The 54th Deadline: Thoughts


The 54th Deadline: There are always more chances than you realize to overcome challenges.

Lately, I have had various thoughts circulating.

As you can see, I am currently in the process of (once again) restructuring the look of this blog. At times, I wonder if I am just too unfocused to have a cohesive design and layout. I feel like I am just such a mess in this regard.

For now, I will keep this blog template in place, tweak a few things here and there probably and then finally decide on how this blog should look when I get my head on straight.

On one hand, I feel like I should just have this blog be about Dota 2, as I do play the game a lot. Well, it’s the game I try to play when I find time, but money needs to be made. And for money to be made, I need to spend more time working than I can invest in just playing.

But I suppose this is the better alternative than just sitting around all day, being unemployed and just letting time pass by me looking at a computer screen without anything really being achieved. Trust me. I have been down this path before. It isn’t pretty. Nope. It’s an extremely ugly, unappealing existence.

On the other hand, I do want to talk more about my dreaded “depression” topic. After all, and I say this a lot, so please bear with me. Without suffering the worst of the depression symptoms years ago, this blog wouldn’t exist. Heck, I wouldn’t have invested so much effort into this blog if I was truly that sad and miserable about my life at that point.

Nonetheless, I am glad I have this blog to my name. It’s special to me. Truly, truly special to me. I just think I have been too much of a spaz when it comes to blogging as consistently as I once did even half a year ago. Yet, and I say this with complete honesty, it had to be done.

I was losing control, as well as interest, of what was important to me. This blog used to be very high on my priority list to maintain. I felt obligated to churn out some kind of post to anyone willing to read my various thoughts and ramblings.

And I realize that sometimes a lot of things I write about don’t really appeal to a lot of people. There was a phase in this blog’s existence where I spoke heavily about anime and other random topics. Of course, times have changed.

At the moment, I can say I am not as into certain things as I once was. It’s sad, really. I thought I would never outgrow certain things, but I guess we all do end up changing in some shape or form as we get older.

Don’t get me wrong. I find myself occasionally watching an anime episode here and there, but it’s so seldom that I don’t even count it as anything meaningful. I used to binge-watch shows for hours on end, but it’s been a long while since I have done that with the same kind of geeky zeal that kept me glued to my seat, just staring at the screen without any regard to everything else around me.

But that was then. This is now.

Thoughts. So many thoughts. So many different ones that I don’t know what to follow, let alone believe in as my driving force. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Stalled Countdown

aircrafts uniform army gloves military indoors original purple hair red eyes hangar anime girls 5_www.wallpaperfo.com_60
The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
As I write this, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I can’t quite seem to let it all out.

It’s one particularly odd thing about my personal “depression” from the get-go – I haven’t been really able to cry. I feel like I have kept a lot of inner turmoil inside, and it has just been building up and building up, but it just can’t seem to find its way out of my system.

It’s wimpy to admit it, but I guess deep down I want to bawl my eyes out. I really force myself, but it’s not working. And hence, I believe a lot of my hopes and dreams have stalled this countdown in life. I know the launch has been on hold for so long.

I should have blasted off toward “greatness” by now, but something keeps finding its way into my life to delay it even further. Am I making excuses? Am I being irrational?

JUST WHAT IS IT? What’s wrong? Why can’t I just get a clear answer from the universe?

I make so many small strides, but I never can’t go the complete distance to reach that next threshold. It’s always some kind of forward progress, but how much more forward progress do I need to get through?

Perhaps at this point, I feel exhausted and impatient with it all. After all, it’s been five years and counting. Fives years of ups and downs. Five years mixed with misery and happiness.

Sigh, depression is a real drag to overcome, don’t you think? Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Remember the Name

The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
Once again, I have been faced with another crossroad in my life to determine my next path in this complex and unforgiving journey. This one’s a doozy, to boot.

I haven’t felt quite “right” for a while now. It’s hard to explain without sounding pessimistic, mopey or whatever you want to call it. Basically, I don’t feel like myself.

Certain things don’t appeal to me as much anymore. Certain activities aren’t as fun. Certain interests seem less exciting.

Whether it’s watching anime or playing video games, I just feel like a part of me is out of place from within my very soul. It’s disheartening, for sure, when you feel a bit broken from the inside out. As if a gear is out of place, I seemingly can move on with my day-to-day operations, but something isn’t making me feel, well, happy so to speak.

It sucks. It just really sucks because I want to enjoy life. I want to feel content about my situation. I want to feel like I am making some actual progress toward where I need to be. At the same time, I would be lying to myself if I wasn’t honest upfront about my emotional state.

I wish it were something more obvious. For instance, let’s say I got into an accident and couldn’t walk anymore. Let’s say I would need a wheelchair to get around for the rest of my days. That would be something I could understand at face value. There wouldn’t be anything hidden or mysterious. I would just be handicapped and unable to walk.

But for this particular, and quite ambiguous I have to add, personal problem from within, I just can’t label what it is and be done with it. I just don’t really know what it is, and I am just uncertain if I will ever figure it out soon.

Could it be another bout with depression?

Is it something along this line?

Could it be pent-up rage? Sadness?

I really wish I knew, but this is why I feel prompted to change some elements of what I am all about, at least for the time being.

“Get good. Be better.”

It was a really simple message. You get good at something, then you strive to be better.

And for me, this entailed a lot of random facets. I wanted to get good at cooking for instance, and of course I wanted to elevate my skills toward super chef status.

For a long while, this has been this blog’s motto. However, I felt like I needed to change it to, “Remember the name.”
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The 54th Deadline: Traces of Joy

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
Over the years, there was one thing I really wanted amid my depression-riddled days as a discouraged individual: independence.

Yup, independence.

Of all things, independence was something I didn’t have to my name. Heck, just even the sense of dignity was hard to come by without independence.

My lack of independence derived from needing to live with my parents after college graduation. That time really put a damper on my confidence. I felt incapable of getting any sort of job to support myself, let alone earn money to put into my bank account.

I lacked motivation. I lacked energy. I ate wrong. I slept too much. Everything accumulated in a bad way over time, so I felt my ability of taking care of myself fade away for quite awhile.

Obviously, we all have to leave the nest at some point. Mom and dad aren’t going to be around forever, and there’s a point where someone like me needed to grow up and be a bonafide adult for once in his life. Alas, it took many years before I was able to achieve some semblance of independence.

Piece-by-piece, I had to rediscover new passions to steer me toward different directions in life.

Fast-forward to now, and I guess you could say I have a lot more independence than I know what to do with in so many ways. Sure, I lack a lot of random necessities such as a vehicle to drive around town in, but the basic framework of independence is there.

I wake up at responsible hours, go to work, buy my own groceries and so forth.anime-girl-shopping-for-christmas-tree-smile-aki-eda

In lots of ways, I am grateful. I am happier because I can take care of myself in some fashion.

For instance, take today as an example.

Because it has been so dang hot at the start of this summer, I have been really needing some kind of reasonable way to stay cool.

Trust me. It gets really hot in the town I am living in, and just having some fans lying around wasn’t doing enough. I had three fans blowing at one point, and they all did zilch when the only thing happening was a constant circulation of hot air in a closed-off area.

So instead of suffering and literally sweating the summer heat, I made a big decision.

It was a big expense, but I had to buy an air conditioner. Because the space I live in lacks proper windows to use a regular air conditioner you attach on the outside, I had to get an inside variation that has the air vented outside like so.

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The 54th Deadline: Waiting in the Darkness

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
For five years and counting, I have been waiting in my own perpetual darkness. At one point, I feared for the worst when my world crumbled around me, and I couldn’t help but “run away” from my insecurities and problems instead of facing them directly like a courageous person.

Alas, I was a weak individual. A scaredy-cat. Insert whatever negative word. It doesn’t matter.

The point is, ultimately, I ran away to hide from my problems. Much like a child who hides under their blanket when they get scared, I hid underneath a security blanket called cowardice.

I was hoping the spooky stuff would magically go away, It didn’t. Instead, things grew more and more intense as time went on, which elevated my dilemma into a personal, full-blown disaster.

So I moped away in my own darkness, letting it consume me from within until I had enough of it.

I waited like the problems could go away on their own if I endured, thinking perhaps light would come shining in to illuminate the right path before me. Eventually. Eventually, I kept thinking.

It didn’t happen like that. Not quite, anyway.

Don’t get me wrong. When you’re a depressed mess, things just get to you. I certainly had my share of self-defeating thoughts that could last me a lifetime.

But after a while, you get weary of the constant negativity. You want to squelch all of the, “It’s never going to get better” remnants floating around in your mind. In their place, you have to scrape up some sense of hope, some sense of optimism that things will in fact improve.

And they have for me, albeit slowly. Everything has been a gradual crawl, but hey … at least it’s in the right direction!

To wait in this darkness for so long, one must think I am nuts, right?
Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: To Continue Dreaming

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
It’s a wonderful thing to dream. Like everyone else as a child, dreams kept me going. Dreams kept me motivated to stay in school, get good grades and all that stuff we’re all supposed to strive for because it’s the appropriate course of action. With any luck, all of the effort would be rewarded at some point.

Eventually, our dreams should materialize into something worthwhile, or so we are told.

When you’re a clueless/naive kid, you don’t know what the heck you want to be. I thought I could be a firefighter for example. There was a point where I thought I could easily become a video game developer.

Of course, as I got older and eventually found myself in college and choosing a major, I opted for journalism. I wanted to be a journalist. A journalist. And nothing more.

But without having to repeat myself entirely this time, I will sum up the gist of what happened roughly five years ago – I screwed up. Badly, I have to add. And so badly that it has been a long, arduous process to reverse and actually attempt to heal some of the mental and emotional damage I had to endure.

So just like that, my dream faded for the time being. It would be years before I thought I could have some semblance of a normal person. It would be literally a year and a half after graduating college before I even found a “job” to escape that cruddy unemployment tag.

What a glorious dream, right? I had the hopes and aspirations to become a young, potentially talented reporter/editor in the making! Well, at the very least, this was the plan.

Nothing quite panned out that way at all. I have to say.

But I digress.
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The 54th Deadline: Another Chapter Begins

The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
Hi again. As I explained in the previous post, I have been contemplating how to switch up my blogging patterns, especially in regards to the format. Because I am not trying to blog each day like before, it was a no-brainer to opt away from the “Everyday NhanSense” stuff and then pull up something I haven’t used for a long while – “The 54th Deadline.”

For one thing, 54 is just my favorite number in the entire universe since as long as I can remember. The “deadline” part is just something that sounds cool.

Combined together, I think “The 54th Deadline” has a distinct ring to it. It plays on my journalism background to boot. Yay!

But anyway, I just wanted to write this blog post out so you all know that I am definitely trying to get back into the blogging swing of things. Gosh, even as I type this out, I feel like I am physically hitting the keys sluggishly while feeling uninspired. Not good!

All of which, of course, can be fixed with some more earnest attempts at blogging at a level I am content with as a writer.
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