The 54th Deadline: Pressure


The 54th Deadline: Life often forces some pressure your way to encourage immediate action.

More than five years ago, I was a loser by all means. I never would admit to it back then, but one could call me that now and I wouldn’t get mad at them for it.

That’s what I was. A loser. A bonafide loser. But that doesn’t mean I had to remain one. That’s the key. You can always change.

I was a new college grad, unemployed, just sleeping on a mattress in my parents’ basement. My laptop, my salvation at the time, sat on the desk where the old sewing machine used to be.

Every day, it was often the same routine with little variation.

I woke up. I got ready and all of that jazz. I then parked my butt in front of my laptop. At first, I was genuinely productive for a long while. I applied to many job listings that matched my degree. Granted, that was a rough time to attempt becoming a journalist, let alone getting some small gig to tide me over.

Things are always hard when you’re starting out, after all. The journalism job market at the time was sketchy and very unfriendly toward a lot of new people trying to get their journalism feet wet.

Anyway, the initial months were a constant blur of monotony. I took the summer off to “recharge” from my senior year in college, but the truth is I had a lot of built-up depression systems that lingered after college graduation. I was just in major denial of it.

Regardless, I was hellbent on getting my dream job after summer. I applied and applied, and most of my replies seemed rather pointless. I felt like I was wasting my time, but I knew I still had to apply with some semblance of a chance that things would pan out the way I had wanted.

But what was I to do in the meantime? Because I was so thoroughly weary and exhausted by the time my senior year of college ended, I did in fact needed the rest. So I passed the time mostly on my computer, wasting away hours upon hours while I hoped my “feelers” as you would call them were supposedly working their magic.

I played a lot of video games. An unhealthy amount, no less. I just played a LOT of video games. So many hours. So unproductive.

Alas, I wish my resumes could have told me somehow that their searches were to no avail. Potential employers don’t have to tell you they passed on you. Heck no. Most just ignore you. It’s like you never sent anything to them at all. You become just another blip on their radar they don’t notice. Another message in their inbox they might as well put in the spam folder.

Unless you had a gleaming resume or prior connections, many college grads were basically screwed. I was no different. Unfortunately, I should have known how ill-prepared I was to face the real world at the time.

It would take about two months after summer before I got my first real interview for a potential job, but that’s a different story I have discussed before way in the past. That led to a lot of terrible things for me personally, which added further self-destruction to my name as that particular series of events unfolded.

I might touch up on that later, but for now I want to focus on the notion of “pressure” and why I need it more than anything else in my life at the moment. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 100

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 100’s Topic: Priorities.
As each day, as each week, as each month passes … I guess I do wonder about my own priorities as a person. I’ve had a lot of bumps in the road during this personal journey, with lots of stumbling around until I finally found a course of action that I can salvage some sort of happiness in the meantime.

There are times I wish I could just sit down and sort out what kind of priorities I really want out of life at this very moment.

Should I:

Buy a car?

Raise a pet cat?

Buy this?

Start that venture?

There are so many things to make your head spin when you really think about it.

The frustration, at least for me, derives a lot from feeling somewhat “forced” to survive over just pursuing my dreams. But at the same time, life isn’t all that bad, either.

I enjoy my job. I can take care of myself to a decent degree. I finally have all the independence I could have asked for, which was something surely lacking for someone like me who had to live with the folks at home for a while.

And yet, here I am. I find myself pondering. I just wonder about what I should really be putting all of my attention toward in the near future. I wish I could just clone myself and accomplish a million things at once, but that’s just not gonna happen, now is it?
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 95

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 95’s Topic: Not quite alone in tough times.
Looking back a few years, I guess I can admit I was pretty much one step away from being hospitalized. I doubt my family would have let it happen, but I was in a pretty bad spot upstairs.

At the very least, I think I should have technically been placed in some kind of care. What I got instead was a lot of mental meandering for quite awhile. I was too darn embarrassed to seek help, let alone be brave enough to admit I had problems. It was a paradox of sorts.

But believe me, and I do mean this, I had my share of problems at the time.

My family was basically very hush-hush about my situation. I didn’t really like others knowing what I was up to. I am sure the neighbors probably wondered, but we all have our respective issues and personal dilemmas to deal with, right?
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 94

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 94’s Topic: Cats.
Lately, part of my life has felt somewhat empty, but empty in the sense that I don’t have something to take care of other than myself.

With this in mind, the idea of me getting a cat in my situation has become more and more intriguing.

It’s starting to become an everyday occurrence I think about having a feline friend again to call my own. Ugh, I really want a kitty or two, but I do worry about the finances. If I were to get a cat, I wouldn’t be cheap about the whole spiel either.

I would want to make sure the cat is thoroughly entertained and is comfortable living at my place. I have two whole floors with a bit of extra room, but I would definitely keep the cat(s) indoors out of fear of something bad happening outside.

Obviously, food is something I have to pay for, along with litter and some other essentials. Not to mention, God forbid, my cat(s) in the near future don’t run into any health problems that would force me to go to the vet.

But otherwise, money aside, I think the companionship of having a cat would far exceed any dollar amount I could ever imagine in my current situation. Heck, there have been plenty of days I felt like having a cat to pet would have made my ordeals seem less daunting, putting my mind at ease. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 92

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 92’s Topic: Slow and steady.
There are certainly days I think I am moving “too slow” in life, like I am falling way behind in some race we all are supposed to be aware of, for some reason. I have former friends and peers who have already landed their big-time careers, started a family, moved to exciting cities to live in and so forth.

But then again, this was a huge mistake I had to come to grips with many years ago, as a wise friend once pointed out to me – it doesn’t matter about them because you have to live your own life.

And this is the correct way to perceive this kind of stuff. After all, we all advance through life at different paces because we are all in fact vary from person-to-person. In strengths, in weaknesses, in ambitions … etc.

Because there is in fact so much diversity among individuals, why do we try to compare ourselves so much like we are anything but apples and oranges, respectively, to one another?

One person has what it takes to be a great scientist. Another person isn’t that great at science, but is an excellent artist in their own right. There could be literally endless comparisons, but we all somehow want to think of one another as “the same” when we totally are not.

Ultimately, when I finally came to realize that my own destiny, my own divine plan laid out by God himself, was certainly not going to pan out the way I had envisioned, I found some sense of closure. I will admit it did really suck at first. Heck, it almost destroyed me. But the amount of lessons I learned as a result of everything, and I am still learning by the way, have all been valuable in so many ways.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 82

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 82’s Topic: Clothing.
Clothes are those garments we need to wear to cover our bodies. We put on and take off our clothes every day, switching them out for the given day’s outfit requirement.

Granted, I am a simplistic person. I don’t really have a lot of clothes to my name. Even as a dude, I never really had much of any fashion sense. I like really straightforward outfits.

T-shirt and shorts, and maybe something else, then I am good to go. Pretty easy, right?

Heck, most of the clothes I have to my name are shown below in this picture.


Within this bag and box (along with a few tubs of clothes), that’s really all I have to wear. I don’t even have a dresser to fold them into place all nice and proper-like, the way mom would have done it when I was a kid.

Speaking of which, I regret saying something really stupid when I was a kid to my mother. I was being snappy and was questioning why my mom couldn’t get my brothers and I more clothes. I was just being bratty one day. It was probably around middle school, give or take a few years.

I didn’t really know what I was saying. This was coming from a kid who hated getting clothes as gifts to boot. Oh, joy!

Anyway, if I could go back in time at this very instance, I would have smacked myself for being stupid. My mom worked her tail off to provide food on the table, let alone everything else. She tried her hardest. It was just difficult for her to scrape aside money for nicer clothes. It’s not like I was running around in rags with holes in them.

I should have been thankful my mom did the laundry for us, so we always had clean clothes to throw on every day. I should have been grateful, but I wasn’t.

Not only that, the clothes I wore as a kid were mostly serviceable. Plain, even. They were rarely fancy clothes at all. Just the cheap stuff you would find at any average retail store. Nothing to brag about, but they were nothing to be ashamed about because they were so generic.

The point is, and why I bring up this random story of me as a kid, I finally grew to understand what it’s like to buy clothes for myself now. It took awhile, but I finally started to grasp how everything changes when you’re paying for it with money you have earned.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 81

anime girl with cat——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 81’s Topic: Cats.
As I browse through more pictures of my cats saved on file, the more apparent my true feelings come to the surface. Simply put, I miss my two babies a lot. Tux and Kuro meant a lot to me. They still do. I raised them since they were wee kittens, bonded with them on a personal level between pet and pet owner, which makes some days over here in this new town feel certainly lonely.

Magically, I wish I could just warp the two over here. But it wouldn’t be fair to the family I once lived with, as they are their cats as well. Sure, they didn’t love these two cats as much as me, but I was moving into a precarious and uncertain situation. The family was kicking me out of their home, after all, so I had to make the hard decision of leaving Tux and Kuro behind as a result.

I wasn’t sure if I could take care of my living situation, let alone adequately care for the two cats the way I would want them to be treated. I didn’t know where I was going to live, if I could get a job that paid me enough to afford rent, food and all the other expenses.

Of course, now that the ship has stabilized, I could probably take care of Tux and Kuro just fine. However, it’s not like I can just waltz into the family’s house and demand to have the two cats to take back here. Maybe in time, I will make an effort at formally adopting the two cats, but that family and I haven’t contacted one another for months.

In this regard, things are awkward between us. I have assumed Tux and Kuro have been just fine without me, so I have to trust that they are being loved. That’s all that really matters to me in this regard, honestly. The two cats were quite happy critters before I got kicked out, so I have prayed they have been still content with their lives.

It’s hard at times, but it’s all I can really do at the moment, aside from the alternative …

I could get another cat or two. Completely new ones to raise and love from the start again.
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