The 54th Deadline: The Weight of the Matter

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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Life certainly has been hard for me these past few weeks. It took a death of a coworker to force me to rethink everything.

Something I wanted to do because of my coworker’s death was attempt dieting again. Let’s just say I have been having second thoughts about it. But hear me out.

You see, in a nutshell, I have never been super fit before in my life. I have been at best marginally in OK shape when I participated in a few sports back in high school. Otherwise, I was either pretty skinny and then eventually on the pudgy side.

At the moment, I have put on a few pounds compared to what I was even half a year ago since moving into this town. Then again, I got kicked out from where I was living before and I spent a few months unemployed, starving and then eventually eating like crazy due to stress. It was no surprise it would affect my weight on the scale after a while.

But in regards to the diet, I attempted going back to a diet I tried successfully a long time ago. It really did work, as I lost 30 pounds after committing to it for 10 whole weeks. However, stupid stuff happened, which ended up sending me to the emergency room.
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The 54th Deadline: Death’s Reminder

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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Life, you really want to keep tacking on once again another catalyst, another wake-up call for me, to get into action. Don’t you? Don’t you?!

So yesterday at work, I found out a coworker of mine literally died. Straight up, he died the other night.

I worked with this coworker just last weekend, and now he is gone. Needless to say, I was pretty rattled yesterday.

Though I was not great friends with him by any means, I thought my coworker was a good guy. He worked hard and always had a great attitude about everything. Outside from the restaurant, I didn’t know much about him. I knew he had a bit of trouble with the law, but he clearly was getting his act together for a long while.

Like me, he was on his own respective journey to salvage his life.

Such a shame. Such a shame.

Life certainly is too short. We take it for granted, and then poof! It ends.

You don’t think about death until it pops up out of the blue. For the past day, I have thought about my own mortality. Have I done enough with my own existence?

Ultimately, I have concluded a startling “no” at this point in the game.

I have not done enough. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Happy Horizon

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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It’s out there somewhere. At some point, I know I will find that “happy horizon” I keep picturing in my mind.

This happy horizon will be the epitome of everything in life I have always wanted, just that one point where life is perfect for me.

It’s something that has eluded me for so many years. Five years ago, I let myself slip into despair, lost track of my goals and then fell into a downward spiral.

I was by all means at the lowest points in my life, but now I continue to go day-by-day with the notion that I will bounce back completely and turn everything around if I play my cards right. It hasn’t been a walk in the park by any means for someone like me. If anything, I’ve met with my share of disaster here and there as I began to discover elements about myself.

I am a flawed, troubled person in lots of facets. I was extremely weak when all of these nasty problems occurred at the beginning.

Physically.

Mentally,

Emotionally.

All of these areas became damaged in some fashion when my life began to crumble apart piece-by-piece.

I was some lowly person who couldn’t land a “simple” job to sustain himself, let alone attain a professional job in the field of my interest after graduating college. This really put a damper on my self-esteem.

I clung to some hope that I would stumble my way to my dreams, but this was a foolish ideal. This was something I couldn’t solve magically in one go. It would take time.

Lots of time in fact.

As I write this, I am still trying to sort it all out.

But I am a better person because of all of my personal trials and ordeals. I am a stronger person because I toughened up when the circumstances forced me into another perpetual corner of self-defeating thoughts.

Most importantly of all, I became less susceptible to the emotional crap that would bog me down along the way. I am human, however. I have not become impervious to the emotional backlash we all have to face when trying to look at anything discouraging comes before us.

Instead, I have learned to perceive it as another challenge, as another obstacle one has to overcome if any forward progress can be made.

I try to encourage myself to keep looking for any sort of optimism to cling to, any shred of “It will be OK” to keep me motivated. Someday, I know I’ll find that happy horizon. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Traces of Joy

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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Over the years, there was one thing I really wanted amid my depression-riddled days as a discouraged individual: independence.

Yup, independence.

Of all things, independence was something I didn’t have to my name. Heck, just even the sense of dignity was hard to come by without independence.

My lack of independence derived from needing to live with my parents after college graduation. That time really put a damper on my confidence. I felt incapable of getting any sort of job to support myself, let alone earn money to put into my bank account.

I lacked motivation. I lacked energy. I ate wrong. I slept too much. Everything accumulated in a bad way over time, so I felt my ability of taking care of myself fade away for quite awhile.

Obviously, we all have to leave the nest at some point. Mom and dad aren’t going to be around forever, and there’s a point where someone like me needed to grow up and be a bonafide adult for once in his life. Alas, it took many years before I was able to achieve some semblance of independence.

Piece-by-piece, I had to rediscover new passions to steer me toward different directions in life.

Fast-forward to now, and I guess you could say I have a lot more independence than I know what to do with in so many ways. Sure, I lack a lot of random necessities such as a vehicle to drive around town in, but the basic framework of independence is there.

I wake up at responsible hours, go to work, buy my own groceries and so forth.anime-girl-shopping-for-christmas-tree-smile-aki-eda

In lots of ways, I am grateful. I am happier because I can take care of myself in some fashion.

For instance, take today as an example.

Because it has been so dang hot at the start of this summer, I have been really needing some kind of reasonable way to stay cool.

Trust me. It gets really hot in the town I am living in, and just having some fans lying around wasn’t doing enough. I had three fans blowing at one point, and they all did zilch when the only thing happening was a constant circulation of hot air in a closed-off area.

So instead of suffering and literally sweating the summer heat, I made a big decision.

It was a big expense, but I had to buy an air conditioner. Because the space I live in lacks proper windows to use a regular air conditioner you attach on the outside, I had to get an inside variation that has the air vented outside like so.

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The 54th Deadline: New Vision

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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It took a few years, but I finally got new glasses.

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They are some pretty nice specs. I had the glasses below for about five years or so, meaning they were long overdue to be replaced at some point.

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I have taken pride in never ever breaking my glasses once throughout my whole life, and these frames were no different. The coating on the lenses, over time, just got dirty and stuff. Heck, the eye doctor even told me my prescription itself hasn’t changed that much despite the big gap of time in between, surprisingly anyway.

Regardless, buying new glasses was a big step for me as an individual. For a while, I realized I needed to get an eye exam so I could purchase updated glasses. It was getting annoying with seeing signs blurry from such modest distances and having to squint just to read a menu at a McDonald’s or something.

Not anymore.

As I don on my new specs, I feel pride in me taking another step toward being an independent adult.

This was the first time I made a major purchase in this regard. It was always my mom who would have to take care of this random expense, but now I can finally say I did it on my own.

One step toward true adulthood! (I guess?)

Now, let me tell you one thing – there was a point I refused to wear glasses.

Cue fifth grade. I was having a lot of trouble seeing the stuff on the board in class. You know the drill.

I knew the main culprits for my lackluster vision involved a combination of too much TV watching and video games. And I sure as heck wasn’t going to drop these beloved hobbies of mine at this age. No way.

The teacher comments on how I am having a hard time reading stuff from far away. Eventually, it leads to my mom taking me to the eye doctor. I literally bawled my eyes out like a baby. I was so afraid of the other kids calling me those typical nicknames like Four Eyes or a nerd.

Gosh, denial was such a difficult thing to grasp when you aren’t mature yet, don’t you think?
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The 54th Deadline: Meet Mango

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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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Meet Mango. My new cat.

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I adopted Mango this past weekend, and it’s safe to say I have become totally attached to this ball of fur.

I named her Mango because of her orange/yellow color and because she is so darn sweet in temperament. She follows me around already, meowing at me to pet and love her. She is by all means the ideal cat for someone like me.

I had to mull over the decision to adopt a cat carefully. I don’t make a lot of extra money per se, but I was willing to bite the bullet on the expenses to bring home a feline friend if I found the right cat.

Mango (originally named Ruby at the shelter) was a cat who was surrendered to the animal shelter because she was one animal too many. My guess is she was part of some kind of animal hoarder, but it’s not like she was dragged to the shelter due to behavioral problems.

She has already had kittens before at some point during her two years of age. She was deemed friendly and approachable at the shelter. There weren’t really a lot of negatives to factor in for her.

I ruled out getting a kitten because you actually have to be there during the initial stages during a kitty’s development to make sure they grow up correctly with the right behavioral habits.

I have to work a lot. I have some bills to pay, and though they are not that much compared to others, it still means I have to put in my share of hours each week to make sure I continue to stay afloat. As a result, it would mean Mango or any other cat I choose to adopt in the future would have to get used to not seeing me at home for extended times.

It’s tough, but it is what it is. It can’t be helped.

At least with an older cat, what you see is what you are more or less going to get when it comes to adoption. Mango had the right kind of personality I was looking for: calm, but at the same time she didn’t raise any red flags like she would rip up my stuff when I am not there.

Mango cried out at me during my shelter visits, and she was kind of enough to approach me and let me hold her. Not to mention, she didn’t look like some kind of troublemaker I had to think twice about leaving home alone for long periods of time, which is something that can’t be avoided in my current situation.

Before I knew it, I had already found myself signing the adoption papers to bring her home for real.

Mango so far has been a real joy to my life. Continue reading

The 54th Deadline: Opening Up


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The 54th Deadline: Life’s always going to give you another chance if you’re constantly persistent.
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There are days where I contemplate how much persistence, patience and energy I have invested toward my own “recovery” and why I haven’t quite solved all of the mysteries yet. Then again, I realize some damage is difficult to heal, and I certainly have sustained and suffered my share of problems throughout the years.

I count my blessings. I ponder about the possibilities. I think back about all that has hurt me and why I continue to dwell on stuff I should have let go completely from long ago. But regardless of what I do and what I shouldn’t do, life continues.

This is the fact we all have to acknowledge.

Life continues. And it will always do so until the end of time.

Sure, my life within these past five years have had a lot of crummy (OK, absurdly horrid) defeats in the form a lot of self-loathing and whatnot. And sure, I have had made my share of attempts at finding success in overcoming said defeats.

But of course, this is why people call it a struggle. It’s not like you can unwind everything and put it all back in its place in a nice and neat fashion. Oh heck no! That would be too easy.

The word I often say a lot now is “process,” a word that definitely reflects a lot about my current endeavors in life.

I have been undergoing a process at bettering myself. I don’t always make all the right moves. Trust me. I have made more blunders than anything else, and yet I keep taking cracks at it until things slowly move toward the direction I want it to go.B2XDebDCIAAtwNj

But is it ever enough? That’s the big question I keep asking myself.

Take these past few days, for instance. I realize the place I am living in has little to no furniture. Like, come on! I know I am not that wealthy at the moment to afford splurging on nice chairs and tables.

Keep in mind I am someone who spent a few months eating his meals off of a tub, a literal tub, where I placed a paper towel on to keep the surface clean. And not to mention, this tub was what I used to sit by the computer as well.

Was I being resourceful with what I had (I was, by all means, super poor at the time), or was I just not smart about it?
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