Nhan-Fiction

Lately, I’ve been looking into a lot of social disorders, specifically Asperger’s syndrome. After doing a bit of research, I believe that I technically must have at least one social disorder to my name.

And it all makes sense. Asperger’s syndrome in particular explains a lot about why I have always been so “different” throughout my life.
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Some examples include:

- I’ve always been abnormally shy.

- I’ve always been socially awkward, rarely fitting in except with a few specific cliques of people.

- Strangers scare me. It’s hard for me to meet new people, with the exception of me feeling a “connection” with someone who doesn’t make me uncomfortable.

- Eye contact is very difficult for me. By habit, I look away from people.

- I am very bad at picking up jokes and social tendencies.

- I have a horrible tendency to mumble or shout. I can’t seem to tell how loud I am speaking. It’s either too low or too loud.

- Showing empathy can be difficult for me. A lot of people get the impression that I appear “angry” or “unhappy” based on my normal facial expression.  It “hurts” me to smile at times – I have to force it often. Only specific things can make me smile naturally.

- Certain things do not invoke any emotion from me, while very, very specific things fascinate me immensely (e.g. cats/cat-related things).
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Basically, I think I really should get an official diagnosis from a professional by now. I’ve felt screwed over multiple times throughout my life. Normal scenarios and circumstances have always felt alien to me. I’ve always felt like I was at a disadvantage, especially when it came to social-based things like job interviews.

Even if I end up being diagnosed with something like Asperger’s syndrome, another form of autism or something else, I would be OK with it. Actually, I would EXPECT it to be the case for me.

People with social disorders can overcome these burdens or at least be able to cope with them – I’ve basically been doing it my whole life without a social disorder label looming over my head. I know a lot of people with social disorders can definitely thrive and succeed in the real world. A social disorder does not have to be a crippling handicap – it can just be an obstacle one has to overcome.

I think it’s about time I finally figured out what that obstacle actually is instead of trying to assume I’m normal like everyone else.