quality, of course, I mean I want to write more elaborate (not necessarily meatier) blog posts. I simply want less of those throwaway posts I find myself writing here and there when I am lacking motivation or just feeling a tad lazy to blast out something worthwhile.

Don’t get me wrong. I probably could write out 5,000 words for each blog post if I tried hard enough, but this isn’t my kind of writing style. I prefer more concise pieces. But at the same time, I have to play to my strengths.

As a writer, like anyone else, we don’t always blast out gold from our keyboards on any given day. Sometimes, it’s hard to find that spark, that surge of inspiration, to keep the creative juices flowing. Nonetheless, I don’t want to sound like I am making excuses.

Ultimately, I want to improve my blogging and take it to the next logical level, which is to have more people aware of this blog’s very existence.
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