The 54th Deadline: Stalled Countdown

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
As I write this, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I can’t quite seem to let it all out.

It’s one particularly odd thing about my personal “depression” from the get-go – I haven’t been really able to cry. I feel like I have kept a lot of inner turmoil inside, and it has just been building up and building up, but it just can’t seem to find its way out of my system.

It’s wimpy to admit it, but I guess deep down I want to bawl my eyes out. I really force myself, but it’s not working. And hence, I believe a lot of my hopes and dreams have stalled this countdown in life. I know the launch has been on hold for so long.

I should have blasted off toward “greatness” by now, but something keeps finding its way into my life to delay it even further. Am I making excuses? Am I being irrational?

JUST WHAT IS IT? What’s wrong? Why can’t I just get a clear answer from the universe?

I make so many small strides, but I never can’t go the complete distance to reach that next threshold. It’s always some kind of forward progress, but how much more forward progress do I need to get through?

Perhaps at this point, I feel exhausted and impatient with it all. After all, it’s been five years and counting. Fives years of ups and downs. Five years mixed with misery and happiness.

Sigh, depression is a real drag to overcome, don’t you think? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Understanding Misery

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
It’s been a little more than five years and counting.

If I were to backtrack years ago to when I was a naive, immature college graduate with nothing more than dreams of potential success on the mind. I would probably sick to my stomach.

I was a trainwreck waiting to happen, a meltdown on the verge of exploding everywhere and I did not see it coming before it was completely too late. There were subtle hints that I wasn’t OK. Every day, I sunk a little deeper into the abyss I was creating for myself. I became less in touch of what was before me. I was too unaware of how much of a personal hell I lived in, mainly because I did not want to accept the denial before me.

Truth be told, I was bound to become crestfallen at some point.

I spent a lot of time trying to hide myself from reality. I killed time by playing a lot of video games. My family and friends grew worried about me, but I thought things were going to be all right. I really did.
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The 54th Deadline: Happy Horizon

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
It’s out there somewhere. At some point, I know I will find that “happy horizon” I keep picturing in my mind.

This happy horizon will be the epitome of everything in life I have always wanted, just that one point where life is perfect for me.

It’s something that has eluded me for so many years. Five years ago, I let myself slip into despair, lost track of my goals and then fell into a downward spiral.

I was by all means at the lowest points in my life, but now I continue to go day-by-day with the notion that I will bounce back completely and turn everything around if I play my cards right. It hasn’t been a walk in the park by any means for someone like me. If anything, I’ve met with my share of disaster here and there as I began to discover elements about myself.

I am a flawed, troubled person in lots of facets. I was extremely weak when all of these nasty problems occurred at the beginning.




All of these areas became damaged in some fashion when my life began to crumble apart piece-by-piece.

I was some lowly person who couldn’t land a “simple” job to sustain himself, let alone attain a professional job in the field of my interest after graduating college. This really put a damper on my self-esteem.

I clung to some hope that I would stumble my way to my dreams, but this was a foolish ideal. This was something I couldn’t solve magically in one go. It would take time.

Lots of time in fact.

As I write this, I am still trying to sort it all out.

But I am a better person because of all of my personal trials and ordeals. I am a stronger person because I toughened up when the circumstances forced me into another perpetual corner of self-defeating thoughts.

Most importantly of all, I became less susceptible to the emotional crap that would bog me down along the way. I am human, however. I have not become impervious to the emotional backlash we all have to face when trying to look at anything discouraging comes before us.

Instead, I have learned to perceive it as another challenge, as another obstacle one has to overcome if any forward progress can be made.

I try to encourage myself to keep looking for any sort of optimism to cling to, any shred of “It will be OK” to keep me motivated. Someday, I know I’ll find that happy horizon. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 99

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 99’s Topic: Tuckered out.
I have to say … one of the best feelings in the world is just coming home and then hitting the hay, instantly getting Z’s because you’ve had a great and fulfilling day.

Oh wow, I totally did not mean to make that last part rhyme. Oh well.

But gosh, life has been definitely on the right course. Work is good. Bank account is decent. I finally can say I have my head more or less above water. There is certainly a lot less stress in my life as a whole, which is something I have been striving for when I set out on this personal journey a few months back.

So basically, I am experiencing a lot of content feelings. I may or may not have as much energy as I’d like, but this is stemming from just being caught up in the flow of life’s good stuff. And I am cool with this. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 71

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 71’s Topic: Friends.
Finding friends is something on the agenda for me as of late. I am an introvert. I am a loner on some days.

But by all means, I need friends as much as the next person. Friends are people you can hang out with to mix up your routine. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about things rather than just being alone all the time.

As I always emphasize, I have never been Mr. Popular, but the friends I did have were important to me. You can’t put a price on the number of friends when all that matters is how good the friendships are. At least, this is what I like to think.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 63

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Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 63’s Topic: Ambition.
Sorry, it was a really busy night at the restaurant. And it was just the Friday before Valentine’s Day, no less! Ideally, as long as I blog once a day, everything is kosher.

Anyway, the more hours I put into the restaurant, which is good and all, the more I realize I need to divert some time toward more ambitious undertakings. It’s not that I hate or dread working at the restaurant or anything. It’s quite the contrary. It’s just that my amount of free time isn’t the same as it was a month and a half ago, meaning my free time is that more crucial.

Every single minute of it. I am lucky now to get a few hours in the morning or late at night. If that. Still, it’s better than nothing.

With that said, I want to be more ambitious in general. I want to take more risks, at least dip my toe in the water once in a while.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 61

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 61’s Topic: Finding reasons to be happy.
Days like today remind me why I want to find true happiness. For the second half of the day, I was feeling gloomy as heck. Totally blue. I kept it to myself as best as I could. I have had to learn to find ways of keeping it somewhat together before things get really out of hand.

For me when I am sad, I can’t really cry.

Mood swings are so fickle like that. I am perfectly A-OK one minute, and then it’s like a roulette of emotions at the drop of a dime. I never know what I am going to feel.

It’s anger one day.

It’s sadness the other.

Why can’t I just be happy?

I ask myself all the time. Why can’t I just lock onto the feelings of joy and maintain that every single day? Boy, life would be a lot better for sure.

At the same time, I wonder if I am just destined to be like this forever … Continue reading