Tag Archives: Depression

Everyday NhanSense – Day 45

001chef
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 45’s Topic: Cooking.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I have to talk about how cooking literally saved my life many years back.

I was at my wit’s end. My depression was at its worst levels, forcing me into desperation. It took a lot of time for me to muster up some sense of courage to find solutions when everything in the world seemed problematic to me.

I met with my middle school teacher back from when I was in eighth grade for answers to my questions. We talked, and she pointed out how her son worked as a cook at a local restaurant. She said go meet him and ask for a job there as a dishwasher.

Long story short, I ended up getting that dishwasher position. It began as a once-a-week thing because the other dishwasher happened to be sick that one Friday afternoon, so that’s how I got the chance to break away from my unemployment. Go figure.

It was my first job after a year and a half of unemployment, where each jobless day made me question everything dear to me. At face value, yeah, it was a dishwasher gig. A lot of people make fun of the position, thinking it’s bottom of the barrel, but a good dishwasher is paramount for any restaurant.

Keep in mind that basically every customer who comes to a restaurant has to leave something for the dishwasher to take care of in some shape or form.

Utensils, plates and a whole lot more.

Basically, if you think it’s a dirty job, well, it can be, but someone has to do it. If you have never had to stare at a stack of dishes as tall as you are, then you shouldn’t talk until you’ve had to tackle the challenge with nothing other than elbow grease and determination to make sure the next batch of customers have clean plates waiting for them on the tables with spoons and forks, all spick-and-span.

Anyway, before this turns into a rant about how vital washing dishes is for a restaurant, let’s get back to the topic of cooking.

I absolutely love cooking. It has become more than just a hobby I wish I could do more of in my current situation. It’s a way of life.
Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 44

angry-anime
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 44’s Topic: Anger.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Despite all the upside and happy moments as of late, I guess I can’t help but realize I have a bit of anger lingering in my soul. It’s unpleasant, it feels like I am burning up on the inside and the emotional aspect hurts. It outright hurts.

I don’t like being angry. I don’t like being that angry person in the room. Today, I literally yelled out of frustration, like I have been saving it in for too long and it needed to be let loose.

In this sense, anger is something I need to cut out of my life. It’s poison, unhealthy and just damaging to my well-being.

Who in their right mind wants to be angry? Why be mad when you can be glad instead?

That’s right. If you can be happy, you should be. And yet, sometimes, it’s basically unavoidable. Anger just randomly bursts out of me sometimes, catching me off-guard and forcing me to calm the heck down before it gets out of hand.

It’s the No. 1 emotion I am wary of as someone with mood swings. I have seen what anger can do to my father, a person who has struggled with mood swings, especially in regards to containing his anger throughout my whole childhood and then some. So it’s an everyday struggle to keep things from blowing the lid right off, and there are some days I feel like I barely manage to do even this …
Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 42

2816ib
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 42’s Topic: Moving forward.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
For this whole month, I have been feeling like I have so much momentum going in my favor.

I got a job, I got out of my mental and emotional slump, I got focused and now I feel like I am moving genuinely forward in this game called life.

What a wonderful feeling!

It’s quite remarkable how I was basically beating myself up for two whole months, just thinking I was completely worthless as a person who deserved all the rotten luck my way. However, fortunately, destiny gave me another shot.

My progress in life stopped to a screeching halt, but now I got the wheels in motion again, even if it’s considered “slow” by society’s standards. This doesn’t get to me anymore, at least when it would break me apart upstairs, because as long as I am not regressing … it’s all good, right?

Let’s just say I was so ready to push the panic button at one point. I could have bailed out on living in this new town at any moment, but I held on. I was frightened. I perceived myself as trapped in the perpetual corner with no option to turn to, but I feel great now. Absolutely great.

I am so thankful I didn’t concede with myself when the going got so tough.
Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 41


——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 41’s Topic: What could have been.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
I do wonder often about “what could have been” had life went the way I envisioned it would five years ago.

So what did I have in mind?

Well, the plan was simple. I was going to take the summer off. No summer job or anything. I just wanted to relax. I felt burnt out from school, my senior year at college was just constant stress from working and I felt entitled to an easy summer at home with my family.

Let’s just say I had a lot of time to play video games and watch shows on Netflix. Nothing too exciting. I was a college grad with a diploma in hand. Due to my naive nature, I thought the real world could wait.

After summer, I just wanted to fire off some resumes and start the real job search. Assuming things would fall properly into place, I just felt like in my mind I was a shoo-in for any position I would apply for, which I believe would mean the search could end in a few short months. Tops.

I applied to various positions throughout the state of Washington, focusing on all kinds of newspapers and a few other types of publications such as magazines. I tunnel visioned extremely hard on “journalism only” gigs.

And why wouldn’t I?

I was the third highest position at my college newspaper as a copy chief. The only positions higher were editor-in-chief followed by managing editor. I had experience with other editor positions, was a reporter and participated in all kinds of other types of journalism-type projects for my paper, which included page design.

By all means, I ate, breathed and slept with journalism on the mind. The only thing I wanted was just to be able to call myself a professional journalist. It didn’t matter about the money or anything like that.

At one point, I wholeheartedly trusted everything journalism as a field had to offer for the world, and I saw it as a necessary occupation. I thought I could do my part and be involved with something that has written page-after-page of the world’s history.

I wanted to be a journalist so badly that it hurt. I wanted to be a reporter, an editor … just something that had to do with the journalism industry.

And then reality came to slap me right across the face.
Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 40

3362744_1379334039892.31res_500_280
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 40’s Topic: Regret.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
It takes a lot of guts to admit something about myself, at least in regards to how I have been for at least four of the past five years.

I have been weak. Outright weak as a person. Weak in terms of willpower. Weak in terms of mental toughness.

Just absurdly weak.

But with that said, I have grown stronger these days, or at least stronger in the sense that I can stand on my own two feet with less help. However, I am still not 100 percent independent quite yet.

A long time ago, in the midst of the worst symptoms of my depression, my weaknesses as a person became evident. What I sought after the most was just comfort, a human voice to calm me down and assure me that everything was A-OK, even though inside my mind I wasn’t quite sure what to believe.

And so, I made a lot of phone calls at my worst.

And I am talking about calls that could last for an hour or longer. These weren’t over in five minutes or anything. These were chunks of time out of someone’s schedule just to hear me blab and cry about my problems.

I regret being so needy. I was certainly a major inconvenience in some respects. I wish I could call up every single person I talked to and apologize, but I don’t think they would want to hear my apologies anyway. They had their fill.

You see, and this is me being honest, it’s not like I wanted to turn my once-called friends into my personal therapists. I had no intention of that. I was a confused, depressed mess. I wanted answers, but perhaps a part of my mind didn’t want to hear what my friends had to say and process it properly.

And so, I called and called around, exhausting the numbers on my phone.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciated the talks with my friends at the time. There were lots of pep talks, lots of “It’s only a phase. You’ll get over it!” kind of discussions and whatnot. I guess above all else, and this is me being frank, I think I just appreciated that these people were willing to listen to me for so long. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 39

Anime-girl-cute-kawaii-purple-hair-Favim_com-328591
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 39’s Topic: Haircuts with a side of enthusiasm.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
I think a word I am going to be sprinkling into my blog posts for a while is “tone.” After all, the tone of my blog posts are getting more upbeat, happier and overall just a lot more optimistic.

The tone for my life as a whole is brimming with more positivity with less negativity to bring me down.

So in a sense, I am definitely a happier camper, more or less. Things aren’t perfect, but they are improving. As long as things keep going up, what’s there to complain about then?

Anyway, today after work, I got a haircut. Now, a thing about me is this – I love getting my hair cut for some reason. I don’t know why. Ever since I was a kid, I liked it when my mom would cut my hair. I looked forward to it with an almost unnatural level of glee.

And it’s not like I can do much with my hair. Honestly, I can’t grow my hair out in a flattering way or manipulate the hair to look cool, so I just have to default to that “clean cut” look, which is fine by me.

Perhaps I like being able to slide my hand through my hair. Maybe it’s because I absolutely hate it when my hair grows out and starts to touch my ears. That itchy feeling bugs me so much! The first moment I feel my hair touch my ears is when I become eager to find a barber.

My hair was beginning to look a tad scruffy, so I just decided to head to the barber today.

So here comes that word again – the “tone” of the conversation with my barber was very enjoyable. Continue reading

Everyday NhanSense – Day 38

chihayafuru-09-kana-exhausted-tired-crazy
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 38’s Topic: Pushing one’s body past that certain threshold.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
Gee whiz, it’s like all of the pain and exhaustion I should have felt is catching up to my body all at once. My body is really feeling the aches now. That’s for sure.

At the same time, I have no real choice but to tough it out. And I intend to regardless. It’s not like my body is unraveling or anything, but it’s definitely experiencing some sort of discomfort. I went from having zero hours of work per week to at least full-time hours each week … with about one whole day off thrown into the mix.

There isn’t a lot of rest between each day, so maybe I am just overworking my body as it’s trying to get accustomed to this new routine?

Gosh, I can at least say without a shadow of a doubt that my body has gotten stronger. I have grown sturdier over the years. I used to have trouble working full days multiple times throughout a given week, but I feel like I can keep up this pace if I really put my mind to it.

I mean that it was like really rough for my body. I would often have nosebleeds after my shift because I exerted so much energy. Not anymore, it seems.

And that’s a good thing.
Continue reading