In the perfect world, whenever you’re sick, the people around you would be aware that you need time to heal. Some illnesses don’t go away overnight, let alone a full year.
Despite how much forward progress I’ve made, it’s disturbing how quickly all my efforts to feel better can be undone so easily. It’s like the psychological wounds I spent so much time wrapping up with bandages have been exposed again to force me to relive through the same anguish I thought was well behind me.
No pain, no gain. I suppose, but is undergoing further suffering completely necessary?
I sure hope not.
I’ve genuinely been feeling better for quite some time. My circumstances haven’t improved by very much, but my overall sense of well-being and happiness began to come together toward an ideal direction.
But then the same obstacle – the same opponent, the same driving force for my emotional instability – had to disrupt my recovery, once again. In one fell swoop, I felt instantly crummy last night and then my whole day became a familiar, undesirable state of melancholy. The feelings of doubt started to take over again as I walked around, pondering why the world was so hellbent on having this negative influence in my life.
And then it hit me – I haven’t forgiven this person yet. For pretty much everyone else I thought I hated, I’ve learned to think positively about, but not this person.
For far too long, I’ve put up with this person’s constant negativity toward me. Essentially, this person basically thinks of me as a failure, a disappointment, a disgrace. He thinks I’ve been lounging around and “doing nothing” for this whole time.
Right, I must be all of these things when I’ve been able to overcome the odds to give myself a fighting chance. Without the aid of things like medicine, I’ve learned how to see the world in a different light, learn new things, meet new people … I’ve just learned how to be a better person.
Well, dad, I’m starting to grow weary of your constant put-downs and disapproval. You don’t know me, and you don’t know what kind of emotional quagmire I’ve been stuck in for quite some time. You’ve been clueless about my problems and completely insensitive to someone in my state.
You’ve been the main source for many of my worst demons, and I will openly admit that the one thing I want more than anything right now is to leave home so I never have to see you again. If your goal was to make me despise you, then congrats – mission accomplished.
Unfortunately, I am not poised at the moment for an escape plan, but mark my words (assuming you even have the intelligence to read this post one day and actually comprehend it) that I plan on getting out of here, away from this poisonous environment and away from you for good.
In due time … I can’t wait.