The 54th Deadline: Clash

475745_1368919133336_500_281
“I believe your greatest enemy is the one you look at the mirror every single day.”

I am my own worst enemy.

It’s a fact I have to accept. Otherwise, life wouldn’t be able to advance for me.

The less I fight it, the more I can tolerate constantly “clashing” with myself. Over and over again. It seems almost nonstop, but I know it’s been me dictating the pace throughout the years.

I have clashed with myself since the beginning of this difficult journey. I hate how I have let this go on for so long, but at the same time… It seems ultimately necessary at this point in the game.

I could have nipped this problem in the bud when I saw the first few signs of bad stuff to come. Because I didn’t, everything was allowed to manifest into something vile and unstable.

It didn’t help that I was already at my wit’s end. It also didn’t help that I was too incompetent to resist and overcome the negativity early on when I still had some real fight left in me.

Instead, I buckled under the pressure. I crumbled piece-by-piece from within, and the remains just sat idle until I forced myself to rebuild the foundation. It took me a long time before I could say I had scrounged up some real hope for myself, something that I could cling to for dear life as the wake of the depressing storm cleared up.

In many regards, I am happy for myself. I am proud that I stayed diligent throughout my ongoing recovery. Nonetheless, slow progress doesn’t seem like it’s enough anymore. And that’s the part that scares me. I clash with myself endlessly at times. I am torn by conflicted thoughts and emotions.

Perhaps I yearn for an easy solution, a reasonable remedy that cures what ails me. But for that to be possible, I assume I would have found it by now.

And thus, I continue to clash with myself over random topics.

My direction in life.

My feelings toward people.

My sense of purpose.

My overall well-being.

All of this, from within, feels scattered and disorganized. I feel like I am borderline lying with myself at times as to what should be what.

At worst, I become “stuck” with what needs to be said or done. As a consequence, however, this process becomes further delayed. It is an odd situation. By all means, it is an awkward situation that makes things harder for me than they should be.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Addition by Subtraction

giphy.gif

Life has made me think that taking away things actually makes me have more control.

I am someone who has a tendency to cling to things. And by cling, I refer to just sticking to something stubbornly until the bitter end. This was something very apparent with me as a child. Certain things were hard for me to let go.

For instance, I had a particular blanket I loved to death since I was a kid. I couldn’t sleep without it. I got upset and even cried when my brothers messed with it. I had that blanket so long that it started to develop holes in it over time, to the point where there was a hole at least a foot wide.

I didn’t care. It was my special blanket. The blanket had a lot of wear and tear during my childhood, eventually reaching a point where my mother did not even want to bother repairing it for me any further.  No matter what, I had developed an attachment toward it. I can admit now that I had that particular blanket even when my age hit double-digits.

Of course, it was not a tidbit I would openly share with anybody. No way was I going to do that. I was socially awkward enough, extremely introverted, I already had plenty of unique/peculiar quirks to my name depending on how you looked at it and I was not going to tell anyone I still had a security blanket.

Nonetheless, there came a point where I naturally stopped caring about the blanket. It was nothing emotional or anything like that. I just 1zf3e6c.jpgstopped caring. Plain and simple. In fact, I still recall my dad just using the particular blanket as something to wipe the car engines with, and I did not shed a tear or anything.

It was a sign I had grown up, at least in regards to something as childish as a material thing that kept me warm at night when I slept.

I don’t want to make this blog post entirely about a blanky… I do have a point here I am trying to establish.

Basically, I need to learn how to cut ties, as in sever any and all emotional feeling, toward things that aren’t beneficial for me in some way. Especially if it’s part of “figuring myself out,” I have to be willing to say sayonara to things that simply act as obstacles within the journey.

I have to be capable of saying, “I don’t give a damn about this anymore!” And then I advance forward, not looking back. I need to stop having second thoughts about crap that has delayed my growth. I must be able and willing to bypass the bullshit while staying focused on what’s ahead of me.

Anything else just hinders and delays the process even longer. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Clues

1401462389-0


The 54th Deadline: Perhaps we leave behind clues with hope that someone finds them.


Lately, I have been feeling uneasy in more ways than one. At times, I think I am worrying about it too much, but part of me wonders if there is something more to my current feelings than I realize.

Even as I write this out, it’s hard for me to be completely, and I mean totally 100 percent, honest about it. There is a line I have to draw for my own privacy’s sake.

But with all of this put into careful consideration, I guess I should just let some aspects off of my chest before it keeps eating away at me.

In short, I think I am feeling weary. And by weary, I mean I have grown so utterly tired.

In mind. In body. In soul, as it appears.

The last time this happened was more than five years ago. After all, this blog received its genesis when I hit rock bottom and needed something to alleviate some of the pain. And thus, this blog was created to act as the buffer against all of the negativity coming toward my direction.

More than ever now, I think it’s time I evaluate what this all means.

It is all so complicated. Unfortunately, it’s extremely complicated that I don’t think I can figure this all out on my own, with perhaps anything short of professional help.

Call it a rut. Call it a phase.

I have been through this kind of stuff before, and it never gets any easier. I do end up, naturally, a bit wiser after each individual trial. However, every small victory seems borderline pitiful in the midst of the war that is fought from within in the name of mental health and my own sense of happiness.

At times, I do think I should be more personal with this blog. It’s not really about readership or anything like that. The main reason has always been about the outlet, but those who stop by are more than welcome to read what I write.

These blog posts are my clues, after all. My eclectic and often confusing clues.

Like a diary, these various blog posts are my thoughts on all kinds of topics. Sometimes, I just write about stuff I like. And then there is the other element to it when I need to write about the not-so-ideal-to-advertise kind this blog has plenty of in addition to the fun variety.

The latter, of course, is all but necessary for this blog to function the way I want it to, especially in terms of keeping me intact. One can only bottle it all up for so long before you inevitably explode in a volatile manner where you’re left just cleaning up the mess afterward. Yikes, I don’t want to go through that again.

The last time that happened, it took me a few years just to get back on the ground (somewhat) running, and it took me a few more years after that to pick up the pace.

Basically, I can’t afford to fall victim to my own undoing. History should not repeat itself if you truly learn your lesson, right?

But yeah, if this blog is my own kind of virtual diary, then it goes without saying that I should admit I have wanted SOMEBODY to swing by and grasp what I am trying to say.

And that has definitely happened. I don’t know a lot of people who stumble across this blog personally, but I sure do hope that my words have made some kind of positive impact.

I don’t want to be viewed as a victim. I don’t want to be viewed as a survivor. I don’t even want to be seen as some kind of martyr or anything like that.

I want to be labeled as any other person, any other human, who has been through some tough times here and there, and yet I continued to keep going forward.

You get knocked down here and there, but you need to get back up every single time regardless.

Perhaps, even if it’s just a reminder that we are all human, and that we all don’t magically coast through life. And it’s normal to fail sometimes as long as you keep trying to make things right.

And sure, life can and will get you down.  Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Contrast

19cb922a58544c6a5fcf9b9e1edb7e28


The 54th Deadline: To head toward the light, one must spend some time in the darkness.


There are many days that occur where I find myself experiencing the “other” side of me.

One who is mean.

One who is not as forgiving.

One who is not as thoughtful.

Before I go any further, basically, I like to think I can fathom and accept that this other me is very prevalent in lots of regards. I don’t choose to pretend or ignore this side of me. It’s very much a part of me as how a coin shares two sides. It can’t be helped. It’s how things are.

If anything, this other side of me just became more obvious when I sunk to my lowest point half a decade ago, where all I had left at rock bottom was just my self-pity and the other me who couldn’t help but feel a lot of negative things.

Anger.

Disgust.

Distrust.

Fear.

Toss in a lot more hostile, ire-inducing words and you get the idea. It’s the other side of me who hasn’t let go off all of the escalating pain and frustration that naturally built up over time.

On one hand, I felt like an empty husk in a sense. However, the other side of me just kept accumulating more and more reasons to hate. More reasons to attempt justifying, often absurd, notions of “payback.”

Payback for what?

Was it at all personal why certain things did not pan out for me? Why would I need to feel the urge to seek revenge? What good would come out of it?

This is the constant, inner tug-of-war I play within my mind numerous times every week. In fact, sometimes I believe it’s getting worse. I don’t know which side I should let win in some regards because I know both sides have their valid points.

In terms of my current spot in life, if you want to make this a means of quantifiable “success,” I have a ways to go. There are so many things I want to accomplish, but priorities need to take place first.

For a long time, all I wanted was independence. Well, I got it. And plenty to spare.

I need to do grownup things now to get by the everyday operations. I know I am not doing things as efficiently or ideal, but I try. And I guess it counts for something.

Conversely, the other side of me has grown impatient. The other side wants results sooner rather than later.

How long are things going to take? Another few months? A few years? When will something come along to expedite the process? Why can’t I just TAKE what I want by force and then be done with it?

I am conflicted by this contrast. Grossly conflicted to a fault.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Always Looking Back

anime_girl_schoolgirl_022297_by_nitin710-d77hzmb


The 54th Deadline: If only I could always keep my eyes looking toward the future. Seriously.


There are many days where I wish I could “turn off” the past in my mind. I feel like I am reminded of it every day constantly. It seems there is no way for me to block it off mentally, at least with anything short of me suffering from full-blown amnesia.

There have been plenty of good memories, and certainly there have been many bad and horrible ones as well, but the major issue is how I find myself always anchored because of what is behind me.

I want to move forward. I want to dash toward my next stage in life. I want to get there as fast as I can, and yet here I am just moving along so slowly. This snail-like pace has bothered me, but at the same time I realize it’s life’s way of forcing me to be ever patient.

My time will come. At least, I hope so anyway.

Obviously, there should be some eagerness to achieve the next big thing. I want to advance. I want to evolve. I want to grow as a person.

Ultimately, I want to thrive, be happy and all that jazz. If I have to look at it in another way, I guess I can’t really go from point A to point (?) without experiencing everything in between, right?

Still, I look back like I can’t take my eyes off what has happened to me. I know I am inching along with plenty of forward progress, but it’s become an unwanted habit of being obsessed with what has lain behind me for literally five years and counting.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let it go? Why can’t I just accept what’s done is done and just carry on without a second thought?

I am always looking back. I am always looking at what has happened as opposed to focusing on what’s ahead of me. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Forward, Albeit Slow, Progress

08c4a3df8586de18b1b771ea79388f31
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
There are those days where I wonder what would have happened if I played my cards differently.

Hindsight, after all, is always going to outline the “superior” approach, at least on paper. That’s a given. I am someone who is extremely guilty of letting himself be constantly stuck in the past in some fashion. Part of me knows I should just let go of the various, and often painful, memories that continue to haunt me. I wish it could be that simple.

I wonder what price I would pay if I could just wipe and erase those particular awful feelings once and for all. Like, poof! No more. Gone. History.

That would be so delightful. Just absolutely wonderful.

Literally years after all of the bad stuff has since done its damage, it’s like some of these particular wounds will never fully heal. Or so I think. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: One Catalyst Short

tumblr_ll408o8acy1qbvovho1_500
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
I always feel like I am one catalyst short from putting it all together.

A catalyst here and there makes a difference. It means something is starting, combining, changing and, most importantly, becoming an entirely different thing when it’s all finished.

However, a large part of being one catalyst short means I am missing something to help me reach my next stage, so to speak.

It’s frustrating. Extremely frustrating.
Continue reading