Tag Archives: Anime

The 54th Deadline: Remember the Name

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The 54th Deadline: For every success, for every botch, life will always give you many opportunities.
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Once again, I have been faced with another crossroad in my life to determine my next path in this complex and unforgiving journey. This one’s a doozy, to boot.

I haven’t felt quite “right” for a while now. It’s hard to explain without sounding pessimistic, mopey or whatever you want to call it. Basically, I don’t feel like myself.

Certain things don’t appeal to me as much anymore. Certain activities aren’t as fun. Certain interests seem less exciting.

Whether it’s watching anime or playing video games, I just feel like a part of me is out of place from within my very soul. It’s disheartening, for sure, when you feel a bit broken from the inside out. As if a gear is out of place, I seemingly can move on with my day-to-day operations, but something isn’t making me feel, well, happy so to speak.

It sucks. It just really sucks because I want to enjoy life. I want to feel content about my situation. I want to feel like I am making some actual progress toward where I need to be. At the same time, I would be lying to myself if I wasn’t honest upfront about my emotional state.

I wish it were something more obvious. For instance, let’s say I got into an accident and couldn’t walk anymore. Let’s say I would need a wheelchair to get around for the rest of my days. That would be something I could understand at face value. There wouldn’t be anything hidden or mysterious. I would just be handicapped and unable to walk.

But for this particular, and quite ambiguous I have to add, personal problem from within, I just can’t label what it is and be done with it. I just don’t really know what it is, and I am just uncertain if I will ever figure it out soon.

Could it be another bout with depression?

Is it something along this line?

Could it be pent-up rage? Sadness?

I really wish I knew, but this is why I feel prompted to change some elements of what I am all about, at least for the time being.

“Get good. Be better.”

It was a really simple message. You get good at something, then you strive to be better.

And for me, this entailed a lot of random facets. I wanted to get good at cooking for instance, and of course I wanted to elevate my skills toward super chef status.

For a long while, this has been this blog’s motto. However, I felt like I needed to change it to, “Remember the name.”
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The 54th Deadline: Traces of Joy

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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Over the years, there was one thing I really wanted amid my depression-riddled days as a discouraged individual: independence.

Yup, independence.

Of all things, independence was something I didn’t have to my name. Heck, just even the sense of dignity was hard to come by without independence.

My lack of independence derived from needing to live with my parents after college graduation. That time really put a damper on my confidence. I felt incapable of getting any sort of job to support myself, let alone earn money to put into my bank account.

I lacked motivation. I lacked energy. I ate wrong. I slept too much. Everything accumulated in a bad way over time, so I felt my ability of taking care of myself fade away for quite awhile.

Obviously, we all have to leave the nest at some point. Mom and dad aren’t going to be around forever, and there’s a point where someone like me needed to grow up and be a bonafide adult for once in his life. Alas, it took many years before I was able to achieve some semblance of independence.

Piece-by-piece, I had to rediscover new passions to steer me toward different directions in life.

Fast-forward to now, and I guess you could say I have a lot more independence than I know what to do with in so many ways. Sure, I lack a lot of random necessities such as a vehicle to drive around town in, but the basic framework of independence is there.

I wake up at responsible hours, go to work, buy my own groceries and so forth.anime-girl-shopping-for-christmas-tree-smile-aki-eda

In lots of ways, I am grateful. I am happier because I can take care of myself in some fashion.

For instance, take today as an example.

Because it has been so dang hot at the start of this summer, I have been really needing some kind of reasonable way to stay cool.

Trust me. It gets really hot in the town I am living in, and just having some fans lying around wasn’t doing enough. I had three fans blowing at one point, and they all did zilch when the only thing happening was a constant circulation of hot air in a closed-off area.

So instead of suffering and literally sweating the summer heat, I made a big decision.

It was a big expense, but I had to buy an air conditioner. Because the space I live in lacks proper windows to use a regular air conditioner you attach on the outside, I had to get an inside variation that has the air vented outside like so.

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The 54th Deadline: Waiting in the Darkness

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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For five years and counting, I have been waiting in my own perpetual darkness. At one point, I feared for the worst when my world crumbled around me, and I couldn’t help but “run away” from my insecurities and problems instead of facing them directly like a courageous person.

Alas, I was a weak individual. A scaredy-cat. Insert whatever negative word. It doesn’t matter.

The point is, ultimately, I ran away to hide from my problems. Much like a child who hides under their blanket when they get scared, I hid underneath a security blanket called cowardice.

I was hoping the spooky stuff would magically go away, It didn’t. Instead, things grew more and more intense as time went on, which elevated my dilemma into a personal, full-blown disaster.

So I moped away in my own darkness, letting it consume me from within until I had enough of it.

I waited like the problems could go away on their own if I endured, thinking perhaps light would come shining in to illuminate the right path before me. Eventually. Eventually, I kept thinking.

It didn’t happen like that. Not quite, anyway.

Don’t get me wrong. When you’re a depressed mess, things just get to you. I certainly had my share of self-defeating thoughts that could last me a lifetime.

But after a while, you get weary of the constant negativity. You want to squelch all of the, “It’s never going to get better” remnants floating around in your mind. In their place, you have to scrape up some sense of hope, some sense of optimism that things will in fact improve.

And they have for me, albeit slowly. Everything has been a gradual crawl, but hey … at least it’s in the right direction!

To wait in this darkness for so long, one must think I am nuts, right?
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The 54th Deadline: To Continue Dreaming

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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It’s a wonderful thing to dream. Like everyone else as a child, dreams kept me going. Dreams kept me motivated to stay in school, get good grades and all that stuff we’re all supposed to strive for because it’s the appropriate course of action. With any luck, all of the effort would be rewarded at some point.

Eventually, our dreams should materialize into something worthwhile, or so we are told.

When you’re a clueless/naive kid, you don’t know what the heck you want to be. I thought I could be a firefighter for example. There was a point where I thought I could easily become a video game developer.

Of course, as I got older and eventually found myself in college and choosing a major, I opted for journalism. I wanted to be a journalist. A journalist. And nothing more.

But without having to repeat myself entirely this time, I will sum up the gist of what happened roughly five years ago – I screwed up. Badly, I have to add. And so badly that it has been a long, arduous process to reverse and actually attempt to heal some of the mental and emotional damage I had to endure.

So just like that, my dream faded for the time being. It would be years before I thought I could have some semblance of a normal person. It would be literally a year and a half after graduating college before I even found a “job” to escape that cruddy unemployment tag.

What a glorious dream, right? I had the hopes and aspirations to become a young, potentially talented reporter/editor in the making! Well, at the very least, this was the plan.

Nothing quite panned out that way at all. I have to say.

But I digress.
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The 54th Deadline: Another Chapter Begins


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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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Hi again. As I explained in the previous post, I have been contemplating how to switch up my blogging patterns, especially in regards to the format. Because I am not trying to blog each day like before, it was a no-brainer to opt away from the “Everyday NhanSense” stuff and then pull up something I haven’t used for a long while – “The 54th Deadline.”

For one thing, 54 is just my favorite number in the entire universe since as long as I can remember. The “deadline” part is just something that sounds cool.

Combined together, I think “The 54th Deadline” has a distinct ring to it. It plays on my journalism background to boot. Yay!

But anyway, I just wanted to write this blog post out so you all know that I am definitely trying to get back into the blogging swing of things. Gosh, even as I type this out, I feel like I am physically hitting the keys sluggishly while feeling uninspired. Not good!

All of which, of course, can be fixed with some more earnest attempts at blogging at a level I am content with as a writer.
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Everyday NhanSense – Under Construction

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To my dear readers:

Do not fret. I have not disappeared. I obviously haven’t died or anything.

For the past few days, I do apologize for being completely late with the daily(ish) blog posts I have been trying to churn out each day, but alas I was very late with them. Quite frankly, I will admit that I was writing some pretty halfhearted blog posts, at least when I am just skimming through the past few weeks.

With this in mind, I am not pulling the plug on this blog or anything like that. After all, this blog is like my “pulse.” It reflects a lot about how I have been feeling, whether good or bad. I will never stop blogging on this blog. It’s been my ongoing, oh-so-important project I have been maintaining for a long while now.

I am someone who has had a lot of misfortune in the past few years, with a lot of time spent just learning a lot about myself and all while going through the worst effects of depression and whatnot. But I survived. And this blog is a testament to me persevering just enough to keep going another day.
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Everyday NhanSense – Day 125

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Everyday NhanSense: Each day, I will blog about something that comes to mind. My goal is to practice writing about my hobbies, my interests, my opinions and so forth.

Day 125’s Topic: Despair.
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I have to find ways to dispel some despair lingering in my life.

“Get good. Be better.” – Nhan Fiction

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