The 54th Deadline: Blur

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The 54th Deadline: Time sure flies by fast. A lot quicker than a lot of people may realize. Poof.

I feel like the gap between blog posts has grown gradually wider and wider, in a bad way, of course.

At the end of the day, this blog does in fact remain very important to me. It’s high up on the list of priorities, but I still find myself basically neglecting it as I try to handle the day-to-day operations of, well, surviving.

I used to blog a lot more often. All of the time, for that matter. I didn’t care at first who read what I wrote. I am sure I have had my share of ramblings, but I have also had a lot of blog posts I genuinely enjoyed putting together. It wasn’t about the viewership or anything like that in the beginning. I just wanted an outlet, just something to release some of the excess feelings out and it did help. It really helped a lot.

Still, time has flown by to this day. It’s been a blur. Everything has just felt like it all happened all too fast for me to notice.

Heck, a year ago to this point, I just moved into the place I am living now for literally no more than a few days. That was a very scary time for a lot of reasons.


Unsure of what I was going to do.

Limited money in the bank.

Didn’t know many people in town.

It was just me starting a new chapter in my life.

Fast-forward to nowadays, and a lot of things are heading in the right direction.


Have a car.

Got a cat as a pet.

Somewhat more stability in terms of finances. I am not rich by any means, but I at least have some cash to spend on extra stuff beyond the necessities.

I am certainly missing a lot of random things that would be nice, but I constantly tell myself that everything will come in due time. At least, I hope that’s the case. One can only wait for so long.

This blur-like pace that life makes you undergo really makes you think: time definitely is precious.

Believe me. As someone who can barely keep up with the now, it’s a wondrous idea to fathom making every second count. Sure, in a fantasy world perhaps, but obligations exist in reality. I can’t just not work for the sake of it. I need to hold a job down to pay the bills and make sure I don’t starve.

From this standpoint, things are more than fine. I survive, but I never thrive. And I really want to make the latter more prevalent. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Transitions


The 54th Deadline: Change is inevitable. I can accept this fact now with complete readiness.

This is a peculiar thing to admit on so many levels, but I have accepted I am abnormally a late bloomer in many regards. Certain feelings and elements about myself, over the years, were essentially still in development. Or so to speak.

My naive self before I graduated school thought I could remain the way I was: immature, overly shy, socially awkward and so forth. I legitimately thought things would work out in the end.

They didn’t. Not at all.

And that’s why I fell apart at the seams. That’s why I spent a good year and a half just trying to hang in there. I was completely and utterly destroyed from within, and my only real choices were to let myself self-destruct even further or do something positive to get myself back in order.

Obviously, I opted for the latter. It was really hard at first. It was one of the most challenging ordeals I had ever put myself through, but it was all necessary. Going back to the late bloomer thing, I guess you could say I somehow reverted back even more, maturity-wise, as a person.

Essentially, I regressed mentally in a lot of ways. I was no longer that young adult in his early 20s anymore. I felt like an overgrown kid whose physical age said more than 20, but in my mind it was like probably being a 16-year-old teenager again. It sure felt like I was someone in high school again who didn’t have a clue about the “real world” yet.

These days, I have a lot to think about in regards to what has happened and how I am going to bounce back in the long term. There are many aspects about myself that elude me, yet I am extremely aware of one thing: I’m changing.

I am changing in so many ways. I am going through so many inner transitions that I can’t even keep up with them all. Heck, even as I type this blog post out, I can feel that I am an entirely different person.

Years ago, I could write this whole blog post out and “feel” out the words I am typing out on my keyboard, but I can’t quite do that anymore. Not in the same manner. I once was able to tell if a word was spelled right or wrong based simply on typing it out.

Nope. That “power” isn’t here to this day. Let’s just say I find myself double-checking my spelling a lot more than usual. The prior me, the one in college anyway, was capable of that all-star editor stuff. Not this current me.

But you know what?
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Thoughts


The 54th Deadline: There are always more chances than you realize to overcome challenges.

Lately, I have had various thoughts circulating.

As you can see, I am currently in the process of (once again) restructuring the look of this blog. At times, I wonder if I am just too unfocused to have a cohesive design and layout. I feel like I am just such a mess in this regard.

For now, I will keep this blog template in place, tweak a few things here and there probably and then finally decide on how this blog should look when I get my head on straight.

On one hand, I feel like I should just have this blog be about Dota 2, as I do play the game a lot. Well, it’s the game I try to play when I find time, but money needs to be made. And for money to be made, I need to spend more time working than I can invest in just playing.

But I suppose this is the better alternative than just sitting around all day, being unemployed and just letting time pass by me looking at a computer screen without anything really being achieved. Trust me. I have been down this path before. It isn’t pretty. Nope. It’s an extremely ugly, unappealing existence.

On the other hand, I do want to talk more about my dreaded “depression” topic. After all, and I say this a lot, so please bear with me. Without suffering the worst of the depression symptoms years ago, this blog wouldn’t exist. Heck, I wouldn’t have invested so much effort into this blog if I was truly that sad and miserable about my life at that point.

Nonetheless, I am glad I have this blog to my name. It’s special to me. Truly, truly special to me. I just think I have been too much of a spaz when it comes to blogging as consistently as I once did even half a year ago. Yet, and I say this with complete honesty, it had to be done.

I was losing control, as well as interest, of what was important to me. This blog used to be very high on my priority list to maintain. I felt obligated to churn out some kind of post to anyone willing to read my various thoughts and ramblings.

And I realize that sometimes a lot of things I write about don’t really appeal to a lot of people. There was a phase in this blog’s existence where I spoke heavily about anime and other random topics. Of course, times have changed.

At the moment, I can say I am not as into certain things as I once was. It’s sad, really. I thought I would never outgrow certain things, but I guess we all do end up changing in some shape or form as we get older.

Don’t get me wrong. I find myself occasionally watching an anime episode here and there, but it’s so seldom that I don’t even count it as anything meaningful. I used to binge-watch shows for hours on end, but it’s been a long while since I have done that with the same kind of geeky zeal that kept me glued to my seat, just staring at the screen without any regard to everything else around me.

But that was then. This is now.

Thoughts. So many thoughts. So many different ones that I don’t know what to follow, let alone believe in as my driving force. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Understanding Misery

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
It’s been a little more than five years and counting.

If I were to backtrack years ago to when I was a naive, immature college graduate with nothing more than dreams of potential success on the mind. I would probably sick to my stomach.

I was a trainwreck waiting to happen, a meltdown on the verge of exploding everywhere and I did not see it coming before it was completely too late. There were subtle hints that I wasn’t OK. Every day, I sunk a little deeper into the abyss I was creating for myself. I became less in touch of what was before me. I was too unaware of how much of a personal hell I lived in, mainly because I did not want to accept the denial before me.

Truth be told, I was bound to become crestfallen at some point.

I spent a lot of time trying to hide myself from reality. I killed time by playing a lot of video games. My family and friends grew worried about me, but I thought things were going to be all right. I really did.
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Remember the Name

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
Once again, I have been faced with another crossroad in my life to determine my next path in this complex and unforgiving journey. This one’s a doozy, to boot.

I haven’t felt quite “right” for a while now. It’s hard to explain without sounding pessimistic, mopey or whatever you want to call it. Basically, I don’t feel like myself.

Certain things don’t appeal to me as much anymore. Certain activities aren’t as fun. Certain interests seem less exciting.

Whether it’s watching anime or playing video games, I just feel like a part of me is out of place from within my very soul. It’s disheartening, for sure, when you feel a bit broken from the inside out. As if a gear is out of place, I seemingly can move on with my day-to-day operations, but something isn’t making me feel, well, happy so to speak.

It sucks. It just really sucks because I want to enjoy life. I want to feel content about my situation. I want to feel like I am making some actual progress toward where I need to be. At the same time, I would be lying to myself if I wasn’t honest upfront about my emotional state.

I wish it were something more obvious. For instance, let’s say I got into an accident and couldn’t walk anymore. Let’s say I would need a wheelchair to get around for the rest of my days. That would be something I could understand at face value. There wouldn’t be anything hidden or mysterious. I would just be handicapped and unable to walk.

But for this particular, and quite ambiguous I have to add, personal problem from within, I just can’t label what it is and be done with it. I just don’t really know what it is, and I am just uncertain if I will ever figure it out soon.

Could it be another bout with depression?

Is it something along this line?

Could it be pent-up rage? Sadness?

I really wish I knew, but this is why I feel prompted to change some elements of what I am all about, at least for the time being.

“Get good. Be better.”

It was a really simple message. You get good at something, then you strive to be better.

And for me, this entailed a lot of random facets. I wanted to get good at cooking for instance, and of course I wanted to elevate my skills toward super chef status.

For a long while, this has been this blog’s motto. However, I felt like I needed to change it to, “Remember the name.”
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: New Vision

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
It took a few years, but I finally got new glasses.


They are some pretty nice specs. I had the glasses below for about five years or so, meaning they were long overdue to be replaced at some point.


I have taken pride in never ever breaking my glasses once throughout my whole life, and these frames were no different. The coating on the lenses, over time, just got dirty and stuff. Heck, the eye doctor even told me my prescription itself hasn’t changed that much despite the big gap of time in between, surprisingly anyway.

Regardless, buying new glasses was a big step for me as an individual. For a while, I realized I needed to get an eye exam so I could purchase updated glasses. It was getting annoying with seeing signs blurry from such modest distances and having to squint just to read a menu at a McDonald’s or something.

Not anymore.

As I don on my new specs, I feel pride in me taking another step toward being an independent adult.

This was the first time I made a major purchase in this regard. It was always my mom who would have to take care of this random expense, but now I can finally say I did it on my own.

One step toward true adulthood! (I guess?)

Now, let me tell you one thing – there was a point I refused to wear glasses.

Cue fifth grade. I was having a lot of trouble seeing the stuff on the board in class. You know the drill.

I knew the main culprits for my lackluster vision involved a combination of too much TV watching and video games. And I sure as heck wasn’t going to drop these beloved hobbies of mine at this age. No way.

The teacher comments on how I am having a hard time reading stuff from far away. Eventually, it leads to my mom taking me to the eye doctor. I literally bawled my eyes out like a baby. I was so afraid of the other kids calling me those typical nicknames like Four Eyes or a nerd.

Gosh, denial was such a difficult thing to grasp when you aren’t mature yet, don’t you think?
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Putting the Pieces Together

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
By all means, I have been an enigma as an individual.

I have been scatterbrained.

I have lacked focus.

I have been struggling to muster up adequate motivation to achieve what needs to be done in a timely fashion.

So as a result, I feel “incomplete” at the moment. For a long time now, my goals seem unclear even to myself. My aspirations seem distant. My determination, though constant, isn’t as strong as it should be in the face of my own limits and weaknesses.

I feel like I am dawdling. I feel like I am not being productive when I have all the tools and means to accomplish everything I put my mind to, and this herein lies the main problem with myself – the enigma that is my well-being is broken up into so many pieces.

For me to become “OK” when everything is said and done, it’s up to me to figure out how to tackle this puzzle on my own and ultimately solve it so I can finally discover the big picture waiting for me when I finish.

Will the payoff be worth it in the end? I sure hope so. There are no guarantees, but one has to have some sense of optimism for themselves. Life’s a really twisted game in this regard. It’s not like these pieces are all right in front of me. No way. Definitely not the case.

Everything has been thrown around all over the place, adding further difficulty to something that has already presented itself as a grueling challenge.

Trust me. I know firsthand.

It’s been five years and counting. It doesn’t get any easier. It just goes to show how much perseverance one has to have to keep trying. Because, let’s face it – I began this game while already missing a few pieces from this puzzle to begin with when the personal meltdown took effect.

Allow me to explain. Continue reading