The 54th Deadline: Emptiness
It’s been clear to me that certain voids are preventing me from feeling whole as a person.

Life is wonderful, but it also has a lot of bad stuff to it.

Now mind you, I wonder if it’s the gloomy side in me talking, but lately I haven’t been able to feel “happy” as much as I should. Mood swings aside, I feel like I have fallen into another one of my various ruts. After going through this song and dance a few times before, am I more prepared to deal with it now?

I am a survivor by all means. I am a survivor in the sense that I endured, mustered up some semblance of courage in the face of personal defeat and kept going. No matter how rough it got, I had to hang in there.

Well, I just had to. It’s my only life to live. Still, it’s not like things just got any easier per se. I just got stronger. But even with extra strength to my name, I find myself feeling mighty weak, almost ineffective at times.

It disheartens me. It makes me think, “What’s the point?” on those particular challenging days. This last week has been making me feel crappy about it all, and I don’t want to sound like a Negative Nancy.

At the end of the day, I write on this blog to vent. It’s my necessary outlet. Otherwise, I would just end up bottling feelings I shouldn’t be bottling. I would let certain emotions fester into something toxic, something that ends up poisoning me until I will face literal health problems.

Loss of appetite.

Loss of interest.

Loss of energy.

Loss of feeling motivated to, well, enjoy life.

I have had all of this and more, and it feels like I am experiencing a “fun-sized” version of these symptoms. God forbid I get the full package at this rate.

With this in mind, I can’t help but feel… on my own so so speak. I feel like I need to talk to someone else about this, but it’s hard to get people to lend you their ears when it feels like just a gesture to them more than a therapeutic practice.

I get it.

I lost too many friends over this depression and whatnot. I know I was not Mr. Popular prior to all of this self-imploding, but dang… I valued what friends I had.

Having gone down that path before, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes again. I should have gone to a professional for that kind of stuff. I needed to talk to someone whose job is to listen to the kind of problems I was dealing with back then.

I became too dependent on those phone calls, e-mails and Skype conversations about everything messing me up. I was too needy. I drove people away from me gradually over time.

And most of those friends are gone by now because of it. They have moved on with their lives. I find myself just struggling to keep myself intact, let alone position myself toward success.

Chances are, I have to admit, they don’t even remember me anymore. And that hurts. I am probably nothing more than a distant memory at this point.

Sigh, this just makes me think I need to re-evaluate everything I have, and see what’s helping or hurting my progress.

I need a change of pace. That’s a given.

I need something to clear up some of the chaos from within, and maybe then I can find some hope to salvage myself before I fall back into that abyss of misery and self-loathing.

0da55c52f8f0833ae256afae59b35c0dThere is only so much I can do as an individual. I am not Superman. I am only human, after all.

I know I have my flaws.

I realize I am difficult to work with for a variety of reasons.

But my goodness, I am a mess. And I know it.

I know I am falling victim to my own frustrations.

I am scared. I am scared that this is just another one of life’s tests that will make or break me.

It’s never easy. It’s never easy, huh?

At least, for me anyway. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Clues


The 54th Deadline: Perhaps we leave behind clues with hope that someone finds them.

Lately, I have been feeling uneasy in more ways than one. At times, I think I am worrying about it too much, but part of me wonders if there is something more to my current feelings than I realize.

Even as I write this out, it’s hard for me to be completely, and I mean totally 100 percent, honest about it. There is a line I have to draw for my own privacy’s sake.

But with all of this put into careful consideration, I guess I should just let some aspects off of my chest before it keeps eating away at me.

In short, I think I am feeling weary. And by weary, I mean I have grown so utterly tired.

In mind. In body. In soul, as it appears.

The last time this happened was more than five years ago. After all, this blog received its genesis when I hit rock bottom and needed something to alleviate some of the pain. And thus, this blog was created to act as the buffer against all of the negativity coming toward my direction.

More than ever now, I think it’s time I evaluate what this all means.

It is all so complicated. Unfortunately, it’s extremely complicated that I don’t think I can figure this all out on my own, with perhaps anything short of professional help.

Call it a rut. Call it a phase.

I have been through this kind of stuff before, and it never gets any easier. I do end up, naturally, a bit wiser after each individual trial. However, every small victory seems borderline pitiful in the midst of the war that is fought from within in the name of mental health and my own sense of happiness.

At times, I do think I should be more personal with this blog. It’s not really about readership or anything like that. The main reason has always been about the outlet, but those who stop by are more than welcome to read what I write.

These blog posts are my clues, after all. My eclectic and often confusing clues.

Like a diary, these various blog posts are my thoughts on all kinds of topics. Sometimes, I just write about stuff I like. And then there is the other element to it when I need to write about the not-so-ideal-to-advertise kind this blog has plenty of in addition to the fun variety.

The latter, of course, is all but necessary for this blog to function the way I want it to, especially in terms of keeping me intact. One can only bottle it all up for so long before you inevitably explode in a volatile manner where you’re left just cleaning up the mess afterward. Yikes, I don’t want to go through that again.

The last time that happened, it took me a few years just to get back on the ground (somewhat) running, and it took me a few more years after that to pick up the pace.

Basically, I can’t afford to fall victim to my own undoing. History should not repeat itself if you truly learn your lesson, right?

But yeah, if this blog is my own kind of virtual diary, then it goes without saying that I should admit I have wanted SOMEBODY to swing by and grasp what I am trying to say.

And that has definitely happened. I don’t know a lot of people who stumble across this blog personally, but I sure do hope that my words have made some kind of positive impact.

I don’t want to be viewed as a victim. I don’t want to be viewed as a survivor. I don’t even want to be seen as some kind of martyr or anything like that.

I want to be labeled as any other person, any other human, who has been through some tough times here and there, and yet I continued to keep going forward.

You get knocked down here and there, but you need to get back up every single time regardless.

Perhaps, even if it’s just a reminder that we are all human, and that we all don’t magically coast through life. And it’s normal to fail sometimes as long as you keep trying to make things right.

And sure, life can and will get you down.  Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 113

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 113’s Topic: Easter.
Hi everyone.

I hope you all had a great Easter. For me, well, I was feeling a bit blue to be honest for the whole day. It reached a point I am all too familiar with, where I feel really antisocial. Feeling like a shut-in like this, on Easter no less, sucks.

I would rather be with my friends and family. Instead, I found myself napping all day. Not exactly exhilarating by any means.

Even as I continue to advance forward in life, I find these uneventful days to be a reminder that I am not well. I am not quite there so to speak.
Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 110

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 110’s Topic: A roller coaster of emotions.
Today was just one of those days where I had to experience the ill effects of my prominent mood swings.

I used to be very hush-hush about my mood swings, pretending they weren’t such a big deal. In reality, they affect me for better or for worse each day in some degree. There are no patterns to follow. There is no real way of me knowing what’s going to be felt emotionally for a given day. It’s all very random.

I can be happy one second, completely mad the next and something else in between just a mere moment afterward.

What a roller coaster of emotions.

In fact, these mood swings of mine create so many inconsistencies in my life. I wish I could be one thing, but I just can’t be. The ride is up and down, sideways with some loops thrown into the mix.

Perhaps I would be more content with life knowing that my own emotional track was something more simple and straightforward by design, but instead I must deal with something so absurdly random that it bothers the heck out of me to no end.

Sigh. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 78

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 78’s Topic: Understanding.
Lately, I have had the urge to be more open about my random problems I deal with on a daily basis. In particular, I have found myself often telling others I have the serious kind of mood swings, which affect me by constantly messing with my emotions in an unpredictable manner.

In a sense, perhaps I am wanting more understanding about what I attempt to keep well under control every day, every hour and probably until my last breath.

But that’s OK. I don’t expect modern medicine to develop a complete “cure” for mood swings or anything like that in the near future. Medication exists to balance out the mood, but I don’t want to partake in such a pill-popping commitment. There are more pressing illnesses out there like cancer that need more attention.

Mood swings, ultimately, can just make things a bit erratic, so to speak. I can be happy one minute and then feel completely sad the next, as an example.

Not the end of the world. However, I do in fact wish there were days I could just let my emotions run the proper and natural gamut without me needing to … pretend that I am a normal person?

And that’s the thing. I know I am not normal like others, though I don’t really want to imply it’s that much of a handicap.

Like, you see, if I were in a wheelchair, it would be easy for others to understand that something isn’t quite the same with me. With mood swings, combined with my nerdy and social awkwardness on top of it, everything projects the wrong kind of things I should be showcasing about my personality. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 74

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 74’s Topic: The other “you” in life.
Compared to yesterday, I was much calmer by comparison.

There are days I swear I have another “me” just trying to get loose. Whether it’s a figment of my imagination or it’s just how I feel when I need to entertain myself upstairs, I honestly don’t have a clue.

But seriously, today felt way different in a good way. I was less frustrated, more in-tune with what I was doing and more aware of dialing back the bad feelings whenever they came up. Sure, I’ll admit I may have been a tad sluggish than usual, but you can’t have it all sometimes.

Nonetheless, the other “me” always wants to find fault with whatever I am doing and attempt to rationalize emotions that are basically toxic and dangerous if they were allowed to fester.

But you know what? They shouldn’t matter if I just brush them aside, stay mellow and allow myself to do what needs to be done to be productive.

Everyone, mood swings or not, has to deal with a myriad of emotions and feelings on a daily basis. Though my mood swings can prove random and difficult to predict, I manage by trying to keep the attention fixated on that spot of zen on the spectrum. When I achieve a sense of personal enlightenment, life can feel good.

However, it’s of course not always easy to find that right spot, and so we all come across situations where we may miss the mark at times.
Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 61

Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 61’s Topic: Finding reasons to be happy.
Days like today remind me why I want to find true happiness. For the second half of the day, I was feeling gloomy as heck. Totally blue. I kept it to myself as best as I could. I have had to learn to find ways of keeping it somewhat together before things get really out of hand.

For me when I am sad, I can’t really cry.

Mood swings are so fickle like that. I am perfectly A-OK one minute, and then it’s like a roulette of emotions at the drop of a dime. I never know what I am going to feel.

It’s anger one day.

It’s sadness the other.

Why can’t I just be happy?

I ask myself all the time. Why can’t I just lock onto the feelings of joy and maintain that every single day? Boy, life would be a lot better for sure.

At the same time, I wonder if I am just destined to be like this forever … Continue reading